


Monster

by neferlemon



Category: Infinite (Band)
Genre: Angst, Assassin Myungsoo, Based on Naoki Urasawa's Monster, But Only the Beginning, Fluff, Graphic Violence in Chapter 1, M/M, Surgeon Sungyeol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-27
Updated: 2017-03-11
Packaged: 2018-09-02 16:20:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 52,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8674288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neferlemon/pseuds/neferlemon
Summary: Sungyeol risked his career to save a heavily wounded mysterious man in his ER, but he found out later that this simple action had long lasting consequences both for his moral and his heart.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Selfishly, I started a whole new chaptered fic in the middle of another on-going fic. But I love writing this so what can I do :X  
> I can't promise fast update, but this one is 50% completed or I already had 4/8 chapter done. 
> 
> Maybe it's a bit misleading to say this is based on Naoki Urasawa's Monster because I only borrow the earliest part. If you're hoping something as mindblowing as the original Monster, I don't think I can provide ;d
> 
> Have you read Naoki Urasawa's Monster, yet? You should :D

 

 

The siren of the ambulance was loud and the flashing light was blinding, but nobody paid any mind as they rushed to the back door of the vehicle and immediately ran along with the stretcher and paramedic.

“Late twenties or early thirties male, gunshot wound on the chest, five stabs and multiple injuries. Conscious and still breathing but couldn’t speak, no identity found,” the paramedic cited.

“Medical bracelet?” Sungyeol demanded as he quickly assessed the newest victim for his ER tonight.

He was a young man, probably at Sungyeol’s age. His hair was plastered into his face, caked with blood but even it couldn’t hide the fact that the man was good looking, or even beautiful. His eyes were black and deep, even when he was on the verge of losing his consciousness. His lips were carved perfectly, even when it was losing color from missing so much oxygen.

His black t-shirt was thoroughly wet with blood, from stab wound in his shoulders, stomach, and upper chest; not to motion the blood he vomited. Those were bad enough, but what concerned Sungyeol the most was the gunshot wound on the man’s right chest, still leaking blood through the hemostatic gauze the paramedic had applied. The man was bleeding to his death.

“Can’t found any,” the paramedic shook her head. “Not even his phone or wallet. He had absolutely nothing.”

“Is the room ready yet?” he shouted to one of his resident as he assessed the patient for any overlooked injury.

“Room 5 ready,” Sujeong shouted. Sungyeol immediately pushed the stretcher to room 5, his trauma team followed.

He was scrubbing his hands when Hoya entered the scrub room, looked slightly panicked and out of breath.

“Sungyeol, listen. Sunggyu wants you to go to Room 2, we have emergency patient there. I’ll take over this patient,” his colleague said, his tone nervous and urgent. What he said was both unexpected and not making any sense that Sungyeol thought the orthopedic was playing with him at first.

“Don’t you see I’m also having an emergency case here?” Sungyeol rolled his eyes.

“I said I’ll take over. We got a critical patient there. Injured from traffic accident, potentially fatal,” Hoya said, tone got even more nervous.

“So do I,” Sungyeol snapped, putting on his cap, mask, and gloves. “And I know you can handle trauma too, but this patient’s condition is delicate. It’s better if it’s me handling him.”

“You don’t understand. This is Sunggyu’s order, not my suggestion,” Hoya said, almost pleading.

“I don’t give a shit about Sunggyu’s order when I’m having a critical patient of my own,” Sungyeol said. “Sunggyu can do the surgery himself, and you can assist him.”

“You’re the best trauma surgeon in this hospital,” Hoya urged, distress evident in his voice. It wasn’t everyday Hoya praised him, so maybe he was serious, but Sungyeol’s mind was already full of the bleeding patient in his operation table. “Sungyeol, please. He is the City Mayor.”

Sungyeol couldn’t waste any time arguing with Hoya here, so he turned his body to face his friend. He would never be able to intimidate the bulky man although he was taller, but he would never compromise his patient either.

“Even if he is, my patient came first, and he is dying. Another minute and I won’t be able to save him. I’m going inside,” he gave his last ultimatum and entered his room, slamming the door on Hoya’s face.

His patient was on the operating table, surgical drapes covered the lower half of his body, and Sungyeol grimaced from the numerous wounds across his body. Who would do such thing to a human? He nodded to his team, and started the surgery to remove the bullet and brought his lung to function again.

He was concentrating on fixing the tissue on the man’s lung when the door blasted open. His Chief of Surgery was standing furiously in front of him, but Sungyeol didn’t have the slightest care for him right now.

“Don’t you get my order?” he barked.

“He’ll die while you’re wasting your time here, Chief,” Sungyeol told him. “And my patient will die the moment I took my hands off his chest. So, save both of them and go.”

“Sungyeol, you don’t understand what you are doing right now,” Sunggyu said, voice low and dangerous. “Listen to me, this is the board’s order.”

“I know perfectly what I’m doing. On the contrary, it seems like you don’t,” Sungyeol said, trying to keep his voice low. “This patient came first, and he was an emergency patient.”

He ignored the older man for a straight one minute, before Sunggyu finally gave up, understanding that no amount of persuasion would change Sungyeol’s mind right now.

“Meet me immediately after this at Room 2,” Sunggyu spat as he walked away, slamming the door behind him.

The whole procedure took Sungyeol about an hour and a half. The man got critical twice, but Sungyeol brought him back twice too. When finally the lung was fixed, he threw a smile to the rest of his team. He would let Sujeong deal with the shallower stab wounds.

“Good job,” he said. “Can you finish? I’m going to Room 2, as the almighty chief had asked me.”

He took off his gown and threw away his gloves and mask, tripped a little in his attempt to rush at Room 2. However, the moment he opened the door to the scrub room, he knew he was late.

He could see the flat line in the monitor; he could even feel the disbelief and despair in the team. Sunggyu was there, as well as Hoya, both surgeons held their hands up – a sign that they were done giving everything.

He could read Sunggyu’s lips asking for time of death. His Chief of Surgery’s eyes met his as he did so, looking through the glass wall separating them.

In few steps Sunggyu was out of the operating room, leaving the door closed behind him and facing Sungyeol in furious expression.

“He died,” the elder hissed and it was usually the kind of quiet fury that Sungyeol always fear. This time, though, he could meet the elder’s eyes resolutely (defiantly) because he knew he wasn’t wrong.

“I knew.”

“You don’t know what kind of trouble you’ve just gotten our hospital into,” his boss continued.

“I don’t,” Sungyeol agreed. “But I have reason for this –“

“Shut up,” Sunggyu said, again with the deadly quiet voice. “Expect yourself to be summoned for board’s meeting tomorrow morning. You should have a reason why you refuse to save this City Mayor. Expect the press, expect the worst.”

Sunggyu stared at his superior in disbelief.

“What do you mean the worst? You know why I refused! I got a patient in my hand already, do you think I’m going to abandon him for the Mayor, who came later? I don’t have a choice!” Sungyeol shouted, felt both temper and dread coming. He felt like he was going to get a punishment after doing something well.

“You have choice,” Sunggyu corrected. “And you’ve just used it.” He glanced at the body in the surgery table, currently being closed by the nurses.

“Of course I don’t have a – are you saying I have a choice over two life? I get to choose which one to live and which one to die? This is ridiculous –“

“You should continue in more private room,” Hoya muttered quietly from the door separating the operating room and the scrub room. “They’re almost done closing.”

“Wait at my room,” Sunggyu said tiredly before slamming the door to the corridor.

“Where are you going?” Sungyeol demanded, following the Chief out of the room.

“To tell his family that we’ve failed him,” he threw a sharp look at Sungyeol. “You want to come?”

“No,” Sungyeol said, not expecting the answer. “I’ll – I’ll wait in your room.”

The twin door of their operating suite opened, and Sungyeol could see several people immediately stood up and surrounded Sunggyu. A moment later Hoya and his team passed by, pulling a stretcher with the Mayor’s body on it, covered with blanket. Sungyeol could see the bruises on his face. He didn’t even know what kind of accident the Mayor had suffered.

The family waiting outside was immediately rushed to the body. He could hear the wailing of the lady and a softer sob from his daughters and sons. The sound got fainter and fainter as they moved the body into an empty room.

Sungyeol stood frozen, his feet refused to move. Only long after the sound completely disappeared Sungyeol could finally leave the room.

-

 

 

“You know why I did it,” he said it immediately when the door opened. It wasn’t Sunggyu, but his fellow attending and (kind of) best friend, Woohyun.

“So you really did it,” his senior closed the door and approached him. “You refused to operate on the Mayor.”

“Yes, because a patient with the same critical condition arrived earlier,” Sungyeol said, trying to make his explanation as short as possible before anybody could ever refuse to listen.

“You’re so… so…” Woohyun couldn’t find a right word.

“Dumb is the word you’re looking for,” Sunggyu came inside, locking the door behind him. “Sit,” he gestured to the two surgeons. Woohyun picked a chair and Sungyeol followed. He wanted to ask whether he was really in trouble for _prioritizing patient who came earlier_ , but Woohyun asked the better question.

“How much trouble is he in?”

“Huger than he knows,” Sunggyu sighed. “The Mayor was a good man. He was popular and loved by many. His death will be big news, as well as our failure to save him. And if the press ever find out that our top trauma surgeon refused to operate on him….”

“But I didn’t refuse!” Sungyeol cried.

“You refused. You said it to me. In a room with five other people inside,” Sunggyu gave him a pointed look.

“But I didn’t have a choice!” his temper exploded. “Do you really will put the blame on me while all I am trying to do is saving that bleeding man on my operation table? I’m doing the right thing here!”

“Do you think his family or his supporter care? Do you think press care? No, Sungyeol. They will hear that you refuse to prioritize the Mayor. They will hear your explanation, yes, but they’ll print their paper with ‘Surgeon Refused to Operate on Mayor’ and put the rest on the tiny words below. Do you know how many people read more than headline when they’re reading their newspaper over meal? No? Well, don’t worry. You’ll find out soon.”

Sungyeol licked his suddenly dry lips. His throat parched as he realized how much trouble he would get from things as simple as this.

“Will I… will I get fired?”

“I’ll try my best so you won’t,” Sunggyu said, eyed him with friendliness for the first time that night. It was a relief for Sungyeol, because it meant the elder hadn’t fully disapproved his decision. There was a part of Sunggyu that acknowledged that Sungyeol did the right thing and for tonight, it gave enough space for Sungyeol to breath.

“Prepare yourself for tomorrow,” Sunggyu warned. “Now go.”

Sungyeol nodded, unable to say anything except thank you and good night. He walked slowly with his mind in a mess. If he was fired, what would he do? Why did a split second decision affect his life this much? He didn’t think about any of this – board meeting, press, dead Mayor – when he chose to operate on the unidentifiable man. It was an easy decision for him. The man came first, so he deserves help first.

He wanted to check at the man. Looking at one more life he was able to safe would at least remind him that he chose the right thing to do.

“Where is our patient?” he asked one of the nurses assisting him as he passed their station.

“ICU A, bed 6,” the nurse said.

“Have you got any identity yet?”

The nurse shook her head. “I think we have to wait until he wakes up for that.”

Sungyeol thanked her and walked to the said room. It was a room for twelve, and ¾ of the beds were full. But it was past midnight and everybody was asleep, curtain drawn high around their beds.

Sungyeol kept his step light and soundless as to not disturb the other patient. He thought about what he should say first to greet the man, although he most likely would be asleep.

He was a little nervous and cautious, because a man appearing in a hospital without identity, sporting gunshot and stab wound that gruesome, was suspicious. He could be a victim of a serious murder attempt, or he could be a criminal himself. He didn’t really thought about it before when the man’s life was literally on his hand, but now that he could, he realized how suspicious the man is.

Sungyeol pulled the curtain and stopped.

The bed was empty except for hanging IV and discarded ET tube on the blanket.

For a minute, in his daze he pulled open the curtain of several other beds, startling some patient from their sleep. Of course, he didn’t get what he was looking for.

He ran to the nurse station, thinking the nurse had given him the wrong room. Five minutes later, he ran back to the room, along with the previous nurse, face pale and afraid. They checked the other nearby room, and finally all the room in that floor.

He couldn’t find the man anywhere.

-

 

 

The panic that ensued after that blew away whatever calm Sungyeol had that night. He didn’t know which one is worse, the Mayor’s death or the man’s disappearance. The whole hospital was notified about the man and they had searched for him from rooftop to basement, but they found nothing, not even a drop of suspicious blood. He was summoned to Sunggyu’s room for the second time that night, and it wasn’t even the worst part.

No, the worst part was the journalist. The first one was managed to get into the hospital despite the fact that it was not visiting hour and managed to corner him before he even realized it. Only when the man started to ask question about the Mayor Sungyeol gathered his thought together. He shoved the man out of his way and told him to go; the hospital would give press release tomorrow. When he didn’t listen, Sungyeol slammed the door to his break room on his face.

Before the dawn even broke, there were at least two more of journalists running around in the hospital. Sungyeol spent his night constructing explanation for the board members and thinking about the mysteriously disappearing man.

“They want you in the Meeting Room 1 at 8,” Woohyun said when he opened the door and found him in the break room. He brought a steaming cup of coffee and put it in front of Sungyeol, who gratefully sipped it immediately.

“Thanks,” he said after the coffee woke him up a little. “Maybe I should clean myself a little. And eat breakfast. Do you want to come with me? Should we eat outside? It’s early but if we go now we can get back here before our morning round started,” he stood up.

“No,” Woohyun said. “It’s best not to go outside today. There are reporters and journalists camping outside.”

Sungyeol looked at his senior surprised. “There are? Why?”

“The scandal is blowing up out of proportion. People are hearing about our hospital refusing to treat the Mayor for some kind of fictional patient, that’s what I get from reading the news online,” Woohyun said, looking at his eyes.

Sungyeol swore. “My patient is not fictional. I touched him, I treated him, and the bullet is probably still there on the operating room. What are they up to?”

Woohyun shrugged. “You should clean up. Wash your face and wear a clean shirt. I’ll bring you some sandwich from the cafeteria.”

Sungyeol closed his eyes and grinded his teeth.

“Oh, and Yeol?” Woohyun said before he got out of the room.

“What?” Sungyeol opened one of his eyes.

Woohyun spoke, softer this time. “You don’t have to worry that much. Sunggyu Hyung will defend you later.”

“Thanks,” Sungyeol offered the elder a small smile. “I know that, of course. But still, how can I not worry? The whole Seoul’s eyes are this hospital right now, and later probably they will focus only on me, when they finally hear the complete story. I’m lucky if I’m not fired, but hoping that everything will just pass without a consequence on me is pushing it a bit too far, don’t you think?”

Woohyun’s face fell as he listened to Sungyeol’s words. Sungyeol could see his senior desperately wanted to get him out of this mess, but couldn’t – and if that wasn’t the worst feeling ever, Sungyeol didn’t know. He wished Woohyun doesn’t have to feel guilty thought, it wasn’t related to him at all – this mess.

“Hyung, don’t worry. I’m just feeling a little wronged here and –“

“You did the right thing, Sungyeol,” Woohyun cut him. “You said so, and I agree. So, everything should be okay. This will pass and you’ll be fine.”

It’s hard to believe the elder. Sungyeol knew Woohyun, and he also knew the difference of the tone the other uses for truth and comfort. He knew this belonged to the latter.

“Thanks, Hyung,” he said anyway.

-

 

 

The scandal did finally blow, although not out of proportion. He was summoned to Sunggyu’s office shortly before the meeting, where they discussed their argument. Sungyeol couldn’t even remember the detail of the board meeting because it was still a much unreal scenario in his head, but he could remember his explanation about what happened last night, word by word.

Sunggyu fought for him, hard. Despite him giving Sungyeol a storm of scolding before, he actually pleaded the board to let Sungyeol stay. He won, because Sunggyu was just good like that – although of course most of the reason for their victory was the fact that Sungyeol had an ethical justification for what he did. They let him stay on their hospital, although Sunggyu reminded him later that he should never hope for a research fund, if he one day decide to run one.

He had to speak for himself in the press conference – this one Sungyeol also didn’t remember much except from the blinding flashlight and the lenses (there are many of them, much more than Sungyeol ever seen in one place).  The hospital hid the fact from public that the mysterious man had gone, but of course journalists knew how to look for a corpse from the smell of blood.

For one whole week, the city was in mourning over the loss of their beloved leader. The media ran a whole week long column about the tragedy, the hospital failure, and the “mysterious patient that the hospital let out”. Of course, Sungyeol’s name and photos were dragged into the article too, although the photo only occupied 2x2 cm area in small corner, while the name were only mentioned several times.

By the end of the week, the hospital decided the news was old and started to pick up a new victim: the Deputy Mayor; or just the Mayor nowadays. Sungyeol, on the other hand, started receiving “fan letter” from the Mayor’s loyal supporter. The friendliest one was asking him to resign from his position and the rudest one had the word “poop” and “trash”.

The letter kept coming until the next month, but the frequency got lower and lower, until finally Sungyeol didn’t receive any letter at all for a week straight. He declared to himself that it was finally over. He glanced to the door of his break room and remembered Woohyun’s words. _This will pass, and you’ll be fine_. His senior got it right.

Except he didn’t.

Sungyeol was done with his shift that day. When Chorong came to take over his shift at 9 pm, he quickly changed his clothes and took his bag. He planned to take a shower at his house, where the water was hotter and he could hog the shower as long as he wants.

He was walking between Geum Street and Do Street, probably only 200 meters from the hospital, when he was yanked roughly to the narrow alley between Golden Pacific Building and Daemoon Tower.

He yelped, out of surprise and pain. Whoever grabbed him immediately threw him into the wall and trapped him there, leaving no room to run away. He quickly kneed Sungyeol stomach, which made him unable to run even if there was room anyway.

His attacker was a big man in his late thirty. He didn’t look like a criminal, but just your usual office worker – with short, well-cut hair. He wore a glasses, white shirt, black pants – as if he was just coming here straight from work. But instead of bag, in his hand was a knife, its blade reflects the light from the street, which felt so far away from where Sungyeol was now.

“Wha –“ Sungyeol only managed to say before the first stab landed on his body. It went through his left shoulder, narrowly missing his neck, and the pain that seared his body was nothing like he ever felt before. He was never stabbed – getting hit – yes, many times, as well as getting slapped. He was once kicked by a group of juvenile gang until he broke one of his breast bones, but even then the pain was not like this.

The knife didn’t stop there, the man pulled it (and it was another new pain when he did that) and aimed at his stomach. Sungyeol was torn between protecting his stomach or his hands, and he ended up twisting his body instead. The knife torn his waist, and Sungyeol couldn’t help but scream. Let someone hear him, please. Let someone hear him.

“You killed him,” the man growled. From the corner of his eyes Sungyeol could see the manic and grief in the man’s eye, thought he couldn’t be sure because his eyes were watery now due to the pain.

“Who –“ he gasped as the knife lodged itself farther into Sungyeol’s stomach. He could feel blood in his mouth; he had torn either his lips or tongue.

“The Mayor,” the man hissed right next to Sungyeol’s face. It was weird Sungyeol still noticed that the only aroma he could smell was mint, and not alcohol or some other equally filthy stench. The man’s white shirt was splotched with red, and Sungyeol vaguely wondered how the man could get home later.

The knife was pulled again and this time it was aimed toward his chest. Sungyeol closed his eyes and waited for the pain, but instead there was a sound of someone fell to the ground and the man’s hold on Sungyeol’s right chest was loosened. He opened his eyes and the man was sprawled on the ground, a young man in his late twenty had his shoes on his chest.

“Who are you?” his attacker asked, stunned. His cheek was bruised, his nose bloody. The man had hooked him right on the face. Whoever it was, the man had admirable strength because the attacker was big and he was able to make him fall with a hit.

The young man didn’t answer, instead he bent forward. The blade that was once on the attacker’s hand was now in his.

It happened so fast Sungyeol couldn’t even manage to say “no” before he saw the spray of blood from the attacker’s neck. He gurgled and tried to say something, but could only managed one or two syllable before he lied there, still.

Sungyeol’s brain went blank from then on. He was paralyzed, from fear and disbelief and pain and more fear. He was used to see blood, dismembered body, and various gruesome state of corpse – he was a trauma surgeon, damn it. But, to see a manslaughter right in front of his eyes was another thing altogether, apparently.

He could feel himself losing consciousness. He couldn’t understand anything, except one thing. The last second before he fell, the man looked behind and Sungyeol knew that eyes, knew that face. It was a face so beautiful he could never forget.

It was his missing patient.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe I forgot to tag Dongwoo! He is quite an important character in this fic.

 

 

 

Even before he opened his eyes, Sungyeol knew he was in the hospital. He even knew he was in _his_ hospital. Maybe he truly had the best intuition, or maybe he could differentiate the distinct smell between his hospital and the other. Or maybe he just heard Sunggyu and Woohyun conversing in low, medical voice beside him.

He inhaled as the memories from before assaulted him. Alley, knife, attack, spraying blood, and that eyes, that man….

Sungyeol sprang so suddenly from his bed that Woohyun squeaked a little. His shoulder and stomach sent a jet of fresh pain through his whole body but Sungyeol endured it as he pulled the IV needle connected in his arm. He already got one foot on the floor when he felt Sunggyu’s hand on his shoulder.

“I’m fine, I need to check something,” he brushed his chief’s hand aside as he put another foot down.

“You’ll open the suture, lie back down,” Sunggyu instructed, towering over him as he was sitting down and the other was standing.

“Just a minute,” Sungyeol attempted to stand, putting his weight on his foot.

“Stay in bed,” Sunggyu said lowly, quietly (dangerously) and usually Sungyeol would never dare to disobey that tone but he need to check his patient’s file. Now.

“Make me,” he said when he finally stood up. Now he was the one towering over Sunggyu.

Sunggyu touched his stomach and Sungyeol gasped, because fuck that was painful. He fell back to his bed and Woohyun was already pushing both his foot up to the bed and arrange him into a more comfortable position.

“You ask for it,” Sunggyu smirked.

“Fuck you,” Sungyeol gave him a finger, which immediately swatted by Woohyun because he was reattaching the IV drip to Sungyeol.

“I’m increasing your drug,” Sunggyu said. Sungyeol wasn’t even sure he was joking or not, because he was asleep faster before he could mutter another curse.

-

 

 

The next time he opened his eyes, Hoya was there. He was sitting on the chair on his right side, reading a health magazine where Sungyeol knew he became a contributor for one of its column. He looked at Sungyeol briefly when he saw him awake.

“Sunggyu’s assigning guard dog, now?” he asked as he tried to sit down. Thank God there was a cup of water on his bedside.

“Yes, he paid me for this inconvenience,” Hoya said nonchalantly. Sungyeol could see the man brought a muffin here, and it was currently half-eaten beside his cup. He felt hungry.

“How long did I pass out?” he asked Hoya, squinting at the brightness of the sunlight from behind his closed curtain. Fuck, Sunggyu wasn’t kidding about the drug last night.

“Not long enough, because you’re awake when I’m on duty,” his friend answered. “But you missed breakfast just now,” he continued as he ate the rest of the muffin. Sungyeol cursed him but then he remembered why he was here, and his hunger vanished just like that.

“Where is he?” he asked, slightly panic, slightly desperate.

“In his office,” Hoya raised his eyebrows, noticing Sungyeol’s tone. Sungyeol almost jumped from his bed but then he realized something.

“No, not Sunggyu. My patient. My missing patient,” he looked at Hoya’s eyes.

“He ran away, remember?” Hoya asked him back. If Sungyeol was in his usual condition, he would notice the sarcasm dripping on his voice. However, his mind wild and scattered, he thought Hoya was serious.

“Did he?” his eyes widen, he was stunned. “After he killed that man?”

This time, it was Hoya that was stunned. “Hold on,” the man said. “Which missing patient is this?”

“There is only one missing patient in our hospital history,” Sungyeol snapped, angry because Hoya didn’t get what he meant. He needed to find that patient. There was a lot of thing he wanted to ask – why did he run away? Who is he? Did he really kill that man? Did Sungyeol save a killer back then? 

“You’re saying your missing patient was there last night?” Hoya asked, still stunned.

“Yes, he did. Hoya, he killed my attacker,” Sungyeol shook Hoya’s shoulders. “Tell me where he is, I need to talk to him.”

“Yeol, so you didn’t kill the man?” Hoya took his hands from his shoulders and held it in the wrist. He looked at Sungyeol seriously. This question snapped Sungyeol from his thought about the missing patient, if only for the sheer absurdity of it.

“What?” he asked Hoya. “You… you think I killed my attacker?” he sounded more hurt that he felt. “How could you? I would never kill people, Hoya!”

Hoya looked like he hated himself for saying this. “I know you would never kill people _intentionally._ I know you didn’t kill him like that, Yeol. But if it was for self defense, you don’t have to feel guilty about it.”

“EVEN IF FOR SELF DEFENSE, I WOULD NEVER KILL HIM!” Sungyeol shouted, yanking his hands from Hoya’s hold.

The door to his room opened and Sunggyu looked inside.

“What happened?” he asked, but he didn’t wait for answer as he already saw Sungyeol awake. Maybe the mere presence of conscious Sungyeol was enough explanation of any noise or ruckus in Sunggyu’s mind, because he looked back outside and said to someone, “come in.”

Two police detective – rough looking and complete with stubble and unwashed face – came inside, followed by Sunggyu.

“Sungyeol-ah, the cops want to talk to you,” he said with the same tone as if he said “Woohyun wants to talk to you”. He turned to Hoya, “Hoya, you can go now.”

“What? You wanted me here all the time when he did nothing but sleep, but now when something interesting comes up you kick me out,” Hoya pouted.

Sunggyu didn’t even bother to answer or validate that, and pointed to the door with his eyes. Hoya threw him a dirty look, but obeyed nonetheless. Sunggyu closed the door behind him.

“How are you feeling?” he asked Sungyeol and started to check him briefly.

“Crappy,” Sungyeol snarled, he still didn’t forgive Sunggyu for last night.

“Look fine,” Sunggyu hummed. “This is Mr. Kim and Mr. Park –“

“Song and Jun, actually,” the smaller between the two cops interrupted.

“Oh yeah, sorry. Mr. Son and Mr. Jung wanted to talk to you about last night. You have 15 minutes for that,” he continued. He gestured to the two cops to sit on the two chairs on Sungyeol’s right side of the bed, while he himself pulled a stool and sit on Sungyeol’s left side.

“So, Mr. Lee, do you remember about what happened last night?” the bigger cop started the questioning. The smaller one recorded this on his phone while also taking some notes.

“I was going home, walking – I always walk because it’s only 20 minutes from here. It was around 9 when I left the hospital, and in front of Golden Pacific Building, someone suddenly pulled me inside an alley besides that building. He kneed my stomach and trapped me on the wall, so I couldn’t run. Then he just stabbed me. Once in my shoulder and once in my waist,” he recapped his story for the two cops. He could see Sunggyu also paid attention to his story.

“And what happened next, Mr. Lee?”

“He was about to stab my chest. I closed my eyes but instead of feeling the pain, I heard him fall to the ground. When I opened my eyes, a man had hit him right on the face until he fell. And then… and then… the man suddenly slit my attacker’s throat. I fainted after that,” he finished his story.

Mr. Song and Mr. Jun looked at each other and Sungyeol knew what that meant. It meant that Hoya was right, people thought he killed the man.

“You are saying there was another man last night, and this man was the one who killed your attacker?” the big cop asked again. Sungyeol nodded.

“Can you describe this man, Mr. Lee?”

“Yes, I can. I actually know him,” Sungyeol said. He was determined to make the cops see he was saying the truth.

“What?” Sunggyu interrupted from beside him. “Yeol, what are you saying?”

“He was my patient. Last month. I performed a surgery on him – from stab wounds and gunshot wound. He was in the late 20s, a good looking man with black hair and black eyes. I couldn’t check it last time, but last night, he was almost as tall as me so that would be around 180 cm tall,”

“Sungyeol,” it was Sunggyu again. Sungyeol ignored him.

“Can we get his name?” the smaller cop asked this time.

“You can’t,” Sunggyu answered. “The patient ran away last time.”

The cops looked at each other again.

“Mr. Lee, you sure you saw this man last night?”

“I did. I knew my patient, I never forget them. I knew it was him,” Sungyeol said, annoyed and angry.

“However Mr. Lee, we found absolutely no evidence that there were other people except you and your attacker on the alley last night,” the big cop told him.

Sungyeol felt like he was being punched. “What?”

“There was no footprint other than yours and your attacker, no fingerprints, no strand of hair. On the knife too, we only found yours,” the smaller added.

“What? That’s impossible, I didn’t even touch the knife!” Sungyeol shouted. “I didn’t even dare to put my hand anywhere near that damned blade because I’m a _surgeon_ damnit!”

“Sungyeol, calm down,” Sunggyu put his hands on his shoulder.

“Mr. Lee, rest assured that you won’t be arrested for this. There is enough evidence that the man attacked you first, and you were only defending yourself,” the smaller cop tried to mollify him, which didn’t work of course, because that wasn’t what Sungyeol wants.

“I didn’t kill him! It was the man, you see. You must have missed something. He was touching the blade, he was wearing shoes and he even stepped on the man’s chest – you’re saying you don’t find anything from that?” Sungyeol felt his eyes water from the emotion.

“I think you should go now,” Sunggyu said. He was startled for a while until he realized Sunggyu talked to the police and not to him. “He’s in more shock than I thought.”

“I’m not in shock! I said the truth!” Sungyeol insisted. He felt so frustrated, even more than that night when he faced the consequences of saving his mysterious patient. Maybe he was even as frustrated as when he tried to tell everyone that Dongwoo’s death wasn’t accident, but murder.

The cops stood up and Sungyeol grabbed their arms, but Sunggyu pried his hand from them gently. “Rest now,” he said.

“Hyung,” Sungyeol said, pleading, although he wasn’t sure what he was pleading. For them to stop thinking Sungyeol killed the man, for them to believe that his missing patient was there, or for them to find his missing patient.

“Rest,” Sunggyu said and he led the two cops out of the room. When the door was closed, Sungyeol was so tired that even if he tried to fight it, he ended up asleep anyway. His dream was full of red and black. Splotchy red on white shirt, pooling red on the ground, and he himself was covered in red head to toe. It wasn’t his blood, he felt no pain, but when he looked up he saw a man covered in black, looking at him with endless black orbs and Sungyeol was sucked into that pit.

-

 

 

Sungyeol jerked awake and suddenly he was face to face with the same black orbs from his dream.

He laughed because he thought he was dreaming inside his dream. He didn’t experience this often.

But then he felt his laughter dying in his throat because he realized that he wasn’t dreaming. No, because he could feel his head pounding his skull, trying to crack it open. He could feel powerful, persistent pain from his shoulder and his waist. He could even smell the distinct aroma of this hospital. But it couldn’t be real, because in front of him was the man from last night – or last month, you could say. The beautiful young man Sungyeol had saved from death, who also killed someone last night.

Sungyeol’s first thought was to run – or shout – but he was paralyzed from fear. Because, he’ll be honest, as much as he wanted to meet the young man again, and as much as he was angry for what he did, the man was terrifying. This was the man who suddenly vanished from his hospital mere minutes after he received a surgery for gunshot and some nasty stabs. This was the man who knocked a man twice his size with a single blow, and slit his throat with one clean swipe of knife. This was the man who did all of that, and able to go away without leaving a single trace. Sungyeol wasn’t even sure if this man was a human at all.

“I found you,” the man smiled, and it was the creepiest thing Sungyeol ever hear. He jerked backward, away from the young man who was currently sitting on his bed.

“Oh, God,” the man quickly raised his hand. “Did I scare you? I didn’t mean ‘I found you’ like that. I’m not hunting you.”

Sungyeol still couldn’t find his voice. He thought he should press the button and call some nurse, so he let his right hand crawled under the blanket to reach for the button. The man somehow realized it and quickly reached for his hand, effectively stopping him.

Sungyeol would’ve screamed until Dongwoo heard him from his grave if he could, but he didn’t because the touch was surprisingly gentle instead of threatening like he expected. Also, his hand was warm, and maybe he was a human after all.

“Let’s not bother the nurses, I’m only here to deliver this,” he took something from his pocket with his other hand.

It was a ring – Dongwoo’s ring, Sungyeol realized. Why did the man have it? Sungyeol always saved it in a compartment in his bag, never wearing it because of his job.

“I found it last night on the alley. I wasn’t sure if this is yours or his, so I thought why not find out about it. And then I found you here.”

The man played with the ring, observing it closely. Sungyeol, on the other hand, was observing the man back. How could he appear on Sungyeol’s bed, no more than fifty centimeters from him, Sungyeol didn’t know. It felt surreal. He could see the nasty bruises and wounds from a month ago were already fading, and it added to his overall beauty.

“Is this yours?” the man suddenly looked up at Sungyeol. Sungyeol nodded, still couldn’t find his voice to answer.

In one fluid motion, the man took his left hand and caressed it gently. Before Sungyeol could ever give any more thought over this sudden and unexpected movement, the man slipped the ring on his ring finger. It fitted.

“Is the ring important to you?” the man asked, still with soft voice (still holding his hand). He didn’t look at Sungyeol’s eyes, instead still eyeing the ring. Again, Sungyeol nodded.

“Take care of it, then. Don’t lose it again,” he said, finally looking right at Sungyeol’s eyes. Sungyeol held his breath, because those eyes were intense with emotion he couldn’t name.

And just like that, the man stood up, turned his heels, and walked away. Sungyeol found whatever strength that left him before the moment the man was out of his door and he bolted to the corridor, ripping off his IV, trying to catch him. But, when he reached there, there was no sign of the man anywhere.

-

 

 

“Once more,” Sungyeol said, biting his lips. He could hear Dongmin Hyung groaned.

“We’ve checked it twice, Dr. Lee. If he was there, we must have found him already.”

“No, we must’ve missed something, just like the cops. Play it once more,” Sungyeol said, already pressing the replay button. On the monitor, a CCTV record showing a hospital corridor was up. Sungyeol took note of everybody – the nurses, the patients, the hospital staffs, the doctors, yet there wasn’t any sign of the mysterious man on the corridor leading to Sungyeol’s wing. Too bad there was no camera on the corridor right where Sungyeol’s room was.

They both heard someone running and the door blasted open.

“Sungyeol!” Hoya panted, out of breath. “You dipshit, Sunggyu made me run all morning to find you. What are you doing here this early in the morning?!”

“He visited me,” Sungyeol answered, eyes not leaving the screen.

Hoya didn’t get it at first, glancing at Dongmin Hyung questioningly before the security guard shrugged his shoulders.

“Who?” Hoya eyed him.

“The missing patient. Last night. I was looking for him, he should be recorded on the CCTV but I can’t find him anywhere!”

Sungyeol could feel Hoya’s curiosity dropped significantly when he heard the word “missing patient”. Sungyeol gritted his teeth. Everybody still believed that he was either lying or hallucinating.

“Sungyeol-ah,” Hoya’s tone was half pity and half exasperated – and it was the tone Sungyeol hated the most.

“He was here!” he snapped toward his friend. “When I woke up, he was just there, sitting down on my bed. He was there, Hoya. Right in front of me, but I was too scared to move and he just went away after he gave me Dongwoo’s ring – I dropped it that night. He was there!”

Hoya looked taken aback from his outburst. “Hey, hey, Sungyeol-ah.”

“I was so afraid – you didn’t saw him, did you? He killed the man so effortlessly, like he does it every day, and I was in front of him, you know? But he didn’t kill me,” Sungyeol started to get upset. “That night too, he didn’t kill me. He saved me, in fact. But he killed that man. And I saved him too, once, but he killed people after that. And he was so well mannered, so pretty, how do I know back then that he was a killer? I –“

“Sungyeol-ah, calm down,” Hoya said, soft but stern, and Sungyeol shut up. He could feel himself breathing a little too fast, and there was a weird pressure on the back of his eyes.

“Let’s get you back to your room,” Hoya took his hand and led him outside Dongmin Hyung’s room, after thanking the older staff. Sungyeol followed, feeling thankful that he still got people like Hoya, Woohyun, and Sunggyu, who always took care of him without being asked.

Dongwoo’s ring was on Sungyeol’s bedside table when they entered the room.

“Look,” Sungyeol pointed at the ring so Hoya could notice. “He gave it to me last night. You know I didn’t have it when I was brought here that night, right?”

Sungyeol could see Hoya was about to speak something, when his pager rang. “My patient got a code blue,” he groaned, but he looked at Sungyeol before he dashed outside.

“What?” Sungyeol asked.

“Promise me you’ll stay here until Sunggyu Hyung actually allowed you to move,” he said.

“The hell are you doing, Hoya? Go!” Sungyeol shooed Hoya, annoyed because this fellow still had time to sprout such nonsense when his patient was code blue-ing.

“Promise me first,” Hoya was stubborn.

“I make no such promise,” Sungyeol could be more stubborn.

“Then I’m not going,” Hoya stood, folding his hands in front of his chest.

“Are you nuts? Your patient’s dying!” Sungyeol couldn’t believe his ears and eyes.

“Make me,” Hoya said.

“Fine! Fine, fine, fine! Go!” he threw a pillow at Hoya, who dodged it and flee.

-

 

 

Sungyeol observed the ring on his bedside. A white gold ring with a simple design, one centimeter wide, with a little sapphire on top. Engraved on its side are letters S and D, for Sunggyu and Dongwoo. It was their engagement ring, Sunggyu specially ordered it. Dongwoo used to wear it 24 hours a day. Sunggyu didn’t, but only because he was a surgeon. When Dongwoo died, Sungyeol gave it back to Sunggyu, who refused it and said Sungyeol should kept it instead.

Last night the ring became the thing that brought the mysterious patient back to him. Sungyeol wasn’t sure how he felt about that. He remembered the man, suddenly putting the ring on Sungyeol’s finger like that. He wasn’t sure how he felt about that either.

Wait.

The man put the ring on Sungyeol's finger. He took the ring from his pocket. He did all of that barehanded.

Forgetting his promise to Hoya, Sungyeol get out of the room and headed to Sunggyu’s room. He wasn’t sure about the current location of his phone. Maybe it was still in the police’s possession for evidence, because he still hadn’t received anything he had brought home with him that night (except the ring). So, he opened Sunggyu’s room, connected his computer to the internet to check a certain friend’s number, and used the phone on the table to dial that number.

“Hello?” the voice on the other end of the line asked tentatively.

“Junhyung Hyung!” he cheerfully greeted. “Hyung, this is Sungyeol!”

“Sungyeol?” Junhyung sounded confused. “I thought you were hospitalized. I watched the news and my friend who handled your case told me.”

“Yeah, I’m calling from the hospital. But don’t worry, I’m not hurt that badly. But Hyung, I need your help,” he quickly said what he wanted, before Sunggyu came.

“What?” Junhyung asked, back to his careful voice.

“Can you check a fingerprint for me?” Sungyeol asked back.

“Fingerprint? For what? Whose fingerprint?”

“My…” Sungyeol thought for a while. My missing patient? My savior? A killer? “My patient,” he said finally. “But I can’t tell you for what yet. Think of it as personal favor, it doesn’t have any relation with my case,” he lied easily.

It took two more minutes to convince Junhyung Hyung, but he finally agreed to pick the ring up this afternoon. Sungyeol could breathe easier for a while, at least now he had some hope to find out whom the mysterious patient was.

-

 

 

“It hasn’t even healed one bit,” Sunggyu gritted his teeth. It was afternoon and Sunggyu was checking his wounds. He was the doctor in charge of Sungyeol’s case. Sungyeol hated that.

“It has been only three days,” Sungyeol rolled his eyes.

“It supposed to be all dried up, right now,” Sunggyu glared at him. “But you keep running away from one end of the hospital to the other! Control yourself, won’t you?”

“I know, Hyung. God, you’re such a – oh, hey Hyung, come in!” Sungyeol was about to say something insulting to the older when he saw Junhyung standing in front of his door. He greeted him cheerfully.

“Who is this?” Sunggyu asked, not unkindly, as he watched the other entering the room.

“Sunggyu Hyung, this is Junhyung Hyung, my high school senior. Now he’s a police detective. Junhyung Hyung, this is Sunggyu Hyung, my prissy Chief of Surgeon,” Sungyeol introduced them to each other. They held hands and smiled.

“Thanks for visiting him,” Sunggyu said. “Maybe you can convince him to stop moving.”

“I’ll try,” Junhyung replied. “It would be nearly impossible, though. In high school, our teacher used to give him a time out chair for punishment. Imagine it, time out chair for a high schooler! She thought time out chair would make him far more miserable than cleaning the gym or running several laps.”

“I know that,” Sunggyu laughed. “His Hyung used to give him the same punishment.”

Sungyeol waited until Sunggyu left them alone before taking out Dongwoo’s ring from the bedside drawer. He had touched it carefully after he realized what kind of fingerprints currently printed on its surface.

“A ring?” Junhyung said. “Is the fingerprint you want me to check is on it?”

Sungyeol nodded.

“I can’t promise you if I could even find any fingerprints here, the surface is too narrow,” Junhyung frowned.

“At least I want you to try,” Sungyeol insisted. “Other than my patient’s fingerprint, there should be mine on the ring too. Ignore that and just tell me whose fingerprint the other is, alright, Hyung?”

“Alright, I’ll try, even if I’ll only get half of the fingerprint,” Junhyung said, pulling out a box from his bag. He then wore latex gloves and sprayed some kind of powder to the ring. Junhyung used two different cellotype to take those fingerprints.

“Now all I need to do is check whose fingerprint is this,” he said. “You have to absolutely swear you’re not using this fingerprint for some crime – like blackmail or something.”

“Hyung, you know me. I wouldn’t do that,” Sungyeol reassured him. “Anyway thanks, Hyung. I owe you,”

They spent some time catching up with each other’s life and then Junhyung had to go.

“I’ll have the result by night,” he said before he left. “Don’t move from your bed until then.”

-

_Both of the fingerprints are yours, there is no other fingerprint._

“What is this?” Sungyeol looked at the smartphone screen, perplexed.

“That’s what it said,” Mijoo, one of his residents said, taking her phone from Sungyeol’s hand. Mijoo was also in the same high school as him and Junhyung, a year under him, and Sungyeol told Junhyung to text his finding to her.

“But that’s impossible,” Sungyeol said, thoroughly confused. The man definitely touched the ring, so how come his fingerprint wasn’t there? He shuddered; could it be that the man was really not a human?

“Anyway, what is it about, Sunbae? What fingerprint are you two talking about?”

“Not your business, Mijoo. Go away, but thanks for the phone,” he waved his hand dismissively. Mijoo grumbled for being left out of the information.

He was unable to sleep; his mind was focused on the man with the black hair and black eyes, covered in black attire. In three occasions Sungyeol met him, he was always wore black from head to toe. Sungyeol wondered what his name is.

The hospital started to get quiet after 10 pm. Visitor weren’t allowed after that, and the patients and their guardians themselves started to fall asleep. The doctors and nurses on shift would stay in their station or room, unless there were emergencies. It was the best time for Sungyeol to sneak out of his room and bought himself a cup of hot coffee from a vending machine.

“Are you even allowed to drink that?” a voice greeted him and Sungyeol almost dropped his (steaming hot!) coffee all over his body.

“Don’t scare me like that! I have hot water!” he scolded whoever it was talking to him, before he took a good look of whom and choked.

“You –“

“Don’t scream. The moment you scream, I’ll disappear,” the man smiled. He had dimples, Sungyeol noticed. He didn’t notice it yesterday.

“What do you want?” Sungyeol managed to say. His voice trembled, but he was pretty proud that his legs didn’t give up.

“I just want to ask a simple question. The ring I gave you before… who is it from?” the man asked. His voice was unique, slightly high and nasally but also so cute. Again Sungyeol had to remind himself that this man was strong enough to kill people and smart enough to get away with it.

“What does it mean to you?” Sungyeol asked, because it was a pretty odd question.

“Is it from your boyfriend?” the man ignored his question and proceeded with his own.

_Boyfriend?_ Suddenly Sungyeol found this conversation very absurd.

“Is this your way of asking me whether I have a boyfriend or not?”

“Maybe,” the man shrugged with a poker face, Sungyeol couldn’t read anything from his deep, dark eyes. “Or maybe I just want to know who gave you the ring?”

If Dongwoo was alive, Sungyeol would never tell the man a thing about the owner of the ring. But he figured there should be no harm left if he disclosed the information right now.

“It is from my brother,” Sungyeol said, looking straight at the man’s eyes.

The man’s eyes lost focus for a moment, but before Sungyeol fully realized it the poker face was back. The man bit his lips, and smirked. “So, no boyfriend, then? Alright, I’ve got what I’m looking for. Bye!”

The man was turning his heels, ready to walk away again. Sungyeol didn’t want him to go, but he also didn’t dare to touch him, so he could only say, “Wait! I also have questions for you!”

Miraculously, the man stopped and turned back to look at him. _Go on_ , his eyes told Sungyeol.

Sungyeol had so many questions. He didn’t know which one to pick, because he surely couldn’t ask the man everything because he most likely would only stay for one question, and only if the question was right.

“Why did you kill him?” was the one that made it out of Sungyeol’s mouth.

The man’s previously expressionless mask shattered for a second. His eyes widen, flashed with panic and anger and sadness and so many other emotions, Sungyeol couldn’t even follow. His mouth opened, but no voice came out. Then as fast as it happened, the poker face was back.

“What do you mean?” the man asked with low voice.

The presence Sungyeol felt that night in the alley and last night in his room was back. A very intimidating presence, as if his whole senses tried to remind him that this man was a very dangerous man. His tongue was tied, once again he lost his ability to speak or move.

“What do you mean?” the man repeated his question. Sungyeol swallowed, and forced himself to speak.

“That night… when you save me. Why did you kill him?” he couldn’t say anything longer than that.

The man suddenly looked confused, though his presence was still menacingly intimidating. How someone with that face and voice could emanate something as deadly as this, Sungyeol didn’t know.

“He almost killed you,” the man answered, as if it was obvious.

“But you don’t have to kill him, you could have just knock him out or something…”

The man looked at Sungyeol as if he didn’t understand what Sungyeol is talking about. Maybe he really didn’t.

Then the man turned again and walked away.

“Wait!” Sungyeol shouted because there were still a lot of question in his minds. _Are you human? Why don’t you have fingerprints? Why did you run away last month? Why do you visit me? Who are you? Do you know that you are good looking?_

“Sorry, Doctor,” the man said, now his tone was back to its high pitched voice. “I asked you one question, I answered you one question.”

The man walked fast and Sungyeol tried to run but he was wounded, his stomach begged for him to stay still, so there was no way he could catch him. Before the man disappeared around the corner, Sungyeol shouted for the last time.

“Who are you?”

“Call me L,” the man said and the last thing Sungyeol could see of him that night was his shadow, disappearing into the dark corner.

 

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At this point, Sungyeol isn't supposed to know L's real name, but I kept forgetting to write L instead of Myungsoo! So if you spot any of that, please tell me.

 

 

 

 

Sungyeol couldn’t sleep, and it wasn’t because of the coffee.

Like a moth that got drawn to light, Sungyeol couldn’t help but to be curious about L. Or maybe intrigued was a much better diction.

Like, what kind of name is L? Who is he? What is he? Is he a bad man? He must be a bad man for killing Sungyeol’s assaulter. No, he must be a good man for saving Sungyeol’s life. The gunshot wound and the stabs. How did he get them? Was he saving someone else’s life? Was he taking someone else’s life?

(Sungyeol’s stomach lurched more at the former possibility instead of the latter)

Why did he save Sungyeol? Did he remember Sungyeol as the surgeon who treated him or did he do it out of obligation to humanity? Considering he killed the other man, maybe it was the first. But if it was the first, what a devotion! 

(Sungyeol shuddered)

Where did he come from, what kind of live he was living, what was going on in his mind, these questions kept replaying inside Sungyeol’s head. It drove him crazy he tried to persuade Sunggyu to give him more sedative.

(He failed)

If not about those grand questions, he thought about the little, harmless detail of L. His pretty eyes and his intense gaze. His calloused finger and his tender touches. His nasal voice and his playful words. He didn’t make sense yet he did. What he did should be impossible but he did it anyway.

Sungyeol didn’t know who was L. Didn’t know if he was good or bad. Didn’t know if he was a killer or victim of both. What he knew was that he wants to meet him again.  
-

 

 

Several days passed without L appeared again and Sungyeol was still undecided whether this was a good thing or not. When April 7th came, he forced himself to forget all about L because today wasn’t a day for someone else, not even for L. It was the day for Dongwoo.

He went to the desk, asking for his bill. It cost him 1.800.000 won, for six days stay plus the surgery, but his insurance will take care of that. He scanned the form for further details to make sure there’s nothing out of place.

“I don’t think Dr. Kim has discharged you from the treatment, Dr. Lee,” one of the staffs said, frowning.

“I know that, I’m discharging myself. Give me the waiver,” Sungyeol waved his hand, taking a pen and started to sign the bill. The staffs looked at each other, probably even rolling their eyes – they faced this kind of shit every day. Sungyeol didn’t care as long as they handed him his waiver, and they did, but another hand snatched it before he could even touch it. 

“Who allows you to go?” Sunggyu appeared out of nowhere, frowning distastefully.

“I don’t need anybody’s permission,” he replied, mirroring Sunggyu’s frown. “I’m a legal and capable adult.”

“Too bad you’re still my brother,” Sunggyu ripped the waiver and the bill before placing it back on the desk. “Please don’t process his discharge,” he said to the staffs, who hurriedly typing and clicking on their computer, probably trying to cancel the process.

“Hey!” Sungyeol protested. “You're not even legally my brother!”

Sunggyu gave him a pointed look. “Will you stop making thing harder for me?”

Sungyeol stubbornly refused to feel guilty. “Dream on. Eunha, print the bill again!”

“Sungyeol,” Sunggyu sighed tiredly.

“I have to get out of here today,” Sungyeol looked at Sunggyu’s eyes. “You know what day it is. I have to visit Dongwoo Hyung and pay him a proper respect.”

Sunggyu looked pained. “And what would Dongwoo think of me when he saw you limping to his grave? He would think that I don’t take care of you like I promised him.”

Sungyeol took a moment to admit that what Sunggyu said was true. 

“But,” he said. “Today is his death anniversary. I will go there even if I’m dying, Hyung. Do you think I will stay here when all I got is a limp?”

Sunggyu softened when he heard that. “Let’s not discharge you then,” Sunggyu said, raising one of his hands when Sungyeol opened his mouth. “I’ll give you permission to leave the hospital for three hours. We can visit Dongwoo’s grave together. I’ll drive.”

Sungyeol sighed in relief. “What about your shift?”

“I’ve just finished,” Sunggyu answered. “Change your clothes and wait outside. I’ll take my car from the parking lot.”  
-

 

 

They drove all the way to the suburb to reach the graveyard on the hillside. It was only 10 AM and the graveyard was quite empty. They went to one grave on the right side of the yard, where a white marble grave stood silently and peacefully. Engraved on the marble was:

 

**JANG DONGWOO  
1981-2011**

 

“It’s been five years,” Sunggyu said after they were done giving their respect. 

“It is,” Sungyeol agreed. “Time flashes.”

Nobody spoke for a minute, both Sunggyu and Sungyeol reminisced the lover and brother they lost. 

“He was such a nice brother,” Sungyeol sighed in sadness.

“That was an understatement,” Sunggyu responded. “I still can’t believe you and him are related.”

“Hey, I am nice too, when I want,” Sungyeol complained. 

“Right, I don’t think it’s a matter of want. It’s a matter of ability,” Sunggyu remarked dryly. “If you can be nice, why don’t you act nice?”

“I don’t want to. My brother was nice, look how he died,” Sungyeol said bitterly. “He didn’t even get to see me as a doctor and he was the one who was responsible for this shitty career choice of mine.”

His words were all empty and he knew Sunggyu knew, but he was thankful he didn’t call him out on it.

“I wish he could see you,” Sunggyu said and from his voice Sungyeol knew the elder was holding back his tears.

“The flower bucket is here again,” Sungyeol said, wanting to change the conversation. He pointed at a nice flower bouquet on top of the grave.

“Same person?” Sunggyu asked.

“Should be,” Sungyeol picked it. “White roses, white camellia, white hydrangeas. It’s always the same white flower bucket every year.”

“Do you have any idea who is it?”

“As much as you have,” Sungyeol replied. “He never told me he had someone with a close relationship with him.”

“Should I be jealous?” Sunggyu asked.

“Maybe if it was five years ago,” Sungyeol eyed Sunggyu meaningfully. “But not now. It’s been five years. You know he would understand if you move on and start a new relationship, instead of clinging to the memory of him.”

“Let's not talk about that,” Sunggyu avoided the topic, just like every time they talked about this. "And what about you? You haven't dated anyone since medical school. That was seven years ago."

Sungyeol thought of L and wondered if he had a girlfriend. Or maybe he had a boyfriend. Was he even gay? He was inquiring about Sungyeol's nonexistent boyfriend last time, but that could be Sungyeol reading too much into it.

"I'm too busy to date anyway," he replied.

"Likewise, Sungyeol. Likewise."  
-

 

 

They spent some time on the graveyard, serving Dongwoo's favorite alcohol and reminiscing their time together. He bugged Sunggyu to treat him a lunch which Sunggyu refused because Sungyeol needs to follow hospital's diet. Sunggyu dropped him on the hospital lobby and ordered him to "eat your goddamn lunch and medicine and don't move an inch from your bed".

When he opened the door to his room, L was there.

“I was waiting for you for three hours,” the man greeted. He was sitting on one of the chairs, leaning to the window and facing the door. He wore all black again today.

“And nobody checked this room?” Sungyeol pondered to enter the room or not.

“No, I think they knew you’re not here,” L said, eyeing him with amusement. “Why don’t you come in? Feel free to come in, this is your room after all."

“Why are you here?” Sungyeol still stood on the doorway, yet he didn't really want to run or scream. Just like last time, L could vanish as sudden as he came.

“I was visiting someone this morning,” L answered. “And I thought, why don’t I visit you as well?”

“You know someone in this hospital?”

“I know you,” he said cheerily. “But really, you should sit down. You look pale.”

Sungyeol finally decided to walk into the room. He took the other chair that was unoccupied and dragged it a little farther from L. He didn’t want to make it easy for L in case he meant less than well.

“Why do you keep visiting me?” he asked.

“Can't I check up on you? I saved you after all,” L shrugged.

“Do you check on everybody you saved?” 

“Only the cute one,” L leaned to his chair.

Actually, now that Sungyeol dropped some of his guard, he could see that L himself didn’t look fine. He looked tired and down, and even if he was joking like usual, Sungyeol could tell his overall mood was somber. 

“Are you not feeling well?” he inquired. L looked at him with bleary eyes.

“Does it show?” he asked. “It’s not that I’m not well. These days I’m just... tired, you could say that.”  
Then it dawned on Sungyeol.

“Wait,” he said. “But you’re wounded, too. You’re shot and stabbed just a month before me. How could I forget that? And you didn’t get proper treatment but you walked around as if you’re fine. Are you fine? Did the wound open? Let me check it!”

Before he knew it, he moved forward to L and grabbed the other’s shirt, pulled it up to reveal his stomach, where several lining of stitch were visible. Sungyeol could see the suture was not his assistant's, as they seemed newer and messier. 

“You opened your stitch and got it redone,” he realized. “You opened your wound when you save me that day. You shouldn’t move like that when you have this kind of wound. What the hell, you should be careful when you’ve just got shot and stabbed, don’t you think?”

“You should be careful before approaching a man and opened his shirt, don’t you think?” L said, pulled his shirt down. “The man could get an idea.”

“I sure have an idea,” Sungyeol said, looking at L's hand where his knuckles were torn. Did he just beat someone else? “Wait here, I’ll take some supply and fix this.”

Sungyeol ran before the man got a chance to protest to the supply room. He found alcohol and gauzes to wrap the wound, but when he got back to his room, L had left again.  
-

 

 

It was a full week later that Sungyeol was finally allowed to go home, three days faster than Sunggyu would like but Sungyeol had done a very fine job of balancing between being a good patient  (eat both meal and medicine on time, nap and sleep at required time, limit his movement) to make his body heal faster and being an annoying patient (calling nurses for nothing, whining his way out to his fellow resident, driving staffs mad) to make his hospital discharge him faster, so Sunggyu had no way to win this battle.

It was still too long for Sungyeol’s liking, because if he had to spent one more night in the hospital and witnessed Hoya and Woohyun dancing around each other, being so painfully obvious to show the other their feeling, yet so stupidly oblivious to notice that the other was also trying to flirt back, he would throw the two of them into a washing machine in the laundry room and turned it on. Maybe if they spent some time in a locked tiny room that rotates they would finally be scared enough for their life and they'd confessed to each other.

He was discharged today, but he was only allowed to work five days later, which was very unfair but Sunggyu wouldn’t back down from this one.

“I thought you were sick of hospital, Yeol. Paid leave from work, for five days, I’d kill if I can,” Woohyun said, comforting him after a tantrum. Which was a big fat lie, Sungyeol knew Woohyun would never take a paid leave unless Hoya did too.

Which, by the way, roughly the same reason Sungyeol wanted to work. He just wanted to sleep on his own bed instead of the hospital’s, but he still wanted to spend time there. He felt useless if he was lying around at home when in the hospital hundreds of patients were waiting to be healed. He loved his job, he loved his patient, and there wasn’t any place he wanted to spend his time like he was in the hospital.

Okay, that was all lie.

He just wanted to meet L.

Sungyeol wasn’t stupid, he knew it wasn’t any normal people’s name. But that’s what the man had told him to call him, L. He wasn’t stupid, but every night he would try to speak his name, felt his tongue touched his upper front teeth, again and again like he was a five years old learning English all over again.

L didn’t come visit again, and Sungyeol was disappointed night every night, but he couldn’t stop being curious and intrigued. When L wasn’t near, he felt his fear dissipated little by little, and he found himself think about the man more and more. He found himself listing the contradictory traits he found in L – the man was an strong but his touch was gentle, the man was beautiful but he did such ugly thing, the man was shorter than Sungyeol but his presence was huge, and the list go on and on every time Sungyeol was amazed again and again when these contradictions fit.

Of course, he did all this while some part of his brain (maybe the part where all rational thought are made) keep reminding him that L was a killer, and possibly had killed more than just Sungyeol’s attacker that night. 

Still, he wanted to keep working on the hospital, so L could find him. He decided he could go to the hospital anyway – who would ban him from entering? – as long as he didn’t meet Sunggyu. He could do that, Sunggyu was easy to evade because he was always busy.

Woohyun drove him to his apartment, Sungyeol refused his offer to walk him to his door (“What am I? Hoya?” he teased the elder and just like that the elder flipped him a finger and stepped on his gas). The security guard on the ground floor greeted him and offered to help him with his bag – because Sungyeol knew him and he had watched the news – but Sungyeol refused because really, it was just a small cheap travel bag filled with toiletries and some equally cheap underwear Woohyun bought him from the minimarket near the hospital.

The police had given him the content of his bag from that night, minus the bag itself because they said it was too bloody. He didn’t bring much that night, only his phone, wallet, key card, glasses, and tablet. All were still salvageable.

He unlocked his door and put the bag on the floor before going to the kitchen to fetch some glass of water. That was when he got a heart attack.

Maybe not heart attack, but close. There in his kitchen, sitting on the dining chair in front of a bowl of cereal, an L. 

“Welcome,” L said, before lifting the bowl and drank all of the milk left. 

“How do you get inside?” Sungyeol asked shakily. His heart was still this close from stopping.

“I have my way,” L finished gulping the last bit of his milk and now he stretched his back and leaned contentedly on his chair. He reminded Sungyeol a bit of a cat.

A cat with teeth and claw of tiger, Sungyeol reminded himself.

“How do you know about this place?” Sungyeol continued, still not trusting himself to take one more step toward the kitchen.

“I have my way,” L said lazily.

“How long have you been here?”

“I found out about this place three days ago. But honestly I’ve only spend time more than five minutes today, because this place is a complete pigsty. I endure today, because you’re coming home,” L gave him a lazy smirk.

“Pigsty?” Sungyeol momentarily forgot his fear. “Excuse me, I didn’t come home for nearly two weeks, so of course it is dusty. But it’s not pigsty at all!”

“Yeah? Why did I found half eaten ice cream on the freezer? And I thought you had a yogurt in the refrigerator, I almost drank it before I realized it was milk getting sour.”

“Well…”

“And what’s with these empty cereal boxes on the floor? Actually, what’s with all of these things on the floor?”

“I’m a surgeon!” Sungyeol folded his arms on his chest. “I have no time!”

“And you don’t have any clean socks or underwear,” L shook his head, eyes full of pity.

“Why did you check my underwear?!” he squeaked.

Sungyeol was used to be the annoying one, he wasn’t used to be the one who was getting annoyed. He tried to remember what people did to him when he was being annoying. People with authority over him, like Dongwoo or Sunggyu, usually punish him. People without authority, like everybody else beside those two, usually just leave him.

He sure as hell didn’t have any authority over L (wait, the prideful part of his brain reminded him that he had the authority, this is his house and L was trespassing; but the rational part of his brain, the-responsible-for-surviving part of the brain, told the other part to shut the fuck up).

So he just hissed some threat (not serious threat, the-responsible-for-surviving part of the brain told him) and locked himself in the shower. He never felt clean taking a shower in the hospital. He turned on the shower, chose the hottest temperature he could stand, and felt his brain started melting.

L found him, found his apartment, and even broke inside. He wasn’t sure how he felt with this, because his brain tried to scare him with possibilities – a killer, inside his house. And he really should’ve felt afraid and called people, or ran, but here he was taking a shower. Why did he take a shower? Because he never felt clean taking a shower in the hospital, he had said this before. 

No, no that wasn’t the answer. He took a shower because he didn’t feel afraid. He didn’t feel unsafe. Sungyeol wasn’t stupid, he knew that there were bad people in the world, people who would hurt and inflict pain on others just because. Hell, he experienced those people and survived. He knew how to flee, he knew how avoid them. If he was afraid, he’d had bolted from his apartment the moment he saw someone sit on his chair; he’d had screamed that night L met him in front of vending machine and that day he found L sitting on his room, sweating and tired.

He should’ve been afraid, but he wasn’t. Instead, he was happy. He recognized this feeling as happiness, the same feeling he felt when Dongwoo was alive, when Dongwoo and Sunggyu was engaged, when he spent time with Woohyun and Hoya. He was looking forward to this meeting. He wasn’t afraid L found his house, in fact he was happy.

(You are fucked, his brain told him. Sungyeol agreed).

When he got out of the bathroom, he found L sprawled out on the couch, watching TV. Or Sungyeol thought he does, because apparently when he was near he saw his eyes were closed.

Sungyeol tiptoed near the man and watched his face carefully. The man was really handsome, even without the dark orbs that always fascinated Sungyeol. 

And then L opened his eyes so suddenly that Sungyeol yelped and fell backward.

L laughed and Sungyeol believed this is the first time he heard the man laughed.

“You think you could sneak up on me,” L said after he finished laughing (too soon, Sungyeol thought). “It was cute.”

“Jerk,” Sungyeol hissed as he stood up. “Why would you pretend to be asleep like that? Why are you lying on my couch? Why are you even here at all?”

“I have questions for you,” L pulled himself to sit down and indicated Sungyeol to sit on the space he had just emptied.

“Questions,” Sungyeol repeated. “For me?”

Sungyeol had vast imagination, but even he couldn’t imagine what kind of information L would want from him. He on the other hand, had so many question for L.

“Here is an idea,” L said. “We can play 10 Questions.”

“Only ten?” Sungyeol felt discontent. There was no way he could fit all of his curiosity about L into ten questions.

“There’s always next round,” L told him. “But, let’s start with ten.”

Sungyeol sat beside L and it was the first time he was in such close proximity with the other, discounting L’s first visit to him in the hospital.

“I’ll go first,” L said.

“That won’t be fair,” Sungyeol protested. “We should do kai-bai-bo.”

L humored him and they did kai-bai-bo, which ended up with L winning so it was a complete waste of two minutes.

“Okay, the first question,” Sungyeol said. L eyed him seriously.

“Why did you save me?”

A hard question even from the start, but Sungyeol had the answer. He could even give L the complete legal justification for Sungyeol saving him, he memorized it for his board meeting and press conference.

“You came first. My turn.”

L shrugged.

“Who are you?”

“That’s really not specific,” L protested. “You have to be specific.”

“Okay, first question. What do you do?”

“I’m a secret agent.”

Sungyeol had thought about this possibility before, but  he was still surprised to hear about it from L himself.

“Really?”

“Really. And that’s two questions from you," L smirked, ignoring Sungyeol's protest that that shouldn't count. “Now, my 2nd question. Tell me about your childhood.”

Sungyeol thought about it for a while, not really wanting to share his past detail with L. “Nothing much. I was an orphan. My brother raised me up. My turn. Why don’t you leave fingerprint?”

“Old trick. I laced my fingers with glue," L said nonchalantly. "Tell me about your brother.”

“The best brother ever,” Sungyeol had to smile when answering this. “He had infinite heart and patience. He never raised his voice at me. I didn’t realize it before, but now I wonder how could a teenager raised a child himself with that much maturity.”

“What’s his name?”

“That’s two questions,” Sungyeol suddenly realized that they were in the middle of a game. “His name is Jang Dongwoo. And now my turn, two questions. Do you only wear black? Is that standard uniform or something?”

“That’s also two questions,” L caught him off guard, smirking. Sungyeol groaned, “Shit, I didn’t mean that.”

“The answers are no and no. I don’t always wear black, though I prefer it. And no, black is not my standard uniform," L paused for a while. "The ring has letters, S and D. Is D for Dongwoo and S for you?”

“No, it is S for Sunggyu. My brother’s fiancée. Also my chief of surgeon in the hospital. Since Dongwoo Hyung died, he took over the role of big brother for me, although nobody asked him to, including me. My turn. Why did you ran away from the hospital the first time?”

“I had something to do and I ran out of time,” L said. “Does Sunggyu live with you?”

“Thank God, no,” Sungyeol scrunched his nose, imagining living with Sunggyu. “Who stitched you up that night when you reopen the wound?”

“My friend.”

“You have a friend? And why do you always answer my questions with one liner answer?” Sungyeol protested.

“You’ve asked nine questions. You have one question left.”

“Fuck you.”

“Oh, you’re asking to fuck me?”

“Geez. You’re so weird. Are you even human?”

Sungyeol didn't mean that question to be offensive, but L must have took it as one because his tone was both angry and defensive when he said the next word.

“Well then what do you think I am? A fucking monster?”

“What?" Sungyeol was half surprised and half amused. "Fucking monster? Ew, that’s creepy. Fucking monster.”

“You’re so dumb.”  
-

 

 

Before Sungyeol knew it, L made visit (or break in, more like) to Sungyeol's house a daily activity. Sungyeol, in turn made Ten Questions their daily activity as well. Sungyeol wondered how L could totally act as if he co-owned this house with Sungyeol. He drank the milk in the refrigerator, ate the cereal in the pantry cupboard, ordered food when they ran out of cereal, and generally added the mess in Sungyeol's apartment.

"Stop making mess in my house!" Sungyeol nudged him with his foot. They had just finished a box of chicken and a bottle of cola. There were only two sad and lonely chicken wings in the box now and L had accidentally kicked the empty bottle away under the couch.

"Please," L teased him. "It won't make any difference."

"How about you make your visit useful and worthwhile by helping me cleaning out this place?"

"I'm useful enough," L said. "I'm keeping you company. If I'm not here, you must have been lonely."

"I'm not lonely," Sungyeol jabbed L's waist with his elbow.

"Ouch! You are so bony!" L whined and he rolled himself, ready to counter attack.

"I'm just discharged! You can't attack me!" Sungyeol shrieked. 

"That's not fair!" L frowned. To know that L could say such childish words made Sungyeol laugh.

"What?" L pouted next.

"Nothing," Sungyeol said, smirking. 

"Whaaat?"

"I'm just thinking," Sungyeol said. "That you're very cute."

L was dumbfounded for a seconds, before he finally guffawed in laughter. "Cute? You think I'm cute? That's absurd!"

"What is absurd about it?" Sungyeol asked. "Have you never looked at the mirror?"

"Of course I have," L said. "But I don't think I'm that handsome."

Sungyeol's jaw dropped. "Are you kidding me? Don't women line up to you offering themselves to bear your baby? Or men hitting on you? Come on, you must have heard that you're handsome from many people?"

L shrugged. "I don't really meet many people." 

"Well, now who is the lonely one? I think you come here to ease your loneliness instead of mine," Sungyeol teased him back.

"You're still lonelier," L retaliated. "Look, you've been home three days and nobody visits you yet!"  
Hey, that was true, suddenly Sungyeol realized. Sunggyu called him every day but he couldn't visit because he was so busy. But Woohyun? Hoya? Where were them?

Not that Sungyeol missed them. In fact, he had enough of them from the hospital. Also, truthfully, he kind of forgot them because L had filled his day with his presence. 

But they should've came so Sungyeol could flaunt his social life (sad social life actually, considering it only consisted of Woohyun and Hoya) to L.

They said be careful of what you wish for. Sungyeol experienced the wisdom of that first hand when suddenly the front door opened and Woohyun's voice filled the room.

"Sungyeoool sorry we took so long to visit you!" there were sound like people kicking their shoes away in the entrance. 

Sungyeol looked at L in horror. "Vanish," he whispered.

"What? Vanish? How can I vanish?"

"You always vanish before, you know how!"

L didn't have time to answer as he bit his chopstick and crawled behind the sofa, right when Hoya and Woohyun barged to the living room. 

"Look, we brought chicken. Hey, you just bought a chicken too! You finished the whole box alone?"

"Yes," Sungyeol lied. "I'm very hungry. How do you know my passcode?"

"Sunggyu Hyung told us, he sent us here to make sure you are still alive," Hoya said, plopping himself on the carpet. "Anyway, it's good that you have eaten. It means Woohyun and I can eat this chicken just the two of us."

"Do you think my place is a restaurant?" Sungyeol sent both of them a dirty look. 

"No," Hoya replied, already munching on a drumstick. "No restaurant is this dirty."

"Seriously," Woohyun added, picking an empty coffee drink bottle from the floor. "Have you never cleaned before, Sungyeol?"

He proceeded to pick up many trashes on the floor, ignoring Hoya's protest to sit down with him and eat together. 

"Look at him," he said to Hoya. "He is a much better friend than you. Hyung, can you clean the space behind the couch? I throw all my empty bottle and boxes there all the time."

And then he stopped in horror as he realized his mistake. "On second thought, you are my guest, you shouldn't be cleaning my house. Here Hyung, sit here next to Hoya and eat your chicken. Oh, Dongwoo Hyung would be so disappointed if he knows this is how I treat my guest,” he guided Woohyun to sit on the carpet.

"Huh?" Woohyun asked, confused by the sudden change of mind.

"Also, I think I'm tired already. I've just eaten my medicine so I'm kind of sleepy. You've seen me alive and well, you can tell Sunggyu Hyung. Oh and tell him that I hate him for giving away my passcode. Here, take your chicken with you, I'll even add these two chicken wings from my box. Now, go away," he closed the chicken box and dragged his two friends outside. The moment he slammed the door behind them, he changed his password and then ran to the living room. L had already sat down on the couch.

"You're so stupid," he gave Sungyeol a dirty look.

"Well, I'm sorry I don't expect your vanishing trick to be crawling behind the couch. Is that how you escape from my ICU that night?" Sungyeol glared back.

"Of course not. The hospital is big with many opening. Here I can't find any extra nook and cranny to fold myself."

"Are you saying that my house is small?"

"Yes," L said. "But it is well protected."

"How?" Sungyeol asked confusedly.

"Because I'm inside," L grinned. "I'm just messing with you. Do you think I'll let him see me even if he looked behind the couch? You should've trusted me."

"Can you really do that? Teach me!" Sungyeol shouted, feeling very excited.

"Only if you kiss me," L winked.

"Don't regret that," Sungyeol smirked.  
-

 

 

They were sort of becoming friend after that. 

(You don't kiss friend, his brain helpfully reminded him. That's why I said sort of friend, Sungyeol responded.)

They moved too fast, according to Sungyeol, for someone whose real name Sungyeol didn't know.

"It's a more common name than you probably think," that's how L answered when Sungyeol asked him.

So, he broke the kiss last time too quickly. Sometimes he pat himself on the back for that, sometimes he kicked his blanket at night for that.

No, Sungyeol. He is a killer. He reminded himself.

But L was nothing but a cute, fluffy, touchy kitty when they spent the whole week in Sungyeol's apartment. Maybe Sungyeol was getting used to that man, because he no longer found L's aura intimidating. L could pout, sulk, tease, blush, and even fart. He was as human as Sungyeol and it was dangerous, because he found himself getting curious and intrigued for human L as much as he got for mysterious L the previous weeks.  
-

 

 

Was he right for hiding L from his friends? Was he right for not telling even Sunggyu about L? But how should he introduce L? 

He can't even say "Hyung, this is L, my friend." because the follow up question would be "L? What is his real name?" and even Sungyeol didn't have an answer for that.

(He never asked L's opinion about meeting Sungyeol's friend. Somehow, like that time in the hospital when he never scream or push the call button, he felt like L could vanish the moment he asked that. The kind of vanish he pulled in the hospital and the alley.)

(Another question he could never bring himself to ask is "Beside that man in the alley, have you killed other people as well?" Sungyeol already knew the answer from watching L that night, but he was still afraid to hear the answer from L.)  
-

 

 

“Tell me about your brother,” L said when Sungyeol was lying on the sofa, watching some random drama in the TV. 

“Are we starting?” Sungyeol asked, not even bothered that L had once again breaking into his home.

“Starting what?” L asked, confused. Despite that, he already got one hand deep into a jar or mixed nuts Sungyeol brought yesterday from Woohyun, who got it from one of the nurses who was doing multi level marketing.

“Ten Questions,” Sungyeol said.

“Well if you want to call it so,” L shrugged. “I just want to get to know you better.”

“You’re really unlucky, L,” Sungyeol said. 

“Why?” L felt accused, his eyes widens comically. “What did I do wrong?”

“You’re unlucky because you don’t get to meet Dongwoo Hyung,” Sungyeol said, his voice softening, as it always does whenever he is talking about Dongwoo.

L smiled in understanding.

“He’s that kind, huh?”

“Like an angel,” Sungyeol said. “Or even better. He’s like my mother, father, Hyung, best friend and teacher rolled into one. Nobody loved me as much as Dongwoo Hyung did, and it went both ways.”

“He must be a great person,” L nodded.

Sungyeol got up from his position and ran to his room for a moment, retrieving a photo album. Why would he share such a personal belonging to a potential serial killer he only knew for two weeks was beyond his common sense as well, but L had been genuinely interested in Dongwoo and that made Sungyeol liked him more.

“Look,” he opened the album. “This is him.”

There were him, Dongwoo, and Sunggyu in the album. They were happily playing basketball in the neighborhood park. Sungyeol looked smug; he remembered that he won that day. Dongwoo was laughing with joy, and Sunggyu looked sulky but the corner of his mouth lifted up.

“He always laughed that wide,” Sungyeol traced his finger on Dongwoo’s face. “When he laughed, it was as if he wanted to swallow the whole world. Sunggyu Hyung and I teased him a lot about it, but we actually loved hearing him laugh more than anything in the world.

He flipped to the next page, where they were spending a summer in a cabin wood near some lake. 

“Ah, this was when we celebrated Christmas. Dongwoo Hyung even brought a pine tree home! I didn’t know where in the world he could get that tree from, we couldn’t even afford the decoration, he wouldn’t tell me.”

“You decorated it pretty well,” L said. 

“We made them ourselves,” Sungyeol said proudly. “We bought ping pong balls and wrapped them with shiny paper.”

He flipped to the next page. “This is Seollal with Sunggyu’s parents. This is me graduating from junior high school and this is both Sunggyu and Dongwoo’s high school graduation.

“Is this family dinner?” L pointed at a photo in the corner.

“That’s when we celebrated Sunggyu Hyung’s admission to med school in Kyunghee. It was a grand celebration,” Sungyeol explained, and flipped several pages. “We did it again to celebrate my admission to medical school.”

"Kyunghee as well?"

"Yeah," Sungyeol said. "Sunggyu had brainwashed me to choose the same school. Now he is both my Hyung and my sunbae," Sungyeol grimaced.

They arrived at another pages of the album.

“This is my favorite,” Sungyeol smiled fondly over the photos. “This is Dongwoo and Sunggyu’s engagement party. Look at the rings, they are similar with the one you returned to me.”

“Woohyun and Hoya were also there,” L pointed out.

“They were. We became friends through medical school,” Sungyeol told him. 

L flipped another page and found out that it was empty.

“You didn’t put any newer picture here?” L asked him. Sungyeol was crestfallen for a moment.

“There is no newer picture,” he said sadly. “He died a week after the engagement.” 

L stopped flipping the pages, looking at him with eyes widened in surprised.

“I’m – I’m sorry,” he said.

“No need to apologize,” Sungyeol brushed him off. “You don’t know.”

“Let’s look at another album instead,” L suggested. “The one before this one.”

That only made Sungyeol more crestfallen. A painful memory of the past rushed and he took a sharp intake of breath to calm himself.

“Sungyeol?”

“Sorry,” he muttered. “It’s just… there isn’t any other album other than that. I don’t take photos during my childhood.”

“Why is that?” L closed the album and gave him full attention.

Sungyeol wondered if it was okay to share this with L. This was not a secret, but also wasn’t something he wanted other people to know. 

“It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me,” L read his mind and reached for his hands, squeezing him.

“It’s okay,” Sungyeol decided. “If you want to know, I’ll tell you.”

L nodded.

“I've told you that we were orphan – Dongwoo Hyung and I. We were raised in an orphanage, until one day a couple adopted us. The orphanage did shit with the screening, and turned out that this couple only wanted us for the social fund. They abused us – hit us, slap us, kick us – things like that. After Dongwoo Hyung turned seventeen, we ran away from them and started living with Sunggyu,” Sungyeol ended his explanation. “That’s why there was no photo of our childhood.”

A hand suddenly pulled him and he was enveloped with L. The other hugged him so tight Sungyeol felt like he was trying to melt them together. But it was a welcomed hug, it even reminded him of Dongwoo’s hug back then.

“You shouldn’t have told me this, Sungyeol,” L whispered, his voice shaking. Out of what, Sungyeol didn’t know.

“It’s okay, I don’t mind you knowing.”

“No, not because of that,” L shook his head. “Because that couple will pay for what they did to you. I’ll hurt them the way they hurt you.”

And L was no longer the sweet and annoying little kitten that barged into Sungyeol's apartment to do harmless thing like stealing food and making mess. This was L the killer. This was L who stood in the dark alley, killed Sungyeol’s assaulter with one simple stab, and left without police even noticing his presence.

It didn’t make him afraid. In fact, he never felt safer than at this moment, in a professional killer’s arms, ever since Dongwoo had died.

“Don’t,” he whispered hoarsely.

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t look for them,” Sungyeol shook his head. “It was a long time ago. I even forgot their names, or their faces.”

L didn’t answer.

“Promise me, L.”

There was a stretching silence until L whispered, “I promise.”

Sungyeol buried himself closer to L. 

“Next time someone hurt you, think carefully Sungyeol, whether you want to tell me or not,” L said. “Because if I ever know that someone hurt you ever again, I’ll kill him.”  
-

 

 

Sungyeol let L into his bed that night.

He traced his lips on L’s hard muscles and ran his fingers on the well sculpted chest and abdomen. How strong could this man be? He slid his hands down the arms until their hands met and he laced their fingers together. How many life had he take with this hand?

Yet, Sungyeol thought, it didn’t feel like a killer’s body. It felt like someone who could protect him, it felt like someone who would get angry when he was hurt.

It felt like someone who Sungyeol wanted to love.

 

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

 

 

 

 

 

When Sungyeol was finally back to the hospital, he was greeted with a weird sight of Hoya and Woohyun avoiding each other instead of trying to attach each other on their own hips.

“What happened?” he asked with eyebrows raised to Eunji. The latter was currently dumping several cases she was currently handling to Sungyeol.

“You know Mir from Shinhwa Hospital?” Eunji answered, not even looking at Sungyeol’s eyes as she sorted through her charts.

“The one who’s after Woohyun’s ass?” Sungyeol said, eyeing his senior talking to a nurse about something, his mouth smiled charmingly. Sungyeol had to admit (although would never out loud) that Woohyun was indeed handsome.

“Yes, so one night they met at a bar, he flirted, and Woohyun flirted back, and Hoya happened to pass by,” Eunji supplied.

 “That moron just never learned that flirting isn’t the only way to show affection, did he?” Sungyeol shook his head. “Was Hoya offended by that? He should know that Woohyun flirted with everything that moves, but they were all platonic. Like it’s his way to show affection – he’s messed up like that.”

“Oh, he turned hell over for that. Except in a very passive-aggressive way, which pushed all the wrong button in Woohyun.”

“Hoya did passive-aggressive? Since when Hoya did passive-aggressive?” Sungyeol demanded. Passive-aggressive was more of Woohyun’s choice of weapon. But Hoya?

“Since Woohyun. You didn’t notice? Hoya could never be red hot angry to Woohyun, so he settled with passive-aggressive.”

“Those two dumbasses,” Sungyeol growled because of the ridiculousness of the situation. “I’ll lock the two of them in a morgue tonight, until tomorrow morning.”

Sungyeol admitted that he was rather invested with the two’s relationship. Two people in love made him happy, they reminded him of Sunggyu and Dongwoo. But Sunggyu and Dongwoo failed, and Sungyeol was kinda determined not to fail this one.

“Before that, do your round,” Eunji dumped her finally sorted chart on Sungyeol’s unsuspecting hand, making him losing balance a little.

-

 

 

His plan to knock some sense into Woohyun was postponed again even after his round.

He was lining up in the cafeteria, waiting for his turn to take the bibimbab on the serving table when he spotted Woohyun standing in front of the entrance. He was just standing there, in a weird way, as if he wasn’t sure why he was here, as if he had lost his mind.

Sungyeol gave his tray to someone behind him before leaving the line, approaching the older man. Something was wrong.

“Hyung,” he called softly, touching the other’s shoulders. Sungyeol could feel him trembling a little.

“Yeol,” the elder looked at him, still not fully there.

“What’s wrong?” Sungyeol asked slowly, his voice almost a whisper. Woohyun blinked, eyes unfocused, until he found Sungyeol.

“Aera died on me,” he said it so softly Sungyeol almost didn’t hear him. When he did, he felt like his heart stopped breathing for a second.

“Oh, Hyung.”

He said nothing more, and instead pulled the elder into his embrace. There wasn’t any word that can give comfort for a doctor who just had another life taken from his hand. Sungyeol himself had lost a lot of life, and he assured that there was nothing other people can offer except a hug.

For the umpteenth time Sungyeol was thankful he chose trauma and not pediatric. Losing a man was hard. Losing a child was five times that hard.

And Aera was that special patient for Woohyun. They got that kind of patient, once in a while. Patient they fell in love with, patient they swore to save even if it means they had to bend rules and fight authority. Maybe like L for Sungyeol.

Aera came with a cancer on her tiny brain cell. Their hospital rejected her at first, claiming they have no resources or capabilities to save the toddler. That was true, because none of the hospital in this world had. Woohyun threw himself on his knees until the board relented and let him try for Aera. It was six months of struggling for both the hospital and the patient.

 Sungyeol couldn’t imagine how he would feel if L died on him.

He didn’t want to imagine it.

So he decided that Hoya could wait tomorrow. Today, what Woohyun needed was a friend, not a crush with misunderstanding. He kept his eyes on the older man for the rest of their shift in the afternoon, but Woohyun was a professional and he didn’t let his grief affecting his work. Sungyeol looked around for Hoya, wondering if he had heard about the news on Aera and if he had, why didn’t he come to Woohyun yet?

When the night came and they’re off their shift, Sungyeol dragged Woohyun to the bar. There was this cute little bar, D’Cube, near their hospital. The name was lame and so was the place, but it was close and the price was reasonable. Plus, lame name and place means the bar was free from teenager, so it was pretty popular for the hospital staffs.

He made sure Woohyun wore his shirt right and didn’t have any weird stain on his pants. He held his hands when they cross the street. He picked a seat for Woohyun and left him to order drinks for both of them.

When he was about to return to their seat, he saw Hoya on the door, panting, eyes darting wildly from one corner to another, and Sungyeol knew that his part was over.

“Here,” he approached the buff orthopedic surgeon, giving the drink he had ordered for Woohyun.

“I only heard about Aera this evening… where is he?” Hoya demanded as he accepted the glass.

“He’s sitting next to the piano,” Sungyeol pointed.

“Thanks,” Hoya said before darting to the said location.

“Hoya! Do it right!” he cheered his friend up.

Standing alone in the middle of the bar made him feel stupid, but still, he was glad for his friends. He decided to sit back at the bar stool, carefully sipping his drinks and once in a while glancing to Hoya and Woohyun’s seat to make sure they were okay.

(They were more than okay, because Woohyun had his body pressed closely to Hoya’s, his head on his shoulder, as the orthopedic put a steady hand on his back, while another hand was caressing Woohyun’s hair tenderly)

Sungyeol suddenly thought of L, wondering if the secret agent was waiting for him at home or not. Now that he was sure Woohyun and Hoya would be fine, he wanted to go home as fast as possible.

He was gulping the last of his cocktail when someone sat on the empty stool next to him and said to the bartender, “give the man his second glass.”

He looked up and saw the most beautiful man he had ever seen in this world (okay, the second most beautiful man, but only because L already got that title).

“Thank you,” Sungyeol said genuinely, but also quickly added. “But I think I’m done for the night.”

The pretty man didn’t show any disappointment. Instead he looked amused. “Why? You got someone waiting at home?”

“Uh…” Sungyeol said. The question made him think of L again.

“I hope you’d stay for one more drink,” the man smiled amicably.  “It’ll be an honor to be accompanied by someone as handsome as you.”

“Thank you for your compliment, but I’m not interested,” Sungyeol said, standing up from his stool.

“Not interested for what?” the man asked. Sungyeol noticed that actually the man was not trying to seduce him. It lacked the lust and desire he usually heard from everybody who approached him in a bar, and it made him loosened his guard a little.

“One night stand,” Sungyeol explained. “I thought I should let you know, I don’t want to disappoint you. But if you insist, instead of buying me my second glass, you can pay for my first glass instead.”

The man laughed.

“You’re really interesting,” he said. “What if I just want a company? Are you interested in that?”

“Well, if it’s all that you want,” Sungyeol thought about it for a minute before answering. He liked talking to people anyway. “As long as you don’t take too long.”

“Alright then, I won’t push my luck,” the man smiled again. He didn’t flirt to Sungyeol intentionally, but he was so good looking that Sungyeol felt his cheek reddened.

“You can start with your name,” Sungyeol said after clearing his throat a little.

“I’m Lee Sungjong,” the man said, lifting his glass as a substitute for handshake.

“I’m Lee –“

“Sungyeol,” the man smiled. “Dr. Lee Sungyeol from Korea Hospital. I recognized you.”

“Really?” Sungyeol didn’t know whether to smile or not. The last time someone recognized him as Dr. Lee Sungyeol outside the hospital, he had to be hospitalized for days.

“I followed your case,” Sungjong said cheerily, not noticing Sungyeol’s sudden internal conflict. “How are you? You stopped appearing on newspaper a week after the Mayor’s death, after announcing that you will stay in the hospital because you did nothing wrong. Imagine how surprised I was when I read that you were assaulted.”

Again, Sungyeol wondered if he should be worried, but he answered anyway. “I’m fine, now. Like you’ve read in the newspaper, I’m still allowed to stay in my hospital, although my seniors told me to forget about promotion. They also told me to get very very rich, in case I want to start a research one day, because I’ll need to sponsor myself.”

“That must be terrible,” Sungjong said, not without genuineness. Once again, Sungyeol thought that probably this man was not bad, just curious. “Do you ever regret your action, Doctor?”

Sungyeol looked up, a little bit surprised. “What?”

“Of saving that mysterious man – oh come on, everybody knows about that – over the city’s Mayor.”

Sungyeol looked at Sungjong seriously. “You know, before I answer that I have to know which side are you on. You should understand, considering my history with the Mayor’s fan.”

Sungjong laughed, “I’m on the side of justice, Doctor.”

Sungyeol thought he was kidding. “Are you playing with me?”

“No!” Sungjong quickly said as he raised his hands – to defend himself, to pacify Sungyeol, Sungyeol wasn’t sure. He wasn’t good with implicit thing. “I was just saying that because I’m a junior lawyer  in the law firm next to your hospital. I’m interested in your case, professionally – that is.”

That reassured Sungyeol a little. Knowing that a person had a place where you can confirm his identity was good. He had enough one mystery man with one little L and didn’t need any more.

“You should say that sooner,” Sungyeol let himself relaxed a little. “All these time I had to be careful before answering, not sure whether someone asking was the mayor’s fanatic supporter or just some curious passerby.”

“That must be quite traumatic for you,” Sungjong said in sympathy. Sungyeol nodded.

“Anyway, to answer that question, no. I don’t regret it. I didn’t have much time to think about it before. I just did what I thought right. But even after I thought about it for a long time, if I had to do the same thing, I would still repeat what I did. Because I did the right thing.”                                                                                                                    

“I wonder why do you think you did the right thing?” Sungjong eyed him, intense. Sungyoel felt his face hardened.

“Then do you think I was wrong for not prioritizing the Mayor? The Mayor came later, and that was a fact. He was a mayor, but that didn’t make his life worth more than the other patients,” he said, raising his voice unintentionally. He finished his drink in one gulp.

“Thanks for the drink. I think I’m done for the night,” he glanced at Woohyun and Hoya. They were still in their own little world, so he decided not to bother them and went straight out of the bar.

Sungjong, unexpectedly, followed him.

“Hey, Sungyeol, wait!”

Sungyeol didn’t look back but he slowed his pace. Sungjong matched him easily.

“Thank you,” the man said, quite unexpectedly.

“For what?” Sungyeol was confused.

“For the talk. You answered a lot of questions from me.

“What?” Sungyeol  wasn’t sure how to respond.

“And I just want to let you know, you don’t have to worry anymore about the Mayor’s fan,” he winked before walking away.

Sungyeol blinked. What was _that_?

-

 

 

“I saw you last night, Lee Sungyeol! Who was that pretty man who took you home?” Woohyun shouted to him, from across the room, and currently there were some residents and even interns as well inside their break room. Sungyeol would so kill him.

“Nobody took me home!” he spat, spraying some crumbs to poor Minjoonie, his resident.

“I beg to disagree, two eyes saw you yesterday being picked up by one poor oblivious soul. One of the witness is a man of high integrity and the other is a man who would never lie.”

“Pray tell me who the two are, Woohyun, because I don’t recall either you or Hoya qualifies for that description,” Sungyeol said dryly.

“You’re avoiding the question,” Chorong pointed out. “So did you meet a cute man last night or not?”

“I did,” Sungyeol snarled. “But he didn’t take me home. He was just a lawyer and was interested in my case.”

“Ooooh a cute lawyer?” Namjoo squealed. “There are cute lawyers hanging around in D’Cube?”

“One cute lawyer,” Sungyeol corrected.

“What was a lawyer doing in D’Cube?” Chorong scoffed.

“What’s his name, Sungyeol-ah?” Namjoo ignored her and asked Sungjong.

“Lee Sungjong, he said. He works next door.”

“That’s very convenient! Will you start having lunch together?”

“Of course not.”

“Then can I take a peek on him?”

“If you can find him. He is one man among hundreds who work in that building, Namjoo.”

“No problem, Namjoo. Hoya and I will assist you in finding this man. We’re curious on why he pick Sungyeol’s flat ass of all people.”

Speaking of Woohyun and Hoya, the two today was 180 degree changed from yesterday. They danced around each other again, but this time without the fucking obliviousness that made the whole hospital doctors, nurses and staffs wanted to bang their heads on the nearest flat surface available.

“Did you two finally confess to each other and kiss?” he asked curiously to Woohyun on their way to the patient’s ward. Unlike what people like to think (and unlike Woohyun too, by the way), he actually had the decency to ask something private _in private_.

Woohyun blushed and opened his mouth, but before he answered someone cut from behind.

“Oh, he got more than kiss, I’m sure,” Sunggyu overheard their conversation and invited himself in. “He wears a freshly shagged face today.”

“Oh, wow,” Sungyeol said, because he didn’t notice that. “Really?”

“You couldn’t tell, could you?”

Sungyeol shook his head, more surprised at this fact than the fact that Woohyun and Hoya were finally dating.

“I think it’s been too long since I date someone,” he thoughtfully said to himself.

“Then maybe you should give the cute lawyer a shot,” Woohyun pat his shoulder.

“What cute lawyer?” Sunggyu interrupted them once again. Sungyeol groaned, this just got blown out of proportion and it was all Woohyun’s fault. He would make a good journalist, that one. His talent for drama was wasted in the operating room.

“There was this cute lawyer who bought Sungyeol a drink last night in the bar,” Woohyun babbled. “Sungyeol said he didn’t take him home but Hoya and I saw them getting out of the bar together.”

“The bar. You mean D’Cube right?”

“Where else?” Woohyun scoffed.

“There is a cute lawyer there?”

“That’s what I said.”

“That’s absurd.”

“What’s more absurd was him taking Sungyeol out.”

“Geez, I hope your kids pee on you a lot today Woohyun,” Sungyeol stomped out, leaving them on the corridor as he entered the first room. Jisoo and Hongbin was already there, looking especially relieved when Sungyeol announced his presence. Hm, Sungyeol should train them not to think of patient as somehing uncomfortable.

“Good Morning, Mrs. Sung. My name’s Lee Sungyeol and from now on I will be your doctor,” he greeted the old lady lying on the bed. "Hongbin, can you tell me about her?"

“This lady was beaten several times,” Hongbin answered. Indeed Sungyeol could see bruises in various colors all over her skin. Her hand, stomach, her legs, as well as her face. "The most severe part would be the crushed toes on her left foot. She was scheduled to get a surgery this afternoon with you.

Sungyeol, however, had another question formed in his mind. He pursed his lips seeing the bruises in the old lady's. It reminded him of his past.

“Who did this to you, Mrs. Sung?”

"Nobody did, Dr. Lee," Mrs. Sung answered weakly. "This is just me being clumsy. I tripped on my own feet a lot, and fell from the stair the day before yesterday as well."

Sungyeol couldn't believe her statement at all. He knew what bruises from falling and from abuse look like. He didn't show it however. 

At that time, another old lady that accompanied the poor Mrs. Sung spoke for the first time. 

“Her husband did,” she said with bitter contempt in her voice. Mrs. Sung became frantic when he heard about his husband.

“Bongsun-ah, what are you talking about?" Mrs. Sung looked at the other in disbelief. "Of course my husband didn’t do it, Doctor. I fell.”

“Unnie!.”

“Doctor Lee, believe me. It's not like what you think,” Mrs. Sung pleaded. "You believe me, right?"

"I believe you, Maam," Sungyeol answered softly. "I really don't mean to be bad, but according to law, we are obligated to tell the police about this, Maam. If it isn't your husband, then you should't worry about it. Please rest some more, we'll meet at the operating room in three hours."

Mrs. Sung still looked unsure, but she couldn't do anything so she ended up nodding anyway. Sungyeol bid his goodbye and left the room.

 

“Doctor, wait!” Sungyeol turned around to see Mrs. Sung's companion - the lady called Bongsun - approaching him.

"Can I help you, Maam?" he asked politely.

“I just want to know how severe Unnie's wound is.”

Sungyeol tried to relax his expression. “It’s quite severe, Maam. That's why we prepared the surgery.”

“I know his husband did it,” Mrs. Bongsun said with gritted teeth.

“Did you see it, Maam?” Sungyeol asked patiently.

“I didn’t need to see it to know,” the woman said harshly. “His husband is a criminal. He killed people once, his neighbors. I told Unnie to leave him. She refused. I knew that one day she’ll be killed by her own husband. I should’ve forced them to divorce.”

“I’ll report the domestic violence suspicion to the police,” Sungyeol promised. “I can’t promise to capture his husband, but I’ll do my best to heal her.”

-

 

 

He was already exhausted at lunch that he didn’t even reacted seeing Hoya and Woohyun feed each other on the _cafeteria_. The other doctors and staffs were happy for them to be together, but by lunch they all hoped they’d realize that this is hospital and not their private residence. The rest of them kind of avoiding the loverbirds, because they did gross things to each other so often.

“This is gross,” Woohyun muttered as he shoved a soggy lettuce on his mouth. “Who the hell thought chicken salad was adequate menu for a hospital cafeteria? What are we? An idol trainee or something?”

“Chicken salad is alright,” Hoya said patiently, but then added quickly, “if you’re the one who made it. That is.”

“Do you want me to make it for you? Tomorrow?” Woohyun asked.

“I’d love to,” Hoya smiled.

 Sungyeol, much to the confusion of the other doctors and nurses, didn't avoid them, because they were kind of friend since a long time, and he was used to be the third wheel in their relationship.

Plus, he was kind of distracted today with Mrs. Sung's case. It had hit a little bit close to whom Sungyeol was trying to get close with this days.

_His husband is a criminal. He killed people once._

Yesterday, Minjoon had brought him the scan result for Mrs. Sung. Sungyeol knew that it was abuse. She was hit with blunt object. Enough to bruise, but not that damaging. 

But why did Mrs. Sung shielded his husband? Was she too blinded by love to realize that his husband was wrong?

 

 _L is not a criminal,_ he convinced himself in his mind. _He's a secret agent._  

L killed people, yes. But he never did it again after Sungyeol's assaulter. 

 _Are you sure?_ _Do you know where he was last night, when he wasn't at home?_

“Yeol?” suddenly Woohyun was waving his hand in front of his face.

“W – what?” Sungyeol flinched away.

“Something’s wrong? You seem distracted.”

“No, just my patient before…” Sungyeol trailed, hoping that his friends satisfied with his answer.

Thankfully, they did.

“You should relax, Sungyeol-ah. When it’s time to rest you gotta rest,” Woohyun pointed out, offering him a piece of chicken. 

“What about the cute lawyer yesterday?” Howon asked, munching on a lettuce.

“What about him?”

“I’ll try to find his number for you,” Hoya winked. “I’ve contacted my high school friend who works there.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Sungyeol said. He didn't care at all about Sungjong.

“I can't believe I'd see the day where you're having a love life, Sungyeol-ah,” Woohyun teased. "Ah, what a beautiful life."

He was torn between telling them about L or keeping him for himself. If he told them, would they be like Mrs. Bongsung, who would warned him to cut his relationship with L if they found out about his job?

“Shut up, Hyung. My love life is not your business.”

 -

 

 

He had thought about the whole relationship thing a little bit too far.

He and L wasn't mean to last for long. It was just a fling, Sungyeol said. Because L was mysterious and intriguing, and L himself was probably having some kind of twisted hero-worship for Sungyeol because he had saved him back then. Right?

No, he didn't envy Woohyun and Hoya, who could date in front of hundreds other people in cafetaria. No, he wasn't worried that he'd be like Mrs. Sung, because him and L wouldn't last long anyway. 

And L was different. Sungyeol couldn't imagine L hurting him at all. L was... kind. L was... a good person.

Still, when he found L in his kitchen that night, he pulled the secret agent outside.

"Yeol? Where are we going?" L asked confusedly as Sungyeol's apartment door closing behind them.

"We're going to a proper date," Sungyeol said determinedly.

"Looking like this?" L complained. "I'm wearing a training pants!"

"Don't be such a girl," Sungyeol told him. "We're just going to have coffee in the ground floor."

-

 

 

"Okay, here we are," Sungyeol stopped in front of the counter. "What do you want to order?"

"Double shot espresso," L said. “No need to add anything. I take my coffee black."

"What do I even expect," Sungyeol said dryly. "You could do with something sweeter, so you won't be insufferable all the time."

"Am I not sweet enough, Baby?" L leaned and slurred in his ears. It was unexpected and Sungyeol blushed, hot breath and low voice dancing so close to his skin.

"Shut up!" Sungyeol punched the other, blushing even more when he realized the barista in front of him was blushing too after witnessing their exchange.

Sungyeol ordered L a caramel macchiato as punishment and a cappucino for him as a treat, because he deserved it after dealing with the other's weirdness.

"What's so special about coffee shop?" L asked, looking around them. "Why do people date in coffee shop?"

"Well, where else would they date?" Sungyeol replied, sipping his coffee in contentedness. "It's not special, but they have table and chairs so people date here."

"I know better place than this," L said, finally tried his macchiato. "Hm... hey! I never thought this would be yummy."

"Yummy?" Sungyeol smirked, happy to see L liking it despite it was intended to be punishment at first.

"Mmm. Tasty," L licked his lips. "Not as tasty as your lips, but close."

Sungyeol had to learn some blood control. He was thirty one, he shouldn't blush so easily. He blamed it on his demanding job and Sunggyu, because Sunggyu is responsible for everything.

"And where is the better place that you said you know?" Sungyeol changed the topic.

"In Russia," L answered. "I really want to take you there. It's freezing but there are aurora on the sky and it's gazillion better than this coffee, however tasty it is."

"You can't compare aurora with coffee" Sungyeol said. "They're completely different thing."

"Eh, they're both good things," L said. "So I can argue that they fall under the same category."

"Until I met you, I think I'm the weirdest person in this earth," Sungyeol said absentmindedly. "People would stare at me when I talked about things I like and they don't know how to reply. Now I get to understand how does it feel to be them."

"No," L pointed out. "You don't know how does it feel to be them, because you still understand what I'm saying. If you are other people, you'd left me the moment I choose yummy as my diction."

"Other people won't leave you because your yummy, L. You're too pretty for that."

"And you?"

"And me what?"

"Will you leave me over yummy?"

Sungyeol gave him the hey-look-I'm-still-here gesture. 

"Are you staying because of my face?" 

"Don't flatter yourself," Sungyeol scoffed. "I'm staying only because I haven't finished my coffee."

"Then I'd better order you a second glass, right?" L winked. He stood up and trotted to the counter before Sungyeol could even register what he meant. He was back several minutes later with a tray full of muffins.

"I thought you were ordering me another drink?" Sungyeol asked.

"I don't want to actively support your coffee addiction," L shrugged. "So I brought muffins instead."

Sungyeol wanted to protest at first but then L brought muffins and muffins were really not bad, so he swallowed his words and reached for one muffin.

"But you'll overdose me with sugar instead," Sungyeol pointed out. "Not exactly the healthy substitute."

"Since when do you care about health?" L snorted.

"Hey!" Sungyeol exclaimed. "I'm a doctor! Of course I care about health!"

"Then care to explain why the only edible food I can find your apartment is cereal?"

"I don't eat at home," Sungyeol quickly answered.

"And why do you never clean your house? When did the last time you change your bedsheet? I'm sure your house is more unhealthy than these muffins."

"Again, two completely different things. Also again, I'm a doctor, I don't have time to clean," Sungyeol argued. "But wait, did you check my bedsheet? Why did you check my bedsheet?"

-

 

 

L insisted to walk him home, despite "home" was only one elevator ride away. Sungyeol let him, because secretly he liked it.

"Last question of the day," L cheerily said as they wait for the elevator. "What will you do after you come home?"

"Shower," Sungyeol said honestly. He still felt dirty from his 24 hour shift. 

"Are we going to do ten questions every time we meet?" Sungyeol asked. He didn't mind, because he was sure he would never ran out of question about L. But, he was concerned that L would ran out of question about _him_. He wasn't half as interesting as L.

"Why?" L asked back. "I thought you like interrogating me."

"Yes, but what if you ran out of question to ask me," Sungyeol shrugged. "I'm not as interesting as you, you know?"

All of a sudden L slammed him against the elevator wall. It didn't hurt as much as it surprised him.

Myungsoo's hands were cupping his face, surprisingly gentle.

"I have 1000 more questions I haven't get to ask you. And every time you answer ome question, I watch you to see whether your answer is true. And whenever I watch you, I've got 10 more questions to ask you. Have you ever grow your hair? Why is there some piercing holes in your earlobe but none of the actual piercing? Are you allergic to metal? Where did you get it pierced? 

"I've never met someone that makes me half as curious as I am with you. I want to know everything about you, every inch of your skin and the scars on it, every expression and the story behind it. So, never think that you're not interesting ever again, okay?"

Then L kissed him, gentle and sweet. 

The elevator dinged open. L pressed the button to keep the door open and dived for one last kiss.

"Text me when you've arrived," L said as if Sungyeol's door wasn't fucking visible from their position.

Sungyeol just nodded, unable to say anything. He waved to L and crossed the corridor in three long strides. L didn't close the elevator door until Sungyeol closed his own.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

 

 

The moment the door closed behind him, Sungyeol slid himself on the floor, unable to stand up. His whole body was still tingling with the sensation when L slammed him into the lift, kissing him and whispering sweet reassurance that had made Sungyeol’s goosebump rose. Suddenly he felt like teenager again, meeting his first crush for the first time, and realizing that he was falling in love….

He was falling in love, right at this place, right at this moment, to L.

He took a moment (a very long moment, actually) to calm himself. His heart was still beating too fast, his cheeks too warm, even when he started to feel cold sitting on the floor.

But he couldn’t bring himself to smile, because right now, he was terrified.

Not to L, no. Sungyeol was terrified with his own feeling. It was thrilling before, the… mutual curiosity… between the two of them. The playful banter was fun and those times they spent knowing each other better were intimate, but there was no feeling involved, at least, not as strong as _love_.

But if it evolved into something more serious, like a real relationship, with real love between them, Sungyeol wasn’t sure he can survive this intact. It wasn’t because L could snap his neck with a mere twist of hand, but because L had held Sungyeol’s heart on his hand while Sungyeol wasn’t sure if he had the other’s on his.

Sungyeol barely knew L. Not his name, his family, his past and while Sungyeol didn’t mind not knowing those unimportant detail of L (he knew the real L anyway, the one who stayed with him for the past week, the dorky, funny, and strong man he had been lucky to know), there was one detail that he couldn’t overlook.

L was a killer.

L didn’t tell him that, but Sungyeol wasn’t stupid. L could tell Sungyeol that he was a secret agent, but Sungyeol knew that the man could and had killed people before, not one, not two, but many.

L wouldn’t hurt him, that much Sungyeol knew, and believed. But at the same time Sungyeol was a surgeon. He saved people for a living. Every day, he dealt with death to let his patient live a little bit longer.

Would he still be able to face his patient on the operation table, knowing full well that his lover could be taking other people’s life somewhere else?

-

 

He tried to forget whatever happened yesterday when the morning came. He went to the hospital, changed into his uniform, and started his round as early as possible, never mind that his residents cursed him so bad under their breath. When he finished, he even stayed in the ER, taking mindless cases such as knife cuts or other household accidents.

Hoya found him there a little before noon when he was stitching an elderly lady’s arm. She was riding a bike when a garbage truck swayed to her side, pushed her and her bike into an empty land full of thorny bushes.

“Hey, Sungyeol-ah,” Hoya called him, ignoring the lady in front of him.

“Not now, Hoya,” he said, dismissing the other. Whatever Hoya wanted to say, he could wait later after he finished with his patient.

“About that Lee Sungjong guy you met,” Hoya started, ignoring his dismissal.

“Later,” he said tiredly. The lady he was stitching was trying her best to look disinterested, but Sungyeol had seen her eyes lit up when she discovered there was a potential funny romance story from the doctor she met in the ER. Actually, he thought the rest of the room were getting quieter, suddenly the nurses and residents weren’t as chatty as several moments ago.

“You seem dispirited, what happened?” Hoya inquired, still ignoring Sungyeol’s attempt to brush him off. When Sungyeol didn’t answer, he still continued. “Anyway, I’ve asked around about your guy, but turned out that my friend in KLS had no idea that a Lee Sungjong exist in his firm.”

“I don’t care,” Sungyeol said tiredly. He was being honest. Lee Sungjong could exist or not, he had not even an ounce of care for him.

“But he is your only chance for a date,” Hoya pouted, trying to fish a better reaction from him.

“Not your business at all, Hoya,” Sungyeol said, moodily.

“Do you maybe get his name wrong? Or his firm?”

“I don’t think so. And I don’t care,” thank God he finally finished stitching the lady’s wound. He gave her a smile and called a nurse to help her checking out.

“But, Yeol –“

“Go away, Hoya,” Sungyeol suddenly hated the fact that he had no more patients to stitch up to shut Hoya up. “Go bother Sunggyu or kiss Woohyun.”

“Why are you being so moody today? Is there something wrong? Did you accidentally swallow an estrogen pill?” Hoya demanded, following him around the ER. _Does this surgeon have no patient of his own?_

When his pager rang, he felt relieved to have an excuse to escape Howon, even thought he felt slightly guilty for being happy when an emergency patient arrive. He left him in the ER while he ran outside, waiting for the ambulance to arrive.

“What do we have?” he asked Jiae who was already waiting there.

“Someone stabbed someone with a pen in the neck,” his resident explained. 

“…the hell,” Sungyeol cursed under his breath. This world was getting crazier and crazier.

The ambulance arrived shortly after and a man in early twenties was lying weakly on the stretcher, a pen protruding from his neck. Sungyeol ran along his team while checking the patient for another possible injury.

This situation reminded him of that night when he met L, except the wound in this young man’s neck wasn’t as severe as L’s back then.

He shook his head to get rid of the image of L in his mind.

The stab was amateur, even. It was probably a result from a friend’s arguments going too far. The friend who did this was strong enough to puncture a blood vessel with only a pen, but it was vena instead of artery so all Sungyeol need to do was carefully plugging out the pen, stopping the bleeding, and closing the wound after opening his airways. It was so easy and he even let Jiae and Minjoon do it while he was supervising them.

“This is not even close to kill him,” Jiae complained like it was a bad thing.

“Well, lucky that it’s not even close to that,” Minjoon protested.

“Truth is, it’s hard to make a stabbing in the neck become fatal,” Sungyeol told his residents. “Slitting throat and bursting the artery will be more effective. Thankfully, you can’t do that with a pen.”

_Unless you’re a really skilled killer_ , Sungyeol thought, remembering that night in the alley when he met L.

_Shit. No. I shouldn’t think about it anymore_.

But that was exactly the thought that kept following Sungyeol all the way from the ER to the operating room to his patients’ ward. Every time he saw a patient made it alive from a surgery, L would came into his mind, all black, pressing a blade on that patient’s throat and slit them open.

-

 

He missed his lunch by the time he was out of the ER. The cafeteria was already closed, and Sungyeol grumbled and had to keep himself full with a glass of coffee.

“Here,” Woohyun passed him an apple and a granola bar. Both aren’t Sungyeol’s type of food, but he still gratefully accepted them from the older.

“Howon told me you are being extremely annoying today,” the pediatric sat himself on one of the table in their break room, pulling out another apple from his pocket for himself.

“It’s _Howon_ who is being extremely annoying,” Sungyeol protested.

“I scolded Howon for you,” Woohyun said and Sungyeol beamed in appreciation. “I told him that he should’ve been more tactful. He could have withheld the information that the Lee Sungjong guy was deliberately lying to you because he wasn’t actually interested in you, but only because he was afraid you’d be upset. Of course he had to tell you about that first, no wonder you’re being so moody and irritable today.”

Sungyeol’s appreciation vanished in an instant. “Are you implying that Lee Sungjong rejected me by lying about his identity?” he asked in disbelief. “How dare you! It was me who rejected him at first!”

“Oh, really?” Woohyun asked. “But then you took back your rejection, realizing that you were wrong to waste such a good looking guy and you two went home together. After that, however, it was him realizing that he was wrong to waste his visual on you and finally lie to you.”

“Are you here to comfort me or to insult me?!” Sungyeol demanded, folding his hands on top of his chest.

“Both?” Woohyun grins. “But seriously, Howon says you look really down today. Tell me about it, Yeol. Trust me.”

Woohyun didn’t know how much Sungyeol wish he could tell him about L and asked his opinion about him.

“Come on, tell me whatever your problem is with this Lee Sungjong guy,” Woohyun encouraged him and suddenly Sungyeol realized just how much useful Lee Sungjong is.

“What do you think I should do to someone who hides his identity like Lee Sungjong?” he asked. “What if I really like him, but he withheld such basic information from me?”

“Oh my god, Lee Sungyeol, do you really like him?” Woohyun asked, his eyes huge and voice shrill from so much interest.

“Let’s just say I do,” Sungyeol answers.

“What’s with that vague information,” Woohyun scrunched his nose in distaste. “Well, then you obviously should get to know him better before deciding to like him or not.”

“I’ve asked him but he refused to tell me.”

“That’s weird. Didn’t you ask him why?”

Sungyeol did, but he couldn’t share the answer with Woohyun here. _To keep you safe_ , L had said. _I had many enemies as secret agent, you know._

It didn’t make Sungyeol feel safe.

He was back to do his round in the afternoon. He carefully checked his work on them, whether the treatment he had given them was effective or not. He looked at each of his patients’ wounds, wrapped in bandage or cast. He saw their scars and remembered how he struggled to save them from losing their life or body parts, but then, again, L would come into his mind, all black, pressing a blade on that patient’s throat and slit it open.

-

 

 

So Sungyeol decided.

The next time he saw L, he would tell him his decision.

-

 

 

However, Sungyeol dreaded meeting L.

He refused to go home even when his shift ended and lingered around in the hospital until he hit his maximum allowed working hours. He spent a lot of time outside too, browsing in a coffee shop or watching movie. That way, he was rarely at home and managed to avoid meeting L.

Today was the fourth day he gone without L and he was miserable, as miserable as a thirsty man on a floating boat without fresh water. He was the man and L was the sea. He should hold himself from ever drinking that sea water, because it would just make him thirstier. The question was, would Sungyeol be able to endure his thirst? Sometimes he just wanted to throw himself to that sea.

But he got to survive, so instead of going home, that day he chose to watch Eunji and Woohyun performed a heart transplant for a ten year old kid. The observation room was not crowded, but not empty either. It wasn’t hard to avoid meeting L in the hospital. Sungyeol just had to make sure he was surrounded by people.

The heart was now placed safely on the kid’s chest when Minjoon suddenly blasted the observation room open.

“Dr. Lee, you’re here!” his smartest resident exclaimed. “Someone’s waiting for you in the lobby.”

“Who?” Sungyeol frowned; he didn’t remember making any appointment with any of his patient.

“I don’t know, but he’s handsome,” Minjoon winked.

That broke the whole observation room into a chaos.

“Is that the cute lawyer people are talking about?” Soul, the usually quiet resident – Hoya’s – suddenly squealed in excitement.

“Is he picking Dr. Lee up?” another voice exclaimed.

“I _need_ to see him,” some others joined.

They must be so loud that their voices carried over to the operating room. The intercom buzzed and soon Eunji’s voice was carried across the room, shouting in anger.

“Can you dunderheads be silent? With that volume even my father in Busan can hear you! Be silent or go away!”

It was easy choice for the interns. While Woohyun and Eunji were probably the best – respectively – pediatric and cardio surgeon in their hospital, the surgery itself was not rare. Meanwhile, a cute guy picking up their (rumored) virgin 31 year old trauma surgeon? That was once in a lifetime!

Sungyeol got out of the observation room and headed to the lobby, expecting Lee Sungjong. He didn’t know why the cute lawyer even came here, considering Sungyeol already rejected him that night they met. Maybe he took Sungyeol’s words seriously and wanted to make an effort in a relationship?

He was thinking about what he should say to the other if it was indeed the case when he saw who was waiting for him.

It wasn’t Sungjong. Instead, it was L, looking so effortlessly handsome while he sat on a bench. He didn’t even wear black (he wore grey, which was definitely not black. And he even looked so good in it).

When he heard the commotion Sungyeol brought with him, he looked up, and upon meeting Sungyeol’s gaze, he cracked a smile so little but so perfect and it made Sungyeol kind of want to cry.

Was it really only four days since the last time he saw the other? It felt four weeks instead. Sungyeol wanted to run to the other and embraced him.

But he reminded himself that he shouldn’t.

Instead, he sent the residents and interns away with a threat on ER duty tomorrow. The sight of them running away calmed him a little, preparing him to face the man that made him felt like his heart torn into two. He looked back to L, the other was still smiling at him.

He swallowed his uneasiness and managed to give a little smile back (although nowhere near as beautiful).

"What are you doing?" he asked softly when his feet finally found some strength to approach the other.

L didn't stand up, instead he looked up at Sungyeol from under his eyelashes, eyes black and deep, full of something Sungyeol refused to read.

"Last time you want us to go to a proper date," L answered in the same soft voice. "So I'm picking you up."

Stupid L and his stupid manner.

Sungyeol wanted to swoon, wanted to say thank you, wanted to say “let’s go” and took the other’s hand and bring him away from here. He bit his lower lip to prevent all of that. L noticed his doubt.

"Why? Do you still have work? I thought I've checked your schedule."

Sungyeol didn't even want to point out how the hell L could access and check his schedule.

"No," he said instead. "I'm all done. Let me just – change my clothes, and then we can go."

L nodded and leaned back to the wall. Sungyeol left him and headed to the locker room. Left and right, the residents flocked at him and demanded where he found such a good looking guy, apparently not taking his previous threat seriously. 

He dumped a whole box of suture kits on Sujeong’s hand and sent them to the ER. Too bad he couldn’t do the same to some fellow nosy attending, such as Namjoo who was giggling and keep poking his arms. This could be worse, though. At least Woohyun and Hoya wasn't here.

He managed to get rid of Namjoo as he entered the male locker room. He finished changing too fast for his liking.

When he was finally back with his casual clothes, L finally stood up. When Sungyeol just stood there, not knowing what to do or what to say, he grabbed Sungyeol’s hand and led them to the parking lot.

Parking lot.

L even brought a car. Black (honestly, Sungyeol didn't expect another color), not shining new and not an expensive one, but it looked well cared.

"You're taking this date really seriously, aren’t you?" Sungyeol said when L even opened the passenger door for him.

"This made you so happy last time,” L answered, sitting on the driver’s seat. He was full of smile now, not even the small perfect smile but big, toothy grin. “If I knew it sooner, I wouldn’t be so against the idea.”

"You don’t have to," Sungyeol said, awkwardly.

“Why not? I like seeing you happy,” L said, humming as he drove.

_Stupid L._

"Stop saying such things," Sungyeol complained. _It made my heart aches._

“I thought you like it cheesy,” L teased him. “Last time you laughed so hard. I even prepared some pick up line, just for you, tonight. The cheesiest I could find in the internet.”

Sungyeol had to smile at this. “You didn’t.”

“I totally did. I even wrote them on my palm, in case I forgot it.”

Sungyeol laughed. How easy it was if he just played along with this proper date game?

“Seriously? Show it to me! I don’t believe it!” he reached for L’s hand, who swatted him away.

“Hey, don’t distract me, I’m driving!”

"Where are you taking me anyway?" Sungyeol huffed, failing to check L’s hand.

"To a real date," L smirked. Sungyeol smacked his thigh.

They slipped into a familiar banter that was so easy for both of them. His heart picked up a pace and he couldn’t decide it was because of excitement or dread.

"Han River? Really?" Sungyeol asked when L finally turned his car into a specific destination.

"This is where everybody in this city dates, right? I told you I did my research"

"Who told you that?" Sungyeol demanded. “He misled you.”

L’s flabbergasted look was new and Sungyeol loved it so much his heart breaks into a million pieces. What if he pretended along for one more night? It was okay, right?

No, it wasn’t okay.

It wasn’t okay because Sungyeol had one foot on the sea already. One more night would just make him fall completely into the sea and he couldn’t die. He had to live.

"Let's stop here," he finally said, making a decision before he couldn’t say it.

"Why? Isn't it too dark here? I'm sure there is a better spot if we go a little bit farther," L said, eyes still focusing on the road.

"L," Sungyeol said, noticing how weird his voice came out. It didn’t even sound like his own voice.

However weird it was, the desperation in it must be evident because L slowly hit the brake and they stopped somewhere in the middle of a quiet lane. It was dark all over. They were far away from any bridge, so there wasn’t any light to illuminate the river on their left side. It was just black huge body of water. On their right side was a quieter side of Han River Park.

"Something's wrong?" L asked in a quiet voice. Sungyeol had no courage to look at him.

He didn’t even dare to answer.

"Sungyeol?" L inquired again when Sungyeol didn’t answer.

"L," Sungyeol said, looking straight ahead. “Let’s stop.”

"We are stopping now," L sounded confused, careful. Maybe he already sensed that something was wrong.

“Not the car,” Sungyeol took a deep breath. "I mean us. Let’s stop,”

"Us?” L asked. “Stop? What – I don't understand.”

Sungyeol could feel L sending him an intense look.

“Let’s stop seeing each other,” Sungyeol clarified, and he had to look at L’s eyes this time. The other deserved at least that.

There was a moment of silence after that because even L seemed to be in a loss for word.

“Why?” he finally asked. “I thought we are doing just fine.”

"It’s not fine,” Sungyeol said, he never hate himself this much before. “It’s never fine, what we are doing. Are you really expecting us to go out and date, just like that? How long are you planning to do this? Pretending like we're a normal couple?"

"We're not pretending to be a normal couple,” L said, still sounded very confused.

“I'm not pretending to be a normal couple," he continued, then quietly added. "Are you?"

Sungyeol shook his head, tried to stop the tears in his eyes from spilling because he had no right to cry right now. "Then what are you calling us right now?" he asked L.

"Dating. I don't know. Dating? All I know is we are loving each other."

"But how long will we be like this?"

"As long as we want. Forever. What's with you, Sungyeol? You don’t seem to mind us being like this before," L demanded.

"Who are you?" Sungyeol decided to address the problem directly.

"What?"

"Who are you? What's your real name?”

"I told you I can’t tell you that. It’s for your own safety, Sungyeol," L said, a hint of desperation in his voice.

"And why is that? Why does knowing your real name puts me in danger? Are you really a mere secret agent, L? Or are you more than that?”

“Sungyeol….”

“How many people have you killed, L?” finally tears were spilled from Sungyeol’s eyes.

L seemed like he realized something else from Sungyeol’s question. “So this is what it means,” he said, voice shaking for the first time that night. “You’re scared of me.”

"No, you're - you're not scaring me. But I’m scared to find out that you're a real killer, L. Or whoever your real name is."

"Even if I kill someone else, I would never harm you, not even an inch." L explained as if it was what made Sungyeol afraid.

"That’s not the problem,” Sungyeol said. “The problem is I am a doctor, L. I'm a surgeon, I fight death every day. I cradle life in my hand, afraid it would slip. Every day! And here you are, taking them from my hand. Every time I kissed you, I remember the people I’ve saved. When I got people with fatal injury, I was afraid it was you behind it."

L looked at him, at loss for words, before he finally realized what the problem in their relationship was."But – what does it have to do with us?" he demanded. “I didn’t kill the kind of people you save in the hospital! It’s not my fault!”

“So are you saying that you kill other kind of people?” Sungyeol demanded back. “Are you saying that you kill people, and yet you think that it’s not your fault? L… do you even understand what did you do? Killing other people… are you even human? What are you, L? A monster?”

L was visibly shaken, hurting from Sungyeol’s word. “Sungyeol, please,” he begged.

"Please what, L?” Sungyeol asked.

“Please, don’t say that. Don’t… leave me. I like you, I truly do.”

“Then can you tell me that you aren’t a killer?”

“Sungyeol…”

“You can’t, right?”

“Please…”

“Then I’m sorry, L. I can’t be with you,” Sungyeol said, wiping his tears for the last time. “Please unlock the door, and let’s not meet again.”

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Actually this is a hard chapter to write, I kept rewriting it over and over again lol.   
> Why do I keep writing myungyeol break up when they're driving? Unconscious thought is rather scary.
> 
>  
> 
> ps: if there are any of you who are wondering where the End of the World update is, I'll try to post it either tomorrow or the day after.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, I finished this fic (thank god). So, update will be regular from now on, maybe every two or three days, to give me time to reread and fix it (if it needs any) before posting.
> 
> Thank you so much for all the kudos and comments! Thank you as well for being patient with my slow update ^^

 

 

Once he got off of the car, it was easy to make him out of sight quickly. There wasn’t enough lighting in this part of the road, and Seoul sky never had any stars. It was new moon and he was sure after twenty or a little more steps, L wouldn’t be able to see him.

_It was for the best_ , Sungyeol thought. He walked ahead, didn’t look back even once.

It was for the best, but why did he feel like the darkness around was swallowing him whole?

-

 

 

“What happened?” Woohyun asked in alarm when he met him the next morning. The pediatric stopped reading the chart he was reading and studied his face instead.

“Nothing happened. Why would you ask that?” Sungyeol replied, brushing the other’s concern as he wondered if it was his bloodshot eyes or his hoarse voice that gave him away.

“It’s that Lee Sungjong guy, isn’t it?” Woohyun narrowed his eyes. “What did he do to you?”

“It’s not Lee Sungjong,” Sungyeol sighed. They kept dragging that poor man into their conversation. Maybe he had been sneezing nonstop somewhere else since he met Sungyeol that night. “And he did nothing.”

“You don’t expect me to buy that, do you?” Woohyun asked. “People were saying he picked you up yesterday.”

Sungyeol groaned before shouting in frustration. “Can’t everyone in this hospital mind their own business for once?”

The nurses and doctors around them suddenly got busy and moved away, but Sungyeol could still see them whispering to each other. He couldn’t hear what they said, but he could guess. With such a commotion last night when L picked him up, Sungyeol knew his attitude would give away a story. Since morning, his interns and fellow doctors had been greeting him with a cheerful slap on the back and gleeful expression, only to notice his mood and expression right away and awkwardly tried to change the conversation.

“I knew there was a mistake on that guy’s part,” he could hear the whisper. Other times he would feigned offence and boasted that it as mistake on _his_ part, or he would pretend to be heartbroken and got himself some free ice cream from the nurse noonas.

But he couldn’t even bring himself to pretend today.

-

 

 

“Good morning, Mrs. Sung,” Sungyeol opened the door to the patient’s room. He always started his round by visiting the elderly lady these days, wanted to make sure she was okay. Ever since he saw the bruises marring her wrinkly skin, he couldn’t put aside the discomfort he felt in his chest whenever he left the lady for too long.

She was sitting when Sungyeol entered the room, seemingly lost in thought before Sungyeol greeted her.

“Good morning, Dr. Lee,” she said, smiling to the young doctor.

 “How are you feeling today?”

“Awake,” she answered. “I feel the most awake ever since I came here.”

“That’s because we stopped your painkiller injection last night,” Sungyeol explained. “From today you can take them orally. Your sister can help you with that. By the way, where is she?”

“She’s in the police station,” Mrs. Sung said sadly. "The police brought my husband for questioning today. She was there as a witness."

Sungyeol felt bad for bringing that up, but he didn’t feel guilty at all for being the one who alerted the hospital about the abuse and consequently, the law enforcement as well.

“Thank you for caring for me, Dr. Lee,” she recovered quickly from her mood and gave him her smile again. “But I wanted to let you know, that once I was discharged, I will testify for my husband for his innocence.”

“What? But Mrs. Sung –" Sungyeol cut himself realizing that he was about to cross a line. Mrs. Sung was a competent adult despite her senior age and no matter how displeased Sungyeol was with the situation, it wasn’t his place to meddle on her decision as a mere physician.  

“Do you want to hear a story, Dr. Lee?” Mrs. Sung suddenly asked. Sungyeol was taken aback for a while, not expecting the change in topic. He nodded, wondering what it was about.

“There were three childhood friends, two girls and a boy. The girls were sister, and the boy was their neighbor. They grew up together, even until they were adult. One day, one of the sisters was at home, alone, when his neighbor barged into her house, possibly mistaking it as his house instead. He was very drunk, and somehow, didn’t know why, he raped her.

“Thankfully the boy heard the fight between them. He rushed to the house and upon finding the situation, he took the nearest thing to him to beat the man up. The thing was unfortunately a golf stick, and before either of them knew about it, the man was dead. The boy and the girl were shocked and scared, not knowing what to do.

“The other sister came and saw what happened. Unlike the other two, she was composed and she took care of everything. She instructed them to bury the body and cleaned everything. She promised not to tell a soul about it.

“Do you why she did it? She did it because she loved the boy, she didn’t want to see him ended up in jail. She did everything she could for him. However, the boy, didn’t love her back. He loved the sister he saved from the drunken man. Tragically, she loved him back. So they ended up married, leaving the other sister behind.

“Feeling hurt by their action, the other sister reported what happened to the police. She didn’t tell about the rape, however, to protect her sister. Not knowing about this, the family forced the girl to divorce his husband in the jail. The girl didn’t listen to her family though, and stayed with the boy, until the end.

“It hurt the other sister’s feeling even more. The heartbreak changed her into someone unlike her old self. Feeling guilty, the couple then took her to live with them. Her feeling had faded away after years, but sometimes, there were times when the grief come backs, when she lapses and tries to hurt the other two that had broken her. It was never serious, and usually she didn’t remember what really happened. Only several days ago it got out of control.”

“Mrs. Sung…” Sungyeol said, speechless. That was one fucked up story. Was she saying that her sister was the one who abused her and her husband both? “But what… that shouldn’t be… she can’t…. are you saying that Mrs. Bongsun did this?”

Mrs. Sung nodded.

“You’re a good doctor, Dr. Lee. I can feel your genuine concern over me, thinking that I was abused by my very own husband. But you are trying to finish a puzzle with incomplete pieces. You only use the pieces in your hand, without knowing that there are other pieces in mine. What you see in the puzzle is only the partial picture.”

“But Mrs. Sung…” he was at loss of words Why did she tell him this? It wasn’t like Sungyeol had control over what happened in the police station. He reported the finding to the hospital, and that was it. The rest was up to those police officers, and honestly Sungyeol wasn’t surprised when they arrested the husband when he had murder charge in the past. “I’m not really in the position to help you,” he said helplessly.

“No, Doctor. You misunderstand me,” she said. “I’m not asking a favor from you. I just want you to do a favor for yourself.”

“A favor for myself?”

“Whoever it is you’re seeing, Dr. Lee, just make sure that you have looked at the complete picture before judging her or him.”

That startled Sungyeol. Is she talking about L? Sungyeol creased his forehead, “How do you know that I…?”

“You care about me more than your other patient, Dr. Lee. Why is that?”

“I…”

“You saw my bruises,” she said softly. “And pardon me for saying this, but I’m quite sure that you were an abuse victim, no? When you saw me, you were reminded about yourself. That’s the same for me. When I saw you, I recognize your agony. We’ve both fallen in love with misunderstood person.”

That was one scary observation. Sungyeol didn’t know how he should react to this.

“But always remember to look at the complete picture, okay?”

The truth he felt in those words started coming into his head. The complete picture of L. Sungyeol hadn’t seen that yet. He left too early and he judged too fast. Damn. Regret started to build up in his heart, as well as desperation to see L once again, to apologize and to fix what he had broken.

“Mrs. Sung,” he said in regret. “About your husband, I’m really sorry. What can I do for you, Mrs. Sung?”

“Don’t you worry about me, Dr. Lee. The three of us will be fine,” she said. “Like I said, once I testify for my husband’s innocence, we would be fine. If you want to help, you can discharge me faster so I can testify.”

But it would be hard to prove that, Sungyeol knew. Not to mention that Mrs. Sung’s husband had criminal record, and it was no less than murder. When he left her room, he closed the door slowly and leaned into it. He wasn’t quite ready to move any farther yet.

That was… complicated, and out of expectation. If Mrs. Bongsun was really sick mentally, she would need professional help. Sungyeol would never guessed from his meeting with the woman last time. She looked fine and genuinely worried about her sister. But then again Sungyeol wasn't an expert at psychology.

However, he supposed Mrs. Sung and her husband could use some of that professional help as well. The guilt over Mrs. Bongsun’s condition had eaten them alive, it seemed. Both the old lady and her husband were trying to protect Mrs. Bongsun. Mrs. Sung didn't give her name out that time when Sungyeol asked her. Her husband agreed to be questioned by the police and somehow Sungyeol knew that he wouldn't tattle Mrs. Bongsun's name as well. Mrs. Sung only told him about this to gave him advice, not to give his sister up.

What a horrible situation, and it happened to someone as kind as Mrs. Sung.

If only there was something he could do for her….

Hoya rushed past him at that time, going to the elevator. Sungyeol got a sudden idea and he chased after the orthopedic.

“Hoya, hey!” he called the other, entering the elevator at the last second before the door was closing.

“Yeol, s’up?” he answered distractedly as his eyes scanned the chart in front of him.

“I need your help,” Sungyeol said. “Do you think you can find Lee Sungjong again for me?”

Hoya stopped eyeing his chart and looked at Sungyeol instead. “What did the bastard do?”

Sungyeol pulled his hair in frustration. Is there anybody in this hospital who hasn’t heard the name of Lee Sungjong yet?

“This isn’t about him!” he hissed. “I just need a lawyer to introduce to my patient, who preferably interested for a pro bono case.”

“Sungyeol, what did I say about getting too involved with your patient?” Hoya looked at him in mock disappointment.

“It’s nothing like that, I swear. Would you people stop making a conclusion before you have all the necessary information?” he demanded, before shutting his lips realizing that he did the very same thing to L. “It doesn’t even need to be Lee Sungjong. I just said his name because he’s the first lawyer in my thought. I don’t know any lawyer at all, so if you have any name to recommend to me.”

-

 

 

“It’s weird. I’ve called all friends I knew in the law industry and nobody seemed to recognize Lee Sungjong,” Hoya reported to Sungyeol that night when they were having dinner in the break room. “However, I can recommend you another lawyer. She’s my friend, I can personally vouch for her character and capability. Do you want her contact?”

“Sure,” Sungyeol said. He’d gave it to Mrs. Sung later. A lawyer will know what to do to help Mrs. Sung’s husband. He had already asked someone from psychiatrist department to give Mrs. Sung a consult. Hopefully they can decide what course of action should be given to the three of them.

His concentration was split into two directions. The first was for Mrs. Sung, and the second was for none other than L. And while he could think of some things to help the elderly lady, he couldn’t think of anything he could do to fix his situation with L. He didn’t even have any idea on how to find the secret agent. No phone number, no address, not even real name.  He twirled his spaghetti over and over, not finding any appetite at all.

“Hoya,” he called again. “Do you think you can find another person for me?”

The later looked up from the pasta he had just heated up on the microwave and Sungyeol was reminded that this was L and if Hoya couldn’t even find Sungjong, then the chance of him finding L was zero.

“Who?” this time it was Woohyun who asked.

“Forget it,” he waved his hand.

“Really, Sungyeol. You’ve been hiding enough stuff from us. Is there any reason why we can’t know anything about this Lee Sungjong, even when he had obviously done something to you last night?”

“What can I tell you about him if I know nothing about him?” Sungyeol retorted in irritation.

“At least you can tell us what you two did yesterday!” Woohyun pouted.

“Dr. Lee,” Minjoon interrupted their conversation from the door. “Someone’s looking for you in the lobby.”

Sungyeol gaped at the resident, feeling like someone had poured a bucket of icy cold water on him. Could it be that it was L looking for him? He scrambled to his feet, ignoring his two friends who were perked up interestedly like meerkat.

“He wasn’t the same guy as yesterday,” Minjoon told him.

“What?” Sungyeol asked, his spirit was crushed. So it wasn’t L, he swallowed the disappointment. Woohyun and Hoya also resigned back to their chair, suddenly became uninterested with the whole affair.

His cold hearted resident answered with a shrug.

“I’ve told you the message, I’m off now,” he said before leaving.

As Sungyeol walked to the front lobby as fast as possible, he tried to guess would look for him in the hospital if it wasn’t L. Could it be that L was disguising himself? But he quickly dismissed such absurd hope. Maybe L could do it, but why would he do it?

He would never in a lifetime guess that it was Lee Sungjong.

The lawyer was still as good looking as ever, Sungyeol could see the female patients and visitors sneak him a peek and the female nurses even giggled together. However, there was neither smile nor friendliness in his sharp face. He glared at a particular spot, his eyes icy. His hand folded in front of his chest.

He was irritated at something. No, he was fuming at something.

He turned his head to Sungyeol as if he actually knew that Sungyeol was coming without needing to look. They looked at each other, expecting the other to say the first word.

“Hi, Sungjong. What makes you come here?” he greeted the other first, noticing that his guest wouldn’t give him the first word.

“Let’s go outside,” Sungjong unexpectedly said. His tone was as icy as his glare.

“O…kay? Just let me change my clothes, my shift ends in five minutes.“

“Just a minute, to the parking lot,” Sungjong cut him.

“But –“ Sungyeol felt his arm was tugged. Sungyeol was surprised with the strength coming from that thin arm. He quickly followed the shorter man, softly pulling his arm so they wouldn’t make such a show in front of so many people.

Thankfully, the parking lot was empty. Sungjong didn’t have to drag him far before he stopped.

The next, Sungjong grabbed him by his collar so fast Sungyeol only realized it when he was shaken so hard by the lawyer.

“What are you doing?!” he spluttered, trying to stop the other.

“That’s my question, bastard,” Sungjong hissed, voice low, but angry and seething.

“What?” Sungyeol honestly didn’t know what had made the other so angry. “What do you mean?”

“Do you remember what you said to me that night?” and then suddenly Sungjong shouted right on his face. Sungyeol was at loss about what it was about and also worried about his life as well. Why did Sungjong suddenly appear and sprouted nonsense about the night they meet? Honestly, that night was rather insignificant to Sungyeol so he kind of already forgot the most part of what happened.

“I’m not really –“

“I trust you,” he shook Sungyeol. “That at least you will treat him better than most people in his life!”

“What are you talking about?!” Sungyeol screamed. “Who are you talking about?!”

“But I’m wrong, aren’t I? You only care when he is _your patient_ but when he is no longer your patient, he is just a monster, right?!” Sungjong screamed right back at him.

What? Who? Sungyeol has a thousand questions ringing in his head, but he is too dizzy with Sungjong screaming right on his face while shaking him violently.

“Hey! What are you doing to him?!” A voice yelled from behind him and soon someone separated them. Sunggyu fiercely pulled him away from Sungjong, which Sungyeol was very thankful for. Finally he could take a breath and think a moment.

“You’re talking about L,” suddenly it dawned on Sungyeol. Why Sungjong was talking weird in the bar, why Hoya couldn’t find him in the law firm, and why he got so angry just now. He must be someone who knew L. In a matter of second, all of his surprise changed into hope. “You’re talking about L, right? Can you bring me to him?”

“What is this? Who is L? What are you talking about, Sungyeol?” Sunggyu asked him.

“I don’t know, after what you did last night,” Sungjong ignored Sunggyu’s questions and addressed Sungyeol instead.

“I need to see him,” Sungyeol said, pleading. “I have to say sorry to him. Can you bring me to him? Do you know where he is?”

“Sungyeol, who is L? Why are you apologizing to him? Who is this man?” Sunggyu demanded, looking back and forth between Sungyeol and Sungjong.

"Now you want to say sorry?" Sungjong looked at him from head to toe, as if gauging Sungyeol’s sincerity. “How do I know that you won’t hurt him again this time?”

"I swear on my job as a surgeon,” Sungyeol pleaded. Sunggyu looked at him as if he was insane.

“Sungyeol, what the hell are you talking about?”

"Your job doesn’t mean anything for me," Sungjong spat.

"Please," Sungyeol said. "I promise I’ll fix whatever mistake I made yesterday. Just please take me to him."

"Why should I?"

"I understand what my mistake is," Sungyeol said. “I doubted him even when he has proven to me over and over again that he is a good guy. I’ve attacked him with hurtful word, in his weakest point. I’ve been cruel and I realized that now, but I promise I’ll make no such mistake again in the future.”

Sungjong was still eyeing him, not saying even a word.

"Fine,” he says. “You better be thankful he likes you so much. I usually won’t even bother. I'm giving you a ride, but this is one way."

"One way what?" Sunggyu demanded but Sungyeol knew perfectly what it was. Sungyeol could be annoying and emotionally constipated, but he was not stupid. He knew that there was more to L than their blissful domestic dates.

"I understand."

"Sungyeol!"

Sungjong unlocked his car door. It was the car L used yesterday to pick him, Sungyeol realized before he got himself inside.

"Wait!" Sunggyu shouted, he was hot on their heels. "You can't just go with him like this, who is this man, Sungyeol?"

Sungyeol would like to open his mouth and ask Sunggyu to shut up, but Sungjong said first.

"I'm Lee Sungjong and I'm taking him to my house at Geumho-Dong. It’s a pharmacy called Astoria. You can Google the address."

“What?” Sunggyu demanded. “You’re Lee Sungjong? That lying, fictional lawyer?”

"Hyung," Sungyeol finally had to step up. "Trust me about this okay. There is this man I've known for a while and I need to meet him and tell him something. I need this."

"At least let me come with you," Sunggyu said.

"No," Sungyeol shook his head. This was delicate and dangerous matter, this whole thing with L. The less other people were involved, the better. “I promise I’ll tell you everything later. Don’t worry about me.”

He closed the car window as Sungjong stepped on the gas, and soon Sunggyu could no longer be seen.

-

 

 

They stop in front of a two stories building made from black stone, pretty rare for Seoul architecture. The ground floor is partly covered with wall glass, showing rows of shelves and a counter. Above the door, there is a large sized board indicating the identity of the building:

**Astoria**

**Modern and Herbal Pharmacy**

Sungjong parked the car in the driveway leading to a closed garage next to the pharmacy. He got off the door and gestured to Sungyeol to follow, before opening a door between the garage and the store. The door apparently led to a narrow alleyway that ended up in a backyard.

The backyard was beautiful, it was late spring and the flowers were still blooming. Sungyeol wasn’t much a nature person, but he could spot some roses, jasmines, hydrangea, and lilies. If he wasn’t so preoccupied with the thought of finding L, he surely would appreciate the effort Sungjong had put into his garden.

Sungjong didn’t say anything about his backyard, however. He showed Sungyeol a metal stair connecting the backyard to the next floor. There, Sungjong opened a door and led Sungyeol inside his house, through the kitchen and dining room, until they reached narrow hall that leads to several other rooms.

Sungjong’s house was silent and undisturbed. Sungyeol wondered if L was behind one of the closed bedroom and whether he had heard Sungjong's car.

_Does he even know that Sungjong has gone out and brought Sungyeol here?_

Sungjong opened one of the closed doors before closing it again. He repeated it for the other three doors and frowned.

"He isn’t anywhere," he said to Sungyeol. Sungyeol protested.

"But you said..."

"Maybe he doesn't want you to find him," Sungjong said. "Maybe he isn't ready to talk yet."

"But," Sungyeol felt all the strength left on him vanished."But I need to say sorry."

"Sit down first," Sungjong said, pointing to the direction of the kitchen. "Tea? Coffee? Water?"

"No, thank you,” Sungyeol couldn’t think of anything but L right now. “Do you have any idea where is he? You said he will be here, you said he lives here!"

Sungjong looked at him, unimpressed.

"Yeah, he lives here, not imprisoned. If he wants to go, he can go. I don’t chain him or lock him in his room.”

"But… when will he come back?"

"I don't even know he'll come back or not,” Sungjong muttered quietly and it felt wrong for Sungyeol because Sungjong sounded more exasperated rather than worried. Shouldn’t he be more worried if his… (His what exactly? Roommate? Housemate? Friend? Sibling?) …his acquaintance had gone missing?

“But then how can we find him?” Sungyeol asks again because even if Sungjong didn’t think L missing was a big deal, for Sungyeol it was.

“When he wants to be found, you’ll find him. Until then, there’s nothing we can do,” Sungjong shrugged and went to the kitchen.

Sungyeol followed him, unable to accept the explanation. “But aren’t you worried of him? What if he doesn’t want to be found for a long time?”

“I never worry about him, because I know that he is capable to protect himself. The only thing about him that I worry is _you_ ,” he glared at Sungyeol. “But since you’re here with me and you can’t hurt him the way you did yesterday, then I’m sure he is fine.”

“I – I know I was wrong,” Sungyeol said. “It was a mistake from me. I shouldn’t have said those terrible things on him, not without knowing everything about him first. I was just…  confused, and doubtful, and afraid. Things are going too fast between us. I realize that maybe I love him for real but I still don’t know who he is. I said those things to protect myself, selfishly. I didn’t realize that it hurt him instead...” he rambles, walking back and forth to calm his nerves.

Sungjong sighed. “Just sit down. You’re making me dizzy.”

Sungyeol pulled one of the dining chairs and sat down there, biting his lower lips. What if L really wouldn’t come back? Would they really part with Sungyeol’s accusation as the last word?

“Drink this, it will calm you down,” Sungjong put a cup of tea in front of Sungyeol.

“Will he come back or not?” Sungyeol asked because if Sungjong wanted him calm, then he should give Sungyeol what he really need.

“I wish I know,” Sungjong didn’t look too bothered with Sungyeol ignoring his tea and instead sipping his own.

“Aren’t you too calm for a situation where your… I don’t know what is L to you, but he is _missing_.” Sungyeol demanded. “What is L to you?”

“How to say it…” Sungjong put his tea back on the table. “Our relationship is unique. I think I’m his god.”

Sungyeol took a moment to process that claim.

“Pardon?”

“I’m his god. I make impossible thing possible for him, supporting him behind the scenes. That’s what god does, right?”

Sungyeol really wasn’t in the mood to joke, or to clarify, or to disagree. Sungjong could claim that he was L’s sibling, L’s parent, or even L’s god like he did, Sungyeol didn’t care. Sungjong might be close to L, and other time he would take advantage of this situation to interrogate the fake lawyer about L. But right now, all he cared about was L.

_Where are you L please come back I have to at least apologize to you._

Amazingly, as if heaven heard his prayer, the kitchen door opened at that time. Sungyeol and Sungjong looked up, and L was standing there, in black pants and black jacket, holding a bag of groceries, eyes huge in disbelief.

“Sungyeol?”

-

 

 

The back door, connecting the kitchen and the stairs outdoor, was opened without a sound. In front of it, L was standing, his right hand clutching a groceries bag and his left hand still on the handle.

“L,” Sungyeol breathed the word he had missed to say.

“Where did you go?” Sungjong’s voice cut through the frail moment. That seemed to snap L out of his stupor, because he stepped inside and closed the door next. Meanwhile, Sungyeol still could never look away from the man on the door.

Was it really only 24 hours since they last met? It felt like 24 years.

“We’re out of milk,” L answered, putting the bag full of milk on the kitchen table before looking at Sungyeol. “What are you doing here? How do you know this place?”

“Sungjong brought me here,” Sungyeol said, meeting L's eyes and he wondered if he could talk to him right now, right here because he needed to. Maybe he could ask Sungjong to borrow one of the room, or maybe he and L could talk outside.

"I'll leave you two alone," Sungjong said, and Sungyeol could hear the warning in the subtext. Unconsciously, he nodded.

The back door closed softly. They waited until they could hear Sungjong's steps on the metal stairs faded. Vaguely he remembered how none of those steps made such sound when L climbed upstairs just before.

Yesterday, that would be one more thing to remind him that L came from an unknown part in Sungyeol's life. Today, however, it lost the significance.

-

 

L took the chair Sungjong left and Sungyeol straightened himself on his seat. They were facing each other.

The apology was on the tip of his tongue, but it was hard to say. Despite his insistence to meet L before, now he found himself frozen on the spot, unable to utter even a word. He couldn’t even look at the man in front of him.

The silence stretched for a full minute before Sungyeol found his courage to say it out loud, at the same time L opened his mouth.

“I…”

"I'm sorry," Sungyeol whispered, still unable to look at L. "For yesterday. I was cruel. I said things I shouldn’t have said."

"No," L cut him. “You weren’t wrong. It was a perfectly normal reaction, I understand. Everybody would have done the same. I was surprised that you endure me for such a long time, actually, considering that I’m such a… such a monster.”

"No, L. Don’t say that. You aren’t a monster,” Sungyeol said hurriedly. It was horrible to hear L calling himself a monster. “What happened yesterday was my fault. I judged you unfairly – no, don’t cut me. I only looked at you and what you did with my point of view. I never heard the whole story from you, I just concluded things by myself. And all of these times I’ve been asking you questions but turns out I’ve never actually understand them."

"Sungyeol?"

"And for that, I’m really sorry."

"Sungyeol, please look at me,” L’s voice was soft, and Sungyeol slowly looked up to see the handsome man looking at him in bewilderment. “Do you mean that?”

Sungyeol nodded. He meant it, what he said. All parts of them.

“You’re giving me a chance to explain myself to you?”

Sungyeol nodded again.

“Why?” L asked, still quite bewildered. “You gave me lots of chances to explain myself before, it was my fault for never answering your question. Why are you giving me another chance?”

Sungyeol thought of the pain in his chest that hadn’t been subsided ever since he left L’s car that night.

“I don’t want to let you go,” he said, honest. “I don’t want us to part.”

L was at loss of words, but then he reached across the table to touch Sungyeol’s hands and just mere contact of their fingertips was enough to make him feel better, a little.

“I missed you,” he heard L whispered. “I don’t want you to leave either.”

“L,” Sungyeol said, because that was all he could do. “L,” he repeated it again.

“No, don’t call me L,” the man still whispered. “That’s not my name. I’m sorry I kept it from you. You deserve the truth, Sungyeol. I’m sorry that I wasn’t being honest before.”

Sungyeol took L’s hands into his, holding it tight so he couldn’t pull them back.

“Call me Myungsoo,” L said, holding his hands back. “That’s my birth name. My real name. It’s Kim Myungsoo.”

“Kim Myungsoo,” Sungyeol tried it, savoring every syllable of it. “Myungsoo.”

“I am.”

“Can I call you Myungsoo?”

“Sure,” Myungsoo said, voice hoarse. “I want you to call me that. And for the rest of me… well… promise me you won’t hate me too much for this.”

Sungyeol shook his head. He would never.

“I was an assassin, Sungyeol,” Myungsoo said carefully, like he was expecting Sungyeol to pull out his hands anytime. Sungyeol tightened his hold instead.

“A professional assassin. I work for our country, for a special task force in military. I graduated from military academy, but before that I was raised in a special orphanage where they keep gifted and selected young children and train them to prepare for military academy. I was in the academy since I was nine years old, they said I was special and all of that. I graduated at 15, while the others usually started at 15. I served in special army for five years after that, until 20. The next 5 years I was a professional assassin. I did the dirty job for the government – killing people they think are threatening the nation. Sometimes I killed North Korean or Japanese as well.

“I was involved in an accident five years ago. The accident made me want to quit my job, but I’ve been involved too long. They won’t let me go. I’ve known too much. So, they tried to kill me, but I survived, and had been on the rogue after that. Sungjong helped me a lot during that time. These five years, I was abroad most of the time. Every year I came here to visit Sungjong. Last month, they smelled my presence and I was involved in a little murder attempt. That was when you saved me. And the rest… you know the rest.”

Myungsoo licked his lips after he told him. Sungyeol didn’t blame him, his throat was dry as well. That was quite a horrible life for L – for Myungsoo.

“Myungsoo,” he called.

“So that’s what I am, in a nutshell. A killing machine.”

“Myungsoo.”

“They called me M in the corps. You know, M for Monster.”

“Myungsoo.”

“That’s all I am, Sungyeol,” Myungsoo said resignedly. “I’m an agent, yes, but I killed people as well. I even forgot how many I’ve been killed. If you… if you think I am too much for you, I completely understand. I just want to ask you not to tell a word about this to anybody.”

Sungyeol felt sad and angry. Who would put this young man through such a horrible experience? What did he do to deserve such a sad life?

“I’m sorry that you have to experience that,” Sungyeol said. He let go of Myungsoo’s hand and pulled himself up. He walked to the opposite side of the table where Myungsoo sat, before lowering himself and embracing the black-clad man.

“I’m sorry that I couldn’t help you back then,” he whispered.  

Myungsoo didn’t react for a moment, but then he snatched Sungyeol and hugged him so tight like he was trying to melt their bodies together.

“You…” he stuttered. “You’re not going to leave?”

Sungyeol tightened his hold. “Never.”

“Thank you, Sungyeol,” he whispered on his ear before pulling Sungyeol on his lap and kissed him. Sungyeol kissed back immediately, wanting to show Myungsoo how much he loved him, how much he needed him, how he couldn’t leave even if he wanted.

The kiss was salty, Myungsoo had been crying. Sungyeol broke the kiss and wiped them with his fingers.

“You’ve been… you’ve been through a lot. You’ve survived many things, and you are in front of me now. You did good, Myungsoo.”

Myungsoo didn’t answer and Sungyeol’s heart ached knowing how much Myungsoo had suffered. The boy was covered in invisible scars and Sungyeol wanted to heal them, but he felt helpless, didn’t know what to do.

“I’ve never felt so useless as a doctor,” he confessed. “What can I do to make you feel better, Myungsoo?”

“This,” Myungsoo said, pressing his lips on Sungyeol. Sungyeol kissed back, giving everything he had to the man in front of him. It wasn’t mere kiss he gave, it was love. It wasn’t mere lips, it’s all of him. His body, his heart, his soul. His past and future. He gave it all to Myungsoo.

When he pulled back, he looked into Myungsoo’s black eyes and he could see the trace of old wounds in them. They looked so big, and Sungyeol didn’t know if it would ever heal with just love, but he’d take the risk.

He reached for the younger’s cheeks and ran his thumbs over his eyelid, before giving them tender kisses, once for each.

“Sorry I wasn’t there when you were suffering,” he whispers. Myungsoo’s eyes fluttered open.

“I should be the one saying that.”

“We found each other so late.”  

“But we survived.”

“We did,” Sungyeol said.

“Let’s…” Myungsoo started. “Let’s survive together. The two of us. From now on.”

“Yeah,” Sungyeol agreed. “Let’s do that.”

He leaned into Myungsoo once again, capturing the other’s lips on his mouth, his hands cupping Myungsoo’s face. He would not let go. He would never let go.

“Myungsoo.”

“Mmm?”

“Myungsoo.”

-

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is even harder to write than the last chapter - and even than the rest of the fic. I finished this chapter the last. That Mrs. Sung part was the hardest at one point I wanted to scrap her story, but I already posted part of her in earlier chapter so that wasn't an option. Note to self: draft your fic well, especially if they are chaptered, lol.


	7. Chapter 7

 

 

 

“Sunggyu is looking for you,” Woohyun said when Sungyeol arrived in the break room the next morning. The older looked tired, eye bag as big as saucer.

“Rough night?” Sungyeol asked, reaching for two mugs and brought it to the coffee maker. He waited for the coffee to brew.

“Yeah, strangely seven kids in the pediatric wards decided to relapse or get some complication in the same night,” Woohyun groaned. “Why is Sunggyu looking for you?”

Woohyun must have not heard about Sungjong yesterday. Sungyeol secretly was being thankful for that.

“I don’t know,” he brought the steaming coffee to the table and offered one mug to Woohyun, who received it with much gratitude. “You and Hoya are going fine?”

“You mean except the fact we’re both surgeon with different shift in long work hour that prevent us to spend quality time together? Then we’re fine. We’ll appreciate some holiday, though. And what about you?”

“About me?” Sungyeol raised his eyebrows, pretending not to know what Woohyun were talking about.

“You and the lawyer,” Woohyun frowned. “You still haven’t told me anything about him, Yeol. And I swear I don’t mind it but you didn’t look fine yesterday, I was worried. Now, I won’t be much of a help but I really want you to tell me about him. I’m your best friend. I’m worried about you. Even if you want to keep your relationship secret, at least tell me the basic things, like who he is and how you feel about him.”  

Sungyeol sipped his coffee slowly, thinking about how much he should let Woohyun know about this.

“You don’t even know whether we’re in relationship or not.”

“Of course I know. I’m your best friend, Sungyeol. I know when you’re happy, sad, or angry. Recently, you were glowing with happiness, the kind that comes because you are happily in love. I let you keep silent because you look fine, until yesterday. So, I think it’s time to spill,” Woohyun said. “Did he hurt you?”

“He didn’t hurt me,” Sungyeol answered slowly. “I was the one who hurt him. We fought, but we’ve made up last night. So, you really shouldn’t worry about this anymore.”

“But you should still tell me about him,” Woohyun continued. “Like what kind of person he is and are you serious about him. Hey, so at what firm actually the guy works?”

“Okay, let me clear a misunderstanding first. The guy is not the lawyer like you think. It is a different guy; he is the lawyer’s best friend. But he is very shy, so I can’t tell you more about him.”

“A different guy?” Woohyun was startled. “When did you even meet a different guy?”

“Uh, when I was taking a break from the hospital, remember? We got close during that time. And Sungjong, the lawyer, approached me at the bar because he wanted to check me,” Sungyeol didn’t lie much in this part, did he?   

Part of him felt guilty for not being able to tell his best friend honestly about Myungsoo, but he wouldn’t risk either Myungsoo’s identity getting exposed or Woohyun getting involved.

“Alright, maybe I should grace Sunggyu with my presence now,” he quickly downed the rest of his coffee, avoiding further probing on from Woohyun. Thankfully, Woohyun for now accepted his short little explanation and let him go easily.

His relief didn’t last long considering he had to provide lengthy and satisfying explanation for Sunggyu.

“Come in,” Sunggyu called when Sungyeol knocked his office door.

“You’re looking for me, Hyung?” he asked innocently. Maybe there was still hope that Sunggyu didn’t want him here for explanation about Myungsoo. Maybe it was work related. Maybe Sunggyu just wanted to scold Sungyeol – he did it from time to time even when Sungyeol didn’t have a particular screw up.

“Lee Sungyeol,” Sunggyu snarled, putting the paper he was reading back on the table. “Sit down. You have a long explanation about yesterday.”

“Okay,” Sungyeol said calmly. First strategy, appear calm and collected so Sunggyu wouldn’t get any idea about how deep Sungyeol’s half foot had been drowned into the dangerous territory. “How much do you know already? Tell me so I can fill you in with the rest.”

“I have no freaking idea whatsoever about this,” Sunggyu said. “So who is the man yesterday and who is L?”

“L is my boyfriend, Sungjong is his friend,” Sungyeol answered.

“Your boyfriend,” Sunggyu repeated, not showing any approval or disapproval. “Since when are you dating?”

“We got close during my break,” Sungyeol said.

“Is his name really L? Where and how did you meet each other? What kind of person is he? Why did Sungjong yell at you like that yesterday? Did they hurt you?”

Sungyeol resisted the urge to roll his eyes. He and Myungsoo exchanged many questions on daily basis, and while he felt fun doing it with Myungsoo, with Sunggyu he just wanted to strangle the older. But he knew Sunggyu had a good intention in his heart, so he still answered.

“That’s just his nickname. I helped him when he was involved in a fight on the street one day and he was thankful to me, so he asked if we can meet again and I said yes. He is a good person, although a little bit shy. Sungjong yelled at me because we had fight the night before and I said something horrible to L. No, they didn’t hurt me and I believe they won’t ever do that to me, Hyung.”

“Why did this L get involved in a fight?” Sunggyu’s eyes narrowed.

“He beat a thug for hurting someone,” Sungyeol made a story – omitting the fact that that someone was him and Myungsoo didn’t beat the thug, but killed him.

“And how serious are you with him?” Sunggyu finally asked.

“I’m serious with him,” Sungyeol answered quickly because this time he was sure with the answer.

“Then, you should introduce me to him,” Sunggyu smirked. “I wanted to see what kind of man would fall for you.”

“I don’t know…” Sungyeol trailed off. “He was really shy around stranger, so maybe not in the near future.”

“It’s okay,” Sunggyu waved his hands. “Take your time. I won’t force him to meet me if he isn’t ready. But if both of you are serious, then we’ll meet anyway, sooner or later.”

Sunggyu pick up the paper on the table and started reading again. Sungyeol tried to imagine how it would be if Sunggyu met Myungsoo. He thought it could still be under control as long as Sunggyu didn’t know that Myungsoo was a rogue secret agent.

“Why are you still here?” Sunggyu looked up from his paper and eyed Sungyeol. “Get out of my office and start working.”

Sungyeol flipped him a finger and left.

-

 

 

Things are definitely brighter for Sungyeol after that. Not only that he didn’t need to hide the fact that he is dating to those closest to him, but he got his L back and that was all that Sungyeol needs.

To celebrate their make-up, Sungyeol wanted to take the raven man for a fancy date today. He had reserved a place in a restaurant for tonight.

“Hi, handsome,” Sungjong catcalled from his position in the counter when Sungyeol entered the pharmacy. He dressed up for today and even brought his usually dormant car, because he wanted to bring Myungsoo to the most romantic date ever.

He had made up with Sungjong as well. The pharmacist was actually very friendly, once you got into his good side. Sungyeol just had to be careful not to rub him off the wrong way again.

"Eyes off my babe, Sungjong," Myungsoo's voice came from behind, before the person himself showed up. Sungyeol had to hold himself back from humming some appreciative note. 

Sungyeol had told the other before to dress up, because Sungyeol wanted to take him to a very fancy dinner. Myungsoo wore black all over again, and Sungyeol was used to that - Myungsoo in black t-shirt, Myungsoo in black jacket, and Myungsoo in black jumper. But tonight he wore a black suit over black shirt, and Sungyeol thought that the color black was invented for Myungsoo.

"You look so handsome," Sungyeol praised. "People would think I'm going out with celebrity."

He even styled his hair up and Sungyeol had to hold himself from running his hand over it (how many times he'd have to hold himself tonight?).

"You look even better than me," Myungsoo said, smiling at him.

Sungyeol wanted to scoff. He took a bath on the hospital and changed into his soft pink shirt and tailored pants in the locker room, and then put the coat in his cat. He was sure his shirt had some crinkles and he didn't even comb his hair.

But Myungsoo looked at him in such a way that made him believe at his previous words.  
He heard a camera clicked and Sungjong were taking a picture of them.

"Sorry," he said. "But _both_ of you are ridiculously good looking and I just had to take photos."

"Sungjongie, stop taking picture of me secretly. It made me uncomfortable," Myungsoo whined, although it didn't sound genuine at all.

" _Secretly_ my ass," Sungyeol scoffed. "You of all people should've known that I'm taking pictures of you before I even get the camera out. You're just losing your guard because you focused all of your attention to Sungyeol."

Myungsoo didn't even bother to correct that and beamed instead, as if giving Sungyeol all of his present self was an achievement of some sort. 

"Where are you taking this loser, Sungyeol?" Sungjong asked. 

"Fine dining in Skye Hotel," he told Sungjong, strangely proud. It was three stars Michelin and he had secured them a reservation from a week ago. 

"That's a good choice," Sungjong flashed him a thumb approval. "Just remember that Myungsoo can be embarrassing in such high end environment, okay?"

"Sungjong, stop talking and let us go already," Myungsoo called from the front of the shop already.

"Alright, alright," the pretty pharmacist rolled his eyes and waved his hands, gesturing to him to go to his impatient boyfriend. "Don't forget to use protection, kids."

"Why would we need protection?" Sungyeol whined. "We're going _dining_."

"Well, you're dining in Skye Hotel. It's obvious what you're going to do after dinner," Sungjong cheerily said as he winked.

"And that's none of your business, Sungjong," Myungsoo came inside the store to pull him away from Sungjong's tease. The pharmacist's laugh followed them as they left.

Myungsoo opened the passenger car and held the door for him. Sungyeol laughed. "Go and sit down inside, Mr. Kim. I'll drive."

"You're acting strangely like my butler tonight. Are we role-playing Kuroshitsuji?" Myungsoo asked.

"What is Kuroshitsuji?" Sungyeol asked back. "And what is role-playing?"

"You don't know Kuroshitsuji," Myungsoo shook his head, pitying Sungyeol before his eyes glinted. "And you don't know role-playing either. We'll have to change that soon."

"Why? Because it turns you on?" Sungyeol ignited his car and sneaked a look sideway. Myungsoo blushed and for a while Sungyeol admired the pretty pink dust on the rogue agent's cheeks. He felt proud to be able to make him blush. After all this was Myungsoo.

"It does," Myungsoo said, voice a little bit too low according to Sungyeol. "Want to see?"

Sungyeol swallowed because this conversation was becoming dangerous, especially when they were about to dine.  He didn't want to go to the restaurant and eat his steak with a hard on. They should stop this and continue after dinner at Sungyeol's apartment.

"Right, we shouldn't enter the restaurant sporting questioning bulge," Myungsoo's hand sneaked to caress Sungyeol's thighs. "So we should take care of yours before we arrived, shouldn't we?"

Sungyeol choked on his spit, despite his throat feeling dry.

"You might want to stop the car first, Babe. I'm not sure you can handle me while driving," he whispered in Sungyeol's ears. When did Myungsoo even take off his seatbelt and leaned so close to him?

Needless to say, Sungyeol stopped his car in front of a closed shop. Myungsoo kneeled on folded himself to fit on the car floor, and Sungyeol forgot about the world.  
-

 

 

When Myungsoo wiped his mouth, Sungyeol had half a mind to scratch their dinner plan and went straight to his apartment instead.

He didn't expect Myungsoo to refuse. 

"No, let's go to dinner. I'm hungry," he said.

"You are hungry after what you just did for me," Sungyeol said disbelieving.

"Hey, come on. As tasty as it was, your cum has not enough nutritional value to sustain me," Myungsoo smirked. Sungyeol hit him for his obscure words.

"That’s not what I mean and you know it!" he whined. "And I just want more than food..."

"No," Myungsoo said. "You need to eat before you play."

Was Myungsoo planning something?

"What if I lose my desire to play when we eat?" he tried threatening the others. Myungsoo chuckled. 

"I won't worry about it," he spoke as he tucked Sungyeol back. "I'll make sure to make our play interesting that you won't be able to resist, Baby."

"Myungsoo," he whines again, trying to appeal to the younger to agree to his request. 

"Believe me," Myungsoo said seriously. "It will be better later. It will be so good it's worth the patient."  
Just imagining it made Sungyeol shivered.

"At least let me take care of you," Sungyeol pouted, reaching for the bulge in Myungsoo's pants.

"No," Myungsoo said. "I don't want it now. I told you, the more patient I am, the better it will feel later."

"But that looks uncomfortable," Sungyeol said, eyeing the strained pants

"It will be more comfortable once you're looking away from it," Myungsoo teased him. 

So they stayed still in the car, waiting for the high to come down, talking about nothing and everything. From how hard it was for Sungyeol to get a reservation, about his work today, to the fine weather this night and what Sungjong was doing right now.

"Okay, talking about Sungjong helped me," Myungsoo pointed to his crotch, now almost flat.

"But Sungjong is hot, why are you getting flat when we talk about him?"

"Ew," Myungsoo said, disgusted. "Wait, you think Sungjong is hot?"

"Clearly," Sungyeol said. "My colleagues in the hospital went nuts when he visited me."

"What about me?" Myungsoo demanded.

"Of course you are the hottest," Sungyeol said. "But just because I got the hottest man in this earth doesn't mean that I can't judge other people's hotness objectively."

"The hottest man in this earth?" Myungsoo teased him. "Is that your opinion of me? I'm flattered."

The sad thing for Sungyeol was that he wasn't even lying or exaggerating when he said that. 

"And how's your opinion about me?" he demanded.

"You?" Myungsoo raised his eyebrow, then eyed him from head to toe as if he was assessing. He frowned as if he didn't like what he saw, but then he leaned into Sungyeol again. "You are beyond hot, Baby."

-

 

 

 “Here’s the bill, Sir,” their waiter put a bill on the table. Myungsoo handed the woman his (black) card, but Sungyeol quickly shoved it away and put his blue card instead.

“It’s my date!” he told the agent.

“I can pay, Sungyeol,” the agent said.

“I’m the surgeon here.”

“You don’t know how much I get paid, do you?” Myungsoo smirked, looking smug and challenging. Sungyeol hits his hand.

“Yah, don’t brag!”

“You’re the one bringing your high paid job first,” he grimaced and cradled his hand, pretending to be hurt.

The poor (but well trained) waiter didn’t even look a little bit inconvenienced by their long game. Sungyeol won the game.

“That was a good pick,” Myungsoo told him when they were in the elevator to the basement parking lot. “A far cry from our usual chicken take out and cereal.”

“Of course, this restaurant is Michelin starred,” Sungyeol said. “And both the hotel and the restaurant get a very high reputation.”

“Mmm? I wonder if it is true?” Myungsoo asked, his tone a little playful.

“What is true?” Sungyeol asked back, puzzled.

“The hotel reputation,” Myungsoo looked at him pointedly.

“What are you trying to say?” Sungyeol demanded because he was sure Myungsoo was implying something, but he didn’t know what. Myungsoo sighed.

“You’re not really sharp, aren’t you? You’re lucky you’re cute,” he said. Sungyeol was about to protest when Myungsoo pushed the button for hotel lobby. When the door opened, Myungsoo pulled him to the receptionist desk and took his black card out.

Before Sungyeol knew anything, Myungsoo threw him a key card to their room, before greasily winking at him and led the way back to another elevator that would bring them to their room. Out of all rooms, Myungsoo had to choose the suite. Sungyeol didn’t know what to make of this.

Beet red from embarrassment (or excitement?), Sungyeol could do nothing but follow his lover.

-

 

 

“Well, look at that,” Hoya welcomed him when he entered their break room the next day. “Someone’s just got laid.”

“How do you know that?” Sungyeol asked, scrambled to the nearest mirror, afraid that Myungsoo had left some love bites in visible places.

“You’re walking funny,” he said, grinning. “Having a good night?”

Sungyeol blushed. To be honest, last night was rough. Well, rough and wonderful. He was so sore when he woke up he threatened Myungsoo not to get near his ass until weekend. Not that Myungsoo took it seriously.

“Dr. Lee, someone is looking for you,” Minjoon was standing on the door. Was this kid his personal messenger or something? He keeps relaying messages to Sungyeol.

Sungyeol thought it was Myungsoo (who else, really?), teasing him during work, so he clenched his fist before striding out of the room.

“Not even five hours since I met him and he’s already here? Such insatiable beast. I’ll let him know that I mean it serious about this morning,” he muttered under his breath.

“Uuuh, Dr. Lee,” Minjoon interrupted, looked tense and uncomfortable hearing Sungyeol’s muttering. “It’s not your boyfriend. It’s… the Korean intelligent agency.”

Sungyeol abruptly stopped in his track.

“Korean what?” he turned to his resident.

“Intelligent agency,” Minjoon answered.

“But why would they want to meet me?” he raised his eyebrows to Minjoon, who shrugged.

“I think it’s about your missing patient.”

Sungyeol’s heart skipped a beat. _What is this? Do they find out about Myungsoo?_

All he could remember now was that black card Myungsoo had used to pay for their room last night. Stupid Myungsoo and stupid himself. He should’ve known better than to let Myungsoo used that card.

And Myungsoo was supposed to pick him up today from work when he finished his shift.

“Do they need me now?” Sungyeol asked.

“What do you think?” Minjoon said dryly. Sometimes Sungyeol wants to teach that kid some manner.

“Where are they waiting?”

“The Chief’s room.”

Sungyeol walked deliberately slowly, trying to buy time as much as possible to reconstruct explanation. Not that he would lie, but he would not say anything that might harm Myungsoo. He knocked Sunggyu’s door and entered when he heard his chief call him.

“Dr. Lee, these men from the Agency wanted to talk to you about that missing patient,” Sunggyu greeted him when he entered the room. There were two men sitting in front of him.

“Hello, Doc. My name’s Pyo,” the one closest to him offered him his hand. Sungyeol tried his best not to look nervous and accepted it.

“Lee Sungyeol.”

“Is it true that a month ago you treated a wounded patient without identity? Can you tell us about that man?”

“It was a month and a half ago. He was in his late 20,” Sungyeol said. “I didn’t pay much attention to his face, because it was covered by blood.”

“Can you describe the wounds?”

“Multiple stabs,” Sungyeol said. “One gunshot wound on his right lung. I pulled it out and fixed his lung.”

“And he just went away only an hour after the surgery.”

“I got a trouble when I chose to operate on him instead of the Mayor,” Sungyeol said. “So naturally I wanted to check on the patient who sent me this trouble, right? I asked a nurse where his room is, she gave me the number, but nobody’s there.”

“It wasn’t because of the wrong room?”

“We asked all of our staffs to sweep the building from the rooftop to the basement, Sir. We can’t find him. Not at all.”

The two agents were looking at him with sharp eyes, trying to gauge if he is saying the truth. Sungyeol bravely met their eyes, and regretted it. They seemed to have a way stare the truth out of someone’s mouth.

“We would like to get all the files about this missing patient, Dr. Lee. Can you provide us with them?” the other agent said.

“Sure,” Sungyeol nodded. “I’ll collect them first. Can you wait? It shouldn’t take me more than an hour.”

“Alright, then we’ll interview the other nurses that handle this case that night while we wait,” they nodded to them before leaving the room.

 

Sungyeol made sure that the door was closed perfectly before leaning toward Sunggyu.

“Hyung,” he whispered. “Can I ask you a favor?”

Sunggyu eyed him suspiciously. “Depends,” he said.

“Do you still remember Sungjong’s address?”

Sunggyu nodded. “I still have it in my phone, I think.”

“Can you go there, and tell him that I can’t hang out tonight because the Agency wanted to meet me? Tell him that they’re looking for my missing patient and I have to help them.”

“But they don’t want you to stay for them until night, I don’t think you need to cancel your appointment with Sungjong,” Sunggyu frowned.

“Just tell him for me, Hyung. Okay?”

“Why can’t you do it yourself?”

Sungyeol couldn’t take that risk. Who knew if one of those agents was tailing him and his movement?

“Can you do this and not ask question?”

“I really don’t like this. You never hide things from me, Sungyeol. But who is this Kim L person? Who is this Lee Sungjong? They just suddenly popped up into your life and suddenly you’re asking me an unusual request when the Agency came.”

“You’re thinking too far, Hyung. I promise you they’re not like that. But please, can you go? You need to be quick.”

-

 

 

“Well?” he demanded right when Sunggyu arrived at his room. The whole time Sunggyu gone, he invited himself into his Chief of Surgery’s office to avoid the other nosy residents. People were starting to forget about Myungsoo already, but the Agency coming had made the dying fire sparked again. Why did everything have to change when it was well enough as it is?

Not to mention those agents were still lurking in the hallways, side eyeing all of the doctors, nurses, and staffs with calculating eyes. Sungyeol had sent Hongbin to deliver the missing patient’s files to Agent Pyo so he wouldn’t have to meet him again.

Whatever Sungjong had told Sunggyu, it was enough to convince the elder that they weren’t dangerous people, Sungyeol could see that there were caution and carefulness on Sunggyu’s eyes, but not distrust.

“Sungjong understands,” Sunggyu told him. “You can hang out next time, he’s fine with that.”

“Only that? Do you meet L?”

“No, Sungjong said he was out when I visited.”

Sungyeol bit his lips but in the end he could only say thanks.

“Will you be okay tonight?” Sunggyu looked at him worriedly. “You seem concerned.”

“I’ll be fine. You go home and rest, Hyung. Your shift will be over in thirty minutes, right?”

“If you want me here, I can stay.”

“No need, no need,” Sungyeol waved his hands.

-

 

 

Whether it was coincidence or not, the hospital was rather quiet and calm that night. No patient under Sungyeol’s care relapsing and even the ER was manageable. It was good that there were less people getting injured or sick that night, but Sungyeol wished there was something he could focus his mind on.

He didn’t even leave the break room unless it was patient-related business. He was suspicious that the agents were still scattering around the hospital.

Sungjong had said to him through Sunggyu not to worry, they could meet again next time. Sungyeol scoffed. Did Sungjong really think two short sentences could appease him?

The situation was dangerous. Sungyeol’s heart never slowed from beating faster than usual since afternoon. He was afraid. If they caught Myungsoo, would they send him back to his old employer? What kind of punishment they would give him? Would they force Myungsoo to kill again?

He wanted nothing but to end his shift and drove to Astoria, making sure himself that Myungsoo was still there. He wanted to meet the other desperately, held his hands and embraced him so he would be hidden from these people. But any move from him would only endanger Myungsoo so he was forced to pretend like nothing happened in front of everybody.

“Sunbae? Oh, finally I found you,” someone entered the break room. Sungyeol looked up and saw Mijoo.

“Hi Mijoo, what’s up?” he wondered why she was looking for him. Mijoo was not the resident in his team, she was Hoya’s. Was there any emergency and she was sent to get him? But she didn’t look flustered or in hurry.

“I’ve got a message for you,” Mijoo said, noticing Sungyeol’s confusion. This made Sungyeol jumped from his seat so quickly, making the resident stepped backward in surprise.

“Let me see!” Sungyeol approached the younger. “From whom?”

“It said from Sungjong. Isn’t he your boyfriend?” she fiddled with her phone for a while before showing it to the older surgeon. “But why did you tell him my number? You’ve got your phone back a long time ago.”

Sungyeol didn’t answer, instead reading the message on the phone.

_Please relay this to Sungyeol. When your shift’s over, I’ll pick you up in the same place we went last night? Sungjong._

Sungyeol knew this was not Sungjong. This was Myungsoo and this was some kind of code. Thankfully, he knew what the other meant. His shift finished at 10.30 and the place they went last night was obviously Skye suite room, but since Myungsoo was picking him up and he couldn’t get out of here without being followed by the Agency, he was sure that Myungsoo wanted to meet at the hospital rooftop.

“Do you know if he got any cute junior lawyer he can introduce to me?” Mijoo asked hopefully as she received her phone back. Sungyeol suddenly remembered his own resident Seulgi and her crush for this one tall girl.

“Don’t date a lawyer, Mijoo. Both of you will have hectic working hours and you don’t even work in the same place. It won’t work,” he gave his own resident a help in the pretense of giving the other resident a piece of his advice. Mijoo pouted.

“But you date a lawyer yourself!” she accused.

“Actually, I don’t date Sungjong,” Sungyeol said, serious.

“Then why did he send you a message like that?”

“Just trust me, a surgeon and a lawyer won’t work. Date another surgeon instead, preferably from the same hospital, like Woohyun and Hoya,” he said.

“But there wasn’t anyone worth dating in this hospital,” Mijoo pouted. Sungyeol had to agree, but Seulgi was honestly an exception.

“Do you know Seulgi from my team? I think she is great and you’ll look good together,” he said. Mijoo blushed.

“No way. She would never spare a glance to me. Seulgi is pretty, talented, and popular. All of the men and women in this hospital will line up for her.”

“Hey, if you promise me not to tell any other soul about the text from Sungjong, I’ll let you in one of my surgery along with her next time,” Sungyeol winked. Mijoo squealed.

“You will? You really will? Alright! Deal!” she jumped in joy. Sungyeol made her promise once again and shooed her away.

“Wait, Mijoo. Are the people from Agency still lurking around?”

“I don’t think so,” Mijoo answered. “At least not in this corridor because this is doctor’s office, you know.”

Sungyeol spent the rest of his time researching about one of his newest patient’s treatment options. When the clock struck 10.30, he carefully got out of the break room, stopping once on the bathroom to make sure none were following him.

From the toilet, he slipped himself to the elevator to ride until the top floor and climbed up the stairs to the rooftop.

It was dark and quiet, and he wondered if the text before was really from Myungsoo when a voice startled him.

“I’m here,” Myungsoo said. Sungyeol turned around. Myungsoo was once again wearing black head to toe, and if he didn’t move on purpose to show himself to Sungyeol, Sungyeol would never find him.

“Myungsoo,” Sungyeol threw himself into the other’s embrace. “You shouldn’t have come here. What if they are still around? And how did you climb up here anyway without them noticing?”

“I’m better than them,” Myungsoo said. Sungyeol felt his lips formed a smirk from the way it brushed his cheek.

“How do they even know that you are in this town, Myungsoo? Was it the card you use yesterday for the hotel? I should’ve not let you pay. I knew it,” Sungyeol whispered.

“I doubt it is from the card. They must have followed the information about unidentifiable missing patient that time,” Myungsoo told him. “But they still don’t find any concrete evidence about me so you don’t have to worry.”

Sungyeol nodded, feeling relieved. Hugging Myungsoo like this made everything better.

“However,” Myungsoo added quietly, his voice was in the wrong tone.

“However?” Sungyeol asked, suspicious suddenly raised in his head.

“It’s still too risky for me to stay here,” Myungsoo told me. Sungyeol stiffened.

“Are you leaving?”

“I think I should,” Myungsoo said. “For several months. Until everything is normal again.”

“Where are you going?”

“Eastern Europe,” Myungsoo answered. “I’m leaving tonight.”

Sungyeol’s mind was full. Why did his life always change direction so abruptly? Just yesterday he finally enjoyed a new level of intimate with Myungsoo and this night Myungsoo was leaving for Eastern Europe, for months at least or even years, if the condition didn’t improve.

“Yeol? I’m really sorry,” Myungsoo noticed Sungyeol’s silence and broke it. His voice was full of guilt. “I would never be able to give you a normal date, it seems.”

Sungyeol felt extremely sad to be separated from Myungsoo for indefinite time, but he knew he’d prefer the other to be faraway but safe rather than close but in danger.

“Of course you would be able to,” Sungyeol said. “Later, when the situation gets less dangerous, you’ll take me to another proper date like yesterday.”

“I’m really sorry for this,” Myungsoo whispered.

“Hey, don’t be,” Sungyeol said. “I’ll wait for you, okay? So, keep yourself safe when you’re there.”

They didn’t let each other go for five more minutes. Nobody talked, either. They just enjoyed being in each other’s arms, because they didn’t know how long they would be separated.

“Will you at least contact me from there?” Sungyeol asked finally. Myungsoo didn’t answer.

“I’ll see what I can do,” Myungsoo said. “Maybe not in the few days, or weeks, but later I’ll try to contact you, okay? For a while, I want you to be uninvolved as much as possible.”

“What time will you leave?” Sungyeol asked, trying to hold his sniffling.

“In one minute,” Myungsoo said. Only then he loosened his hug and cupped Sungyeol’s face instead, guiding their lips to meet.

The kiss lasted too short, knowing how much longer they will be separated after this.

Then the light on the rooftop turned on and Sungyeol felt his heart almost stopped breathing out of surprise.

“Fuck,” he cursed, abruptly breaking their kiss. There must be an emergency patient coming with a helicopter. There would be doctors climbed the stairs. Myungsoo had to leave, now, but how? Maybe they should hide, but there was nowhere to do so.

“It’s okay,” Myungsoo chuckled. “It’s just Sungjong.”

“Sungjong?” Sungyeol didn’t understand.

“I’m sorry, we kind of borrow your hospital’s helipad for my escape,” Myungsoo said. “Look, that’s Sungjong.”

Myungsoo pointed at a helicopter coming closer to them. Sungyeol could hardly believe what he saw.

“You mean Sungjong’s piloting the helicopter?” he asked, jaw dropped.

“Yeah,” Myungsoo said. “He’s amazing, that boy. Can you believe he’s actually younger than us?”

“Is he?” Sungyeol could only exclaimed in disbelief.

The helicopter was above them right now, preparing to land. The wind from its copter blew Sungyeol’s hair and coat. In the pilot seat, Sungjong waved hand at him and gestured to Myungsoo to come in.

“How does he do all of these?” Sungyeol asked, more to himself. “From where did he get the helicopter? How could he even control the lighting for this helipad? When and where did he learn that?”

Myungsoo chuckled.

“I’ll answer that in our next Ten Questions session, okay?” he offered his pinky finger. Sungyeol smiled, his eyes got teary again, but he linked his own pinky finger with Myungsoo’s.

“Promise me there will be next Ten Questions,” he said.

“I promise,” Myungsoo said and he kissed him once again.

Sungyeol tried to engrave the softness of Myungsoo’s lips, the bittersweet taste of the kiss, and even the hand in his chin and neck, but the kiss was over far too soon. Myungsoo flashed him a sad smile, and then climbed into the seat next to Sungjong. They waved again and in no longer than a minute, the helicopter had vanished.

The lighting turned off as sudden as when it turned on, and Sungyeol was left alone, in the darkness.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the ending feels so DOTS-y, even if it's really not in my intention to do so /sorry/


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I rewrote some parts of this chapter, that's why it took time
> 
> I keep breaking my promise about update T_T //sorry// 
> 
> I've learned my lesson, I won't promise again 
> 
> On a lighter note: yay, new relationship tag

 

 

 

 

Sungyeol left the helipad not long after. It felt awfully cold and lonely up there without Myungsoo. He went back downstairs carefully to avoid any unwanted questions. Meanwhile, in his own head he had other questions of his own. Would they have a future together? Would Myungsoo ever come back? What could he do to save their future?

In the morning, Sunggyu cornered him in the locker room. His shift just ended half an hour ago and he was preparing himself to go home when he saw Sunggyu’s figure and he could only groan in distaste.

“Didn’t you go home yesterday?”

“No, an emergency happened.”

“Can’t you give me some time to construct my explanation?”

“I gave you all night,” Sunggyu eyed him from head to toe, as if he could understand the situation better by doing so.

“I need more time,” Sungyeol whined.

“I’ll drive you home and we’ll have breakfast on the way. You can tell me everything about it then,” Sunggyu said, before leaving him to change in his own office. “Wait for me in the lobby.”

They left the hospital in Sunggyu’s car ten minutes later, stopping in a café. Sungyeol ordered himself a cup of Americano and chicken sandwich.

“So?” Sunggyu demanded.

“What do you want to know?” Sungyeol spoke without swallowing his food first. Hopefully Sunggyu would be disgusted enough and let him out soon.

“Why is our fucking national intelligent agency looking for your boyfriend? Is he a criminal?”

“No,” Sungyeol quickly said. When Myungsoo killed people, he was working in the side of the law. And he did no such thing when he was rogue, except killing Sungyeol’s assaulter and the police that visited him back then had told him that it can be counted as self defense.

“Then what’s the problem between your boyfriend and that agency? Who is he? What’s his job?”

Sungyeol was starting to get annoyed when someone pulled another chair and slid himself down between the two of them. “I hope I’m not interrupting.”

“Sungjong!” Sungyeol exclaimed, surprised. “Aren’t you supposed to be in Europe? You have to hide with L.”

“He has to hide, I don’t,” Sungjong corrected. “Also I have to talk to you and sort out this situation.”

 “We can talk later,” Sungyeol offered, sneaking a look at Sunggyu to see his reaction about this interruption. Strangely, he didn’t look displeased.

“It’s okay,” Sungjong waved his concern and turned his eyes to Sunggyu. “He can stay, listen, and even ask questions.”

“Are you sure?” Sungyeol bit his lips.

“Thank you,” Sunggyu cut before he could say anything more. “Because I do have some questions for you, seeing that you are involved in this seemingly dangerous relationship between my brother and his boyfriend.”

Sungjong raised his eyes in question. Sungyeol didn’t blame him; Sunggyu rarely called him his brother, so he must be really concerned about him this time.

“Please go on with your question, although I hope you can explain to me first what you mean by ‘dangerous relationship’,” Sungjong smiled.

“Just yesterday, intelligent agency came to our hospital looking for someone. That someone turned out to be my brother’s boyfriend, and he even asked me to tell you so you can hide him before the agency find out. You see, it’s enough to stamp his relationship as dangerous. I want you to tell me who is this L and who are you as well.”

Sungjong looked at Sungyeol. “You didn’t even tell him his real name?”

“How could I tell him? Isn’t it a secret?” Sungyeol asked him back.

“Why would he even hide his real name?” Sunggyu interrupted again, this time looked slightly more displeased.

“Myungsoo,” Sungjong started. “That’s L’s real name. Kim Myungsoo. He was a secret agent for Korea’s Intelligent Agency, Hyung. However, he didn’t like working there so he ran away five years ago. He had been a rogue secret agent since then, until he met Sungjong and started working in his pharmacy here in Jeonju.”

Sungyeol looked carefully at Sunggyu’s expression, wondering if that was enough explanation for him.

“I’m not stupid,” Sunggyu said sharply. “There’s more to that, isn’t it? If he didn’t like working there, why didn’t he just quit like other people instead of run away?”

 _Because he was a specially trained assassin who had been dubbed as Monster and the agency would never want to lose such agent_ , Sungyeol thought. Of course, he would never let this fact out to Sunggyu.

“The agency won’t let him. He knows too much,” Sungjong answered.

“And he hasn’t been captured for five years, exactly how?” Sunggyu narrowed his eyes. “Was he a high ranking agent?”

“No,” Sungyeol said at the same time Sungjong answered, “Yes.”

They looked at each other, Sunggyu’s glare intensified. “Well?”

“He was one of the best in his field,” Sungjong said, ignoring Sungyeol’s gape. “That’s part of why they don’t let go of him easily.”

“And you!” Sunggyu finally snapped and looked at Sungjong. “Who are you? Why do you know all of this?”

“Me?” Sungjong looked at Sunggyu surprised, eyes widen in exaggeration, aiming for innocent look but failing spectacularly. “I’m just a pharmacist.”

 _Yeah, a pharmacist that can sew wounds and pilot helicopter as well as arrange Myungsoo a hiding place in Eastern Europe_ , Sungyeol thought. _But he couldn’t act to save his life._

Sunggyu carefully looked at the both of them, deciding whether they were lying to him or not. He didn’t say anything for some time, but Sungyeol didn’t know if it means he trusted them or if he decided to simply not calling them for that.

“And then, what next?” Sunggyu asked, this time the question was directed to Sungyeol.

“What?” Sungyeol asked him back, confused.

“Well, your boyfriend is chased by the agency and has gone into hiding. So, what’s next? Are you going to break up with him or wait for him?”

“Of course I’m not breaking up with him!” Sungyeol answered, offended. “Do you think I’m such a coward that I’ll leave him when he is in such difficult position?”

“And you will wait for him until when? Will he even come back? Will the agency even stop looking for him?”

“No, I will not wait either. I will save him!” Sungyeol said resolutely. Sunggyu snorted.

“Save him? Sungyeol, what do you even know about what secret agent does?”

Sungyeol had to blush a little at Sunggyu’s comeback because that was right, he didn’t know shit about that. He just spontaneously said that, although he meant it when he wanted to save Myungsoo.

“That’s where I come in,” Sungjong interrupted them. “I’m actually here to tell you this, Sungyeol.”

Sungyeol immediately give him his fullest attention. “You have plan for Myungsoo?”

Sungjong nodded.

“What is it?” Sungyeol asked. “Can I help?”

“No,” Sungjong said. “No offense, Sungyeol. But this plan doesn’t have any need for surgeon. I’m just telling you so you can put your mind in ease.”

“Thank you for your concern over my state of mind,” Sungyeol commented. “Can you at least tell me what it is?”

“I’m planning to give Myungsoo a new identity,” Sungjong said. “Like FBI’s Witness Protection Program, where they change someone’s identity to a completely new one. Except I’ll make it so Myungsoo doesn’t have to leave Korea for that.”

“Does that mean he had lives without identity since he ran away?” Sunggyu asked.

“That’s right,” Sungjong answered. “He gets everything he needs from me, so he doesn’t really need any identity.”

Sungyeol knew it’s not the right time or place but he felt a little jealous from that statement, although he kind of felt thankful too because if it was Sungjong, then Myungsoo could be saved. They talked about Sungjong’s plan for a while. Sungjong didn’t reveal much of it, but he had promised to update Sungyeol with every progress.

“Is that why he ran away from the hospital that night?” Sunggyu asked, more to himself.

“You knew it was him?” Sungyeol looked at Sunggyu, surprised.

“I didn’t know back then, but I can connect the dots now,” he smirked. “But how do you plan to make a new identity for L?”

“You can call him Myungsoo,” Sungjong said. “And I have connection for this plan. I can pull some strings. I’ll make it thorough as well, so you don’t need to worry.”

“Just a pharmacist, yeah,” Sunggyu smirked again. “Now we need to talk about you as well, Kim Sungjong.”

There was a beat of silence.

“He is Lee Sungjong, Hyung,” Sungyeol sighed.

Sunggyu pretended like he wasn’t blushing, although even the tip of his ears was as red as the tomato in Sungyeol’s sandwich. “Is that so,” he said as if he didn’t just mistaking someone’s name. “Well then Sungyeol, why don’t you go home first? I have some matter to talk with Sungjong.”

“What talk?” Sungyeol got instantly curious. “Why don’t you want me to hear you talk?”

“This doesn’t concern you,” Sunggyu said. “Or Myungsoo. You don’t have to worry.”

Sungyeol looked at Sunggyu questioningly, because do Sunggyu and Sungjong even have mutual problem to talk about if not about Sungyeol and Myungsoo? Sunggyu didn’t elaborate further, though, so Sungyeol shifted his eyes to Sungjong. The pharmacist’s glare had been softened into amusement and… fondness?

“But you said you’ll drive me home.”

“You’re a grown man, Sungyeol. You can get your ass back to your own home without me, can’t you?”

Sungyeol flipped him a finger.

“You know, Hyung, if you want to flirt with him, you should at least know his _full name_ ,” he smirked and walked away, leaving Sunggyu spluttered with denial.

-

 

It was hard to adjust living without Myungsoo. They hadn’t spent that long of time together but Sungyeol felt unbearably lonely when he arrived home and there was nobody waiting for him. It made him reluctant to go home, preferring to spend his free time hanging out with Woohyun and Hoya or simply drinking at D’Cube.

The only thing that kept him sane was Sungjong’s report. The self-proclaimed pharmacist was kind enough to update him frequently about Myungsoo’s condition. They weren’t too detailed, and mostly just along the line of ‘I’ve got him a place to stay’ or ‘I’m 20% finished with the preparation’.

Another thing that changed was Sunggyu. Sungyeol wasn’t sure how, but his chief of surgery was suddenly seem rather close to Sungjong. Lately, Sungyeol often caught him smiling while texting or calling, and once he was able to lay a hand on the elder's phone, there were many logs of Sungjong's call and text in it.

"Come on!" Sunggyu said, putting his hand on Sungyeol's shoulder unceremoniously, making the younger jumped in surprise.

"Come on what, Hyung?"

"Isn't it time to check on news about your boyfriend? I'll drive you to Sungjong," the older shamelessly said.

"I can drive on my own, thank you," Sungyeol snorted. "And it's not like Sungjong keeps me in the dark about Myungsoo either. He called me whenever he made some progress. If you want to meet him, meet him alone!"

"You've finished your shift, haven't you? Just change your clothes and wait on the lobby," Sunggyu didn't wait for his answer before he went to his own office.

Sungyeol gave him a tongue over his retreating back.

Sungyeol was happy for the elder, really. He had been nagged Sunggyu to start dating again, had been convinced him that doing so wasn't a sign of unfaithfulness. So, if Sunggyu was serious with Sungjong, he would be more than happy with it. He'd be even happier if Sunggyu stopped using him as an excuse to visit Sungjong. When would the older man up? He was 34 for God's sake!

They visited Astoria often nowadays, because of Sunggyu and Sungjong's open door policy to them ( _feel free to come anytime_ , the pharmacist had said. Too bad Sunggyu was too much a coward to seize that chance alone and had to drag Sungyeol as an excuse, every time). Today was one of those days. It was two hours before dinner, the pharmacy was still open, although Sungjong was already cleaning up.

"Good afternoon," Sunggyu said, entering the pharmacy, followed by Sungyeol.

"You come again?" Sungjong raised his eyebrows seeing them, but he couldn't hide the smile that was threatening to break.

"Yeollie wants to know the latest info about Myungsoo," Sunggyu said.

"I'm sure I've just texted him about my progress this morning," Sungjong said. "Unless he didn't receive it, I don't think he could be this impatient to inquire for another report less than 12 hours since my last."

"Sungyeollie is impatient," Sunggyu said. "Also, he is kind of hungry and wants to eat that oxtail soup you so expertly made."

"Speak for yourself!" Sungyeol groaned, sitting on one of the bench. "God, I don't want to hear you two flirting," Sungyeol whined.

"Go upstairs," Sungjong helpfully suggested. "You can start preparing some ingredients for me. I'll close the shop in half an hour and catch up."

Sungyeol agreed easily. Anything to escape the whole chaos of bantering/insulting/flirting ensuing between Sunggyu and Sungjong.

-

 

It was summer and the weather was hot and humid. Sungyeol went to the backyard through the back door of the apothecary and found himself stretching among the shrub of white roses, jasmines, and lily of the valleys. The flowers weren't in their freshest condition, although not in the state of wilting either, because Sungjong always took care of everything he owned carefully.

Sungyeol went straight to Myungsoo's bedroom. The first time Sunggyu dragged him there, he had just finished a 48 hour shift and he almost fell asleep standing, so Sungjong sent him to Myungsoo’s bedroom. Sungjong hadn’t changed the sheet and the blanket and Myungsoo’s scent was still left there and it felt like he was still around, so Sungyeol liked it.

He was missing Myungsoo very much. Lying on the bed and forgetting about dinner, Sungyeol imagined what Myungsoo was doing in Eastern Europe. Knowing Myungsoo, maybe he spent his day sleeping or taking photos, wandering around wearing mask and black hoodie. He chuckled at the memory.

Or maybe he met another handsome surgeon there? Maybe he saved him from assault? It was unlikely, but Sungyeol pouted anyway. Myungsoo had never contacted him directly even once and it had been two months, only via Sungjong.

“You jerk,” he said to himself. “Come back soon, before the summer ends.”

His phone vibrated in his pocket and Sungyeol huffed in annoyance. Please, don’t let it be the hospital. Lazily, he reached for the phone and glanced at the contact. Unknown Number.

Sungyeol’s heart beat faster when he realized who it was. Nobody would call him using unknown number, it had to be him.

"Hello?" he answered, hopeful but not too much because he didn’t want to get disappointed.

"Hi," the voice on the other end of the line answered. The nasally tone was a dead giveaway of who it was and Sungyeol’s smile bloomed.

"I miss you," he said. “I miss you so much.”

"You have no idea," Myungsoo said.

He felt a little overwhelmed because there were so many questions he wanted to ask and so many things he wanted to tell and he didn’t know which one to pick or from where to start. He settled with a how are you.

“Dying,” Myungsoo said.

“What?!” Sungyeol leapt from the bed in panic. Sungjong said Myungsoo would be safe?!

“Dying from missing you, Honey.”

“Aish,” Sungyeol cursed, throwing Myungsoo’s bamboo bolster to express his fake annoyance. “I may be missing you very much but it doesn’t mean I have to lower my standard for pick-up line. I’ve just kicked your bamboo bolster to the floor as a punishment.”

“What did you do to my wifey?!” Myungsoo demanded. “Wait, my bamboo bolster?”

“Wait, your what? You call this sad bamboo your wife? Myungsoo, how pathetic!”

“Are you in my room?”

"Yes,” Sungyeol said. “Specifically, I’m on your bed, burying myself in your pillow because it still smells like you."

"God, don't remind me of how much I miss my bed," Myungsoo groaned.

"Just the bed?" Sungyeol teased.

"Especially the bed," Myungsoo teased back. “Well, that and also…”

“Also…?” Sungyeol prompted, enjoying the flirting.

 “And also the wifey too,” Myungsoo laughed. Even far away in Eastern Europe there, he still laughed while clapping like a seal.

"Hey!" Sungyeol yelled, offended. “Why do you miss your bed more than you miss your boyfriend?”

“Well, because my boyfriend is sleeping on it. That’s why I miss it."

“Myungsoo, what did I say about bad pick up line?” Sungyeol threatened, although he was dying to hold his laughter.

“Oh, come on! You’re laughing! You love it!”

Sungyeol _did_ love it. Myungsoo didn’t have to know.

"Do you know why I am here?" he changed the subject.

"Why?" Myungsoo took the bait.

“Because currently, Sungjong is shamelessly flirting with Sunggyu downstairs."

Myungsoo laughed again. Sungyeol also loved his laugh.

"He's something else, your brother. Only few persons can manage to get on his nerves without getting castrated. Sungjong complains about him to me every time we talk, he thinks it was my fault that your brother is in his life now.”

Sungyeol snorted. "Is he blaming you or thanking you? It certainly doesn't look like their flirting is one sided."

"No one could ever make Sungjong lose his cool until today, actually," Myungsoo agreed. "Also, despite his complain, he never sends him away, I think your brother has managed to make Sungjong like him. That’s no mean feat. Tell him that he has a chance."

"I’ll tell him he’ll have a chance once he grows a ball to confess and stop dragging me here as an excuse."

"But I like him using you as excuse," Myungsoo said. “Because then you can spend time on my bed, thinking about me."

"I'll tell you what, I think about you even when I'm not on your bed. I think about you all the time."

"I know," Myungsoo said. "Because I think about you all the time too."

That made Sungyeol back to sentimental mode. “I really miss you,” he said. "You should go home before summer ends. It's so good here during summer. The garden looks so white with all the flowers blooming."

"I hope I can,” Myungsoo tells him sadly. “It all depends on Sungjong’s plan.”

They talk more about nothing – mundane routine, Korean food Myungsoo missed the most, what Sungyeol wants Myungsoo to bring him from there – for half an hour, before they fell into a comfortable silent. Sungyeol felt content just by listening to Myungsoo’s breath on the other end of the line.

"Are you asleep?" Myungsoo asked quietly.

"No. I just feel really content. I’m lying on your bed, listening to you talking, and it's also warm and sunny outside. I’ve never feel like this for a long time. Not since you left."

"Should I sing you a song?" Myungsoo asked again.

"You can sing?" Sungyeol asked excitedly.

"Of course I can!" Myungsoo sounded offended.

"Sorry, you just never brought it up. What song is it?"

"I forgot the title. Summer something. It’s from a group called Infinite."

"Myungsoo, you listen to idol group?" Sungyeol had to hold his laughter.

“Sungjong does,” he corrects him. “He plays girl group song in loop on speaker all the time. Infinite is the only boy group he listens, so I know them.”

Myungsoo cleared his throat and started to sing. His voice was surprisingly nice, and sometimes when he forgot the lyric he would hum instead of sing and his humming is nice too. Sungyeol listened attentively, closing his eyes to savor the experience in the best way possible.

“Myungsoo, your voice is really soothing. I’ll have a good dream in my sleep after listening to you,” he praised him when he finished.

“Then go sleep,” Myungsoo said. “I’ll sing you to it.”

-

 

 

When he woke up, it was already dark outside. He thought about how long he had been sleeping. He checked his phone. Myungsoo had ended the call hours ago. Apparently, now it was 3 AM. He inhaled and stretched his body. He slept so good this time, he felt so refreshed.

There were noises in the kitchen and his throat felt dry so he stood up and went to the kitchen to fetch some water. He walked softly to the kitchen and stopped before reaching the door when he heard that Sungjong wasn’t alone.

“…considering they shared some kind of history. How can they even meet again? Is this a makjang drama or something?” Sungjong’s companion, a woman, said. “It will blow up one day. It’s dangerous, I don’t like it.”

“Neither do I,” Sungjong agreed. “But this is what he wants and I know this is good for him. I’ve been risking my life all this time, I don’t mind taking another risk.”

“You’re underestimating them, Oppa,” she said again. “You’re the most brilliant man I’ve ever met, I’ll give you that. But you’re alone and they’re a whole institution, backed by the government.”

“I’m not alone, Yein-ah. I’ve got you all. And Myungsoo’s not bad either. Remember, he is M1.”

“Yes, but those people you’re involving aren’t,” her tone changed. “Out of ten million people in Seoul you had to choose them? I’m really surprised you let them get this far. If I don’t know you better, I’d say you’re losing your –“ she stopped abruptly and the conversation halted for a minute.

“Sungyeol?” he heard Sungjong called him. Sungyeol shifted uncomfortably, apparently they knew he was here. Awkwardly, he stepped inside the kitchen, trying to look like he didn’t hear much (and he didn’t, really).

"Did we wake you up?" Sungjong asked, greeted him when he appeared.

"No," Sungyeol said, telling the truth. “I’m thirsty.”

"It's time for me to leave as well, Oppa," the girl said, standing up.  

"Of course. Thanks for everything, Yein-ah."

The girl – Yein – nodded to Sungyeol before leaving, Sungyeol nodded back. When there were only the two of them in the kitchen, Sungyeol looked around.

"Where is Sunggyu Hyung?"

"He left after dinner," Sungjong answered, taking Yein’s cup to the sink.

"Left?” Sungyeol asked in disbelief. “So typical of him, leaving me on my own after he got what he wants!”

"I think he actually even forgot that he came here with you."

Sungyeol sat down on the chair Yein previously used with a huff. "Who was that?"

"A girl I know," Sungjong said. “Are you hungry? You want me to warm the soup?”

Sungyeol nodded and Sungjong set to work. Observing him from behind, Sungyeol thought Sungjong didn’t look like a rogue agent. Myungsoo had this aura that could make people pee on the spot, whereas Sungjong’s aura was more… transparent? It wasn’t that Sungyeol thought Sungjong was less skilled than Myungsoo, in fact, maybe Sungjong was even better because he was able to hide his presence completely.

“Myungsoo will be really upset to know that you’ve been checking me out secretly,” Sungjong told him as he turned around.

"I’m not checking you out,” Sungyeol defended himself. “I’m just thinking… you're really not going to tell me about yourself, aren't you?"

Sungjong poured the soup into a bowl and put it in front of Sungyeol, before taking a seat himself.

"No," he said. "It would just be inconvenient for both you and me. Beside, whatever I am won't affect our relationship, Sungyeol, believe me this."

"I know,” Sungyeol said. It was true in the case of Sungyeol and Sungjong, but he was wondering about the relationship between the pharmacist and Sunggyu. They look like they were serious with each other, and while it was none of Sungyeol's business, he'd be more relieved if Sunggyu and Sungjong were honest with each other. He was speaking from experience.

"Sungjong, are you serious about Sunggyu Hyung?" he finally asked. Sungjong didn’t seem fazed at all with this direct question.

"It depends on the definition of serious,” Sungjong said.

“Serious like… Myungsoo and I?” Sungyeol tried. “With feeling involved, and future as well.”

“You have your future with Myungsoo already discussed?” Sungjong raised his eyebrow.

“No, not really,” Sungyeol said. “But we both know that we want this to last forever. I know that Myungsoo isn’t just a fling, and from what he told me, I know it’s the same with Myungsoo.”

“Then… I think we’re half serious,” Sungjong said. “I know this isn’t a fling, but I have a lot of consideration to think about before deciding this. I like your brother, I really do. That’s why I don’t really want him to get involved in my world. And before you blame me, I think your brother is only half serious as well. He still feels he is betraying his ex.”

Sungyeol’s eyes widen.

"Sunggyu Hyung already told you about Dongwoo-Hyung?"

“Myungsoo told me about him too,” Sungjong said, gaze suddenly becoming distant. “Honestly, he made me feel somewhat insecure. I would never compare to him.”

“But then what will you say to him if he ask you who you are?”

“Then I’ll tell him,” Sungjong said. “But only if he asks, and so far he never asks.”

“Not even once? Not even hinted about it?”

“I know you’re concerned because this happened between you and Myungsoo, right?” Sungjong asked. “But different people uphold different value. Maybe Sunggyu thinks my explanation is enough. Maybe it helps that I have it easier than Myungsoo, I don’t kill people, you know? I’m not called a monster.”

Sungyeol bit his lower lips.

"Sunggyu Hyung doesn't look like it, but he saved me and my brother when we need it the most. He is a precious person to me. Maybe kind of like you to Myungsoo. So, even though he’s really annoying sometimes, I still love him like a real brother," he started.

"Is this your way to say 'if you hurt him I'll hurt you more’?" Sungjong cut him.

"This is my way to say 'if he hurt you, I'll beat a sense into him’."

Sungjong chuckled before going for big laughter.

"But, if you're going to be serious with him, I won’t let you do something that will hurt him."

Not like Sungyeol would be able to fight Sungjong, but that's not the point. At least he's better than Sungjong at sewing people back up.

“Our relationship is tangled in a very weird way. Just four months ago I gave you this kind of speech in that crappy bar and now here you are, in my kitchen, telling me the same,” Sungjong laughed again. “But I like this development.”

Sungyeol laughed as well. “I like it too.”

Sungjong looked at Sungyeol, his gaze softening.

“Dealing with people like us is not easy, right? I’m sorry that there have been a lot of secrecy and misunderstanding,” he said. “Will you promise me that you’ll take care of him, Sungyeol? That you will never leave him before you listen to his explanation like you did before?”

“Of course,” Sungyeol said. “I would never.”  

-

 

 

Eight months without Myungsoo passed slowly, but Sungyeol kept his promise to wait. He still did his job in the hospital amazingly. Each day he waited for Myungsoo’s call. He kept bothering Sungjong to give him the rogue agent’s number, but each time Sungjong always refused.

When the wait was over, it was already spring. Sungjong had waited for him once again in the hospital lobby, right when Sungyeol and Sunggyu’s shift were over. He ran to Sungjong, expecting that something was wrong, but he smiled brightly at them.

“Quick, change your clothes, Doctors,” he greeted both of them. “We’re going to the airport.”

“Airport? Right now?” Sunggyu was a bit confused but Sungyeol knew it right away.

“Is he home?”

Sungjong smiled, pretending to check his watch. “In thirty minutes.”

“Let’s go!”

They scrambled to the familiar black sedan (which was Sungjong’s, by the way, not Myungsoo’s, even if it was black).

“Can’t you go faster?” he urged Sungjong, unable to keep himself still.

“Even if I go faster, the airplane won’t land any faster, stupid,” Sungjong rolled his eyes and Sunggyu laughed at them.

“Is everything really okay, Sungjong? Has they stopped looking for him?”

“According to my informant, yes,” Sungjong said. “They believed that he was dead in Egypt. So, he should be okay now, as long as he was careful.”

“I’ll make sure of that,” Sungyeol promised.

When Myungsoo got out of the gate, he was looking thin and gaunt, but his smile was blinding. He saw them right away and the first thing he did was hugging Sungyeol so tight he might burst from the pressure. Sungyeol welcomed the strength, though, because it had been too long since the last time he touched Myungsoo.

“I missed you so much,” he whispered.

“I missed you more,” Sungyeol whispered back.

They separated only after Sunggyu cleared his throat, and Myungsoo was a bit sheepish when he finally met Sunggyu formally. Thankfully, Sunggyu’s scrutiny didn’t last long because Sungjong quickly led them back to his car.

“You don’t bring anything else?” Sungyeol asked Myungsoo, who didn’t seem to push any trolley or carrying any suitcase. The only bag he brought was his black backpack, and it didn’t even look full.

“Why would I?” he asked Sungyeol. “All I need is beside me right now.”

Sungyeol slapped his back for being too cheesy, but he grinned, because Myungsoo was home. His lover was home.

He was alive, safe, and home.

-

 

 

Sungyeol woke up when Myungsoo rolled himself on top of him. He found himself smiling when he found the handsome man’s face right next to his.

“You know I hate it very much when Sunggyu or Dongwoo Hyung woke me up by sitting on my stomach. But when it is you, I don’t mind,” he told the sleeping Myungsoo, ruffling his hair. “Well, maybe if you do it too often I will get annoyed, but for now I want us to be as close as possible.”

Myungsoo didn’t even stir. Sungyeol attacked the other with pecks and kisses, and he still didn’t react. It was adorable how he could be so dead in his sleep.

He was about to push his lover away when he heard Myungsoo sleeptalked.

“Hyung,” Myungsoo said. “Dongwoo Hyung.”

Sungyeol chuckled. “What is Dongwoo Hyung doing in your dream?”

“Thank you,” Myungsoo said.

“What are you thankful for? Does he give us a blessing?” Sungyeol caressed Myungsoo’s cheek. “Man, I must have talked about him a lot if you even dream of him.”

Sungyeol rolled Myungsoo to the other side of the bed before getting up. He got morning shift today and he should prepared himself, although he still wanted to spend more time with Myungsoo. Just a night together won’t be enough to make up for the eight months they had to spent far away from each other.

“Thank you for coming back,” he said softly before pecking Myungsoo’s lips for the last time before going to work. This time, Myungsoo cracked one of his eyes adorably and pouted when he saw Sungyeol already dressed up and ready to go.

“Stay,” he pleaded.

“Can’t,” he chuckled. “I’ve got to go to work, but I promise I’ll be back early.”

“Okay,” Myungsoo let him go. “I trust you not to leave me alone too long.”

“Wouldn’t dream of that,” Sungyeol said.

“And kiss me one more time,” Myungsoo requested. Sungyeol was more than happy to oblige.

 

 

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for taking so long to update and for breaking my promise regarding the update, I'm deeply sorry /bow to the readers in shame/
> 
> but here it is, the update. this is the angst-fest chapter. please enjoy the ride.

 

 

 

 

“Don’t forget the dinner tonight,” he told Sunggyu when they passed each other in the hallway.

“I won’t worry about me,” Sunggyu said. “I’m not the one with a surgery scheduled at 5 pm.”

Dinner at Sungjong was getting more and more frequent. Sunggyu and Sungjong dated each other now – although Sungyeol still wasn’t sure how serious they were – so the idea of double dinner date seemed practical and fun.

Sungyeol finished his surgery at 7 PM and left the hospital at 7.30. Sunggyu left for Sungjong’s house first, the traitor. When Sungyeol parked his car in front of Astoria, Sunggyu’s Ford was already there. He opened the side door, straight to the backyard. It was mid April and the weather is warm. He passed through the hydrangea bush, beds of white roses, and a row of lily of the valley before climbing the metal stair and opened the kitchen door.

“That smells good!” he praised the tasty aroma emanating from inside. Sungjong was standing next to the stove, still stirring something in a pot. Sunggyu was arranging the table.

“Thanks!” Sungjong chirped. “I’m almost done. This is the last sauce for tonight. Can you wake Myungsoo up in his room?”

“What? Why is my boyfriend slacking around when you’re cooking for all of us?” Sungyeol shook his head.

“It’s okay, I chased him out of here earlier, because he kept eating all the raw ingredients,” Sungjong said.

“Are you sure that’s the reason, Jjong? Not because you want to do something naughty while cooking with me?” Sunggyu teased the younger from the dining table.

“What?!” Sungyeol wailed. “What something naughty? Sungjong, you didn’t do something naughty when preparing food for _us,_ right?”

“Don’t listen to him, Sungyeol. He is sulky because I don’t grant him his wish,” Sungjong smirked in lewd expression and Sungyeol suppressed the urge to shudder.

“O…kay then. I’ll just go wake Myungsoo up.”

Despite coming here so often, Sungyeol seldom visited Myungsoo’s room after his lover came back. When they want to spend the night together, they always use Sungyeol’s apartment, because it’s bigger and Sungjong-free.

Sungyeol pushed the door open and peeked inside. Myungsoo was asleep on top of his desk, cheek pressed flat to the table. Sungyeol chuckled. His boyfriend really slept a lot. He poked the other on the cheek, but he didn’t even stir.

“You’re begging to be woken up in unconventional way,” Sungyeol said. “Let’s see what I can do….”

He rummaged through Myungsoo’s drawer to find colored marker (he could draw in his face), or cellotape (he could give him moustache wax), or something else exciting. He found what he was looking for in the first drawer, but he got curious with the content of the other drawers and started to check them. Who knows Myungsoo had condom and lube here. Then maybe they could sneak a quickie before dinner.

The bottom drawer was bigger than the others, but when he pulled it out, it seemed like the inside wasn’t as deep as it suggested outside. Curious, Sungyeol emptied the content to look at the bottom, and found a secret compartment below the board.

He opened it in glee, thinking that he had found Myungsoo’s secret porn collection. However, he was disappointed to see that the contents were merely newspapers. There were five of them, all from the same date and year. 7 April 2011.

Sungyeol froze when he recognized the date. He was familiar with these newspapers. He opened one of them, only to be greeted with a headline he had read over and over again five years ago.  

****

**_Gunshot in Ara-Dong Killed a Shopkeeper_ **

 

Dizzy, he opened the other newspapers and they all had the same headline. Back then, the case had caused quite an uproar so all media always put it on the front page. Sungyeol read one of the articles, feeling so familiar with the content, because he also head read it multiple times before, when he was still trying to gauge the mystery behind Dongwoo’s death.

As he read on, slowly the memory of that fateful day came back. Of Dongwoo smiling brightly on their rooftop house in the morning before Sungyeol went to his class. He has asked Sungyeol to have a dinner at Sunggyu’s tonight, because he was having a dinner with a friend – a handsome customer in his mart that had just moved a month ago.

He remembered that he had fun teasing Dongwoo and Sunggyu about it. For Dongwoo to already have dinner with another handsome guy just a week after his engagement, his soon to be brother-in-law must be rather terrible. He remembered Sunggyu refusing to take him to the university with his car because of that comment, so he had to catch a bus and arrived late for his quiz.

He was so busy that day that he hadn’t even checked his phone or texted Dongwoo. He ignored a call from an unknown number at 5 PM, then Sunggyu’s five minutes later.

Half an hour later, Sunggyu appeared at his lab, quietly told him to pack, and informed him that Dongwoo was involved in an accident.

Sungyeol forgot the detail after that as his mind was too muddled with worry to think properly. He remembered they drove to the hospital and the doctor led them to room where they put Dongwoo, and when he saw that they already covered his brother’s face with the blanket, he screamed.

He pushed the doctors away, pushed the blanket away, shook Dongwoo’s shoulder, clawed on Dongwoo’s arms, screamed to his ears to _wake up_.

Dongwoo always responded to Sungyeol’s call before, whether it was his distressed cry during their childhood or his quiet whisper at night when they were already grown up. He even responded to Sungyeol’s silliest nonsense and replied his texts, no matter how insignificant they were.

But that day, no matter how loud Sungyeol screamed, he didn’t answer. He didn’t even open his eyes. He didn’t even breathe.

It was stray gunshot, they said. There was a nasty gang fight in Ara-Dong, involving guns. Dongwoo who saw the fight from his work place, tried to stop them and got a bullet in his chest instead. It was an instant death.

Sungyeol couldn’t accept that because there is no way Dongwoo would try to stop a gunfight. His brother was kind, yes. Righteous, yes. But he is not stupid. There must be something else. There are too many things that didn’t match.

The fight happened right after Dongwoo’s shift, so he couldn’t have seen the fight from his shop. The police didn’t even found which gangs were responsible for the gunfight. So, Sungyeol insisted that this is not an accident. Not that anybody took him seriously. Even Sunggyu was too deep in grief to fight the police ruling with him.

He investigated about it long after Dongwoo’s death, but there was no clue at all about what happened that evening. He couldn’t even identify the handsome customer that was supposed to meet Dongwoo that night. That bastard should at least come to Dongwoo’s funeral, so he could tell him what actually happened. Who shoot Dongwoo? Why? Why didn’t that man help?

He could only let the matter go slowly after years of research gave him nothing. Together with Sunggyu, he started to build his life again, pouring his effort on his career that they managed to be where they were right now in quite a young age.

But… why did this appear again in front of him right now? And why in Myungsoo’s drawer?

Sungyeol blinked away the tears that unknowingly filled his eyes from the memory of Dongwoo.

Why would Myungsoo collect these newspapers? Did he get curious about Dongwoo after Sungyeol told him about his brother? But these newspapers were from five years ago, it was impossible to get them today.

Under the last newspaper, there was a gun. Sungyeol swallowed the lump in his throat. Of course Myungsoo would have something like this, he was a freaking assassin. This gun’s presence in this room was explainable. It was the newspaper that was more out-of-place.

Sungyeol resisted touching the gun and took the photograph next to it instead. Sungyeol had never seen it before and he closed his mouth with his hand when he saw it. The photograph was of Dongwoo with Myungsoo, smiling cheerfully and making V-sign together in front of the store Dongwoo used to work.

Suddenly he felt anxious. _What is this? What could this be? So Myungsoo knew Dongwoo Hyung? But how?  And why? Why did he never tell Sungyeol about it? Why did he even pretend not to know him?_

Next to the photo was a yellow post it. It contained a handwriting Sungyeol had missed so much for the last five years. _El-yah, of course! Meet you tomorrow for dinner at that café next to the mart. Dongwoo._

Dongwoo even included his usual laughter and smiley face next to his name.

Sungyeol trembled in his anxiety. The white bouquet on Dongwoo’s grave every year, could it be a mere coincidence that the variety of flowers in it is the same with the flowers in Sungjong’s garden?

Right at that time, Myungsoo stirred on his chair.

“Yeol? What are you doing on the floor?” the raven haired man cracked his eyes open and greeted him. He still looked sleepy.

Then he saw what Sungyeol was holding and his eyes snapped open. “What the hell are you doing?” he asked, voice harsh in panic.

"Myungsoo - what? Why do you have a photo of Dongwoo Hyung? You know him?"

Sungyeol uttered those questions in daze. He was frozen in his place. He was confused at first, then he felt hurt. _Myungsoo was the one who is going to meet Dongwoo Hyung in Ara-Dong._ _Dongwoo Hyung’s death was so unexplainable… but Myungsoo was the one who was with him there. And the note. The gun._

Sungyeol felt the pain on his chest so suddenly he doubled over on the floor.

"You knew Dongwoo Hyung!” he accused. “You knew him and you were the one who called him to that place and he died there. What happened, Myungsoo?”

Myungsoo was keeping his silent, he couldn’t even meet Sungyeol’s eyes. Sungyeol was confused and hurt before, but now he was angry.

"Did you shot him with this gun?!" he screamed angrily. “Did you kill him?! Answer me!” he demanded, hitting Myungsoo’s legs to get reaction out of him.

"What happened?!" Sunggyu and Sungjong ran from the kitchen hearing him scream. Sungyeol couldn’t hear them. All he need to hear right now was a confirmation from Myungsoo.

“Tell me!” he shouted to Myungsoo, clutching his pants hysterically. “Tell me why you keep all of this from me! Tell me what happened! Tell me why he died!”

Myungsoo was still, motionless.

“Did you kill him?!” Sungyeol rose to his knees and clutched Myungsoo’s shirt instead. He could feel either Sungjong or Sunggyu trying to pry him from Myungsoo, but he was consumed with pain and rage that he managed to get them off him.

“Answer me, did you kill him?”

Myungsoo still hadn’t answered anything and it was more than a confirmation to Sungyeol. The revelation left him more hurt than angry, and he pushed the ex-assassin until he fell backward, along with his chair.

"You killer!" he cursed, feeling the first drop of tears on his cheek. “You monster!”

Myungsoo was still motionless, not moving even an inch from his position on the floor. Sungjong rushed to his side, looking at both of them with pleading eyes.

"Sungyeol, listen to me. It wasn't like that. Myungsoo didn’t kill Dongwoo," Sungjong pleaded for Myungsoo, eyes panicked. “Myungsoo, tell him what happened!”

For the first time that night, Myungsoo reacted. He chuckled bitterly, still without seeing Sungyeol, and said it.

“That’s right. I killed him.”

Maybe this was how it felt to die, he thought. He felt like a bullet had pierced right through his heart. He felt like dying.

“Myungsoo!” Sungjong looked at him in shock, before looking back at Sungyeol, still with pleading eyes. “That’s not what happened, Sungyeol. Can you listen to me?”

"I told everybody that it was murder," Sungyeol said, voice trembled in pain. "I told them and nobody believed me. I hate them all but this... what you did…. How could you kill him, Myungsoo? How could you do this to me?" he whispered.

"How could you approach me knowing what you've done to my brother?" he stifle a sob. “I hope you die painfully, Myungsoo. The way Dongwoo Hyung did.”

Sungyeol broke free from Sunggyu's grip and ran.

"Sungyeol, wait!"

He ran pass the house, the garden, the front yard. He ignored his car. All he could do was run. He couldn’t stop. He didn’t want to stop and think. It hurt all over. He thought he heard someone chasing him, but he kept running, and soon he lost him.

-

 

 

Sungyeol didn’t even know where he was going. All he knew that he didn’t want to see Myungsoo’s face ever again and that his heart felt like it was pierced with knife. Vaguely, he remembered the pain he got from the City Mayor supported stabbing months ago. That was just a scratched knee, compared to the pain he was feeling right now.

How could it be… Myungsoo….

He remembered trashing the police station when they wouldn’t listen to him that Dongwoo was murdered. It wasn’t accident; Sungyeol knew it from the start. He even trashed Sunggyu’s office in the hospital (he was yet to be the Chief of Surgeon that time) when even Sunggyu accepted police ruling Dongwoo’s case as an accident.

It took him years to finally let go of his suspicion and accept the decision. It took five years of Sunggyu, Woohyun, and Hoya’s combined patient and understanding for Sungyeol to stop feeling angry about it. And then, when he finally accepted that Dongwoo’s death was an accident….

 _That’s right,_ Myungsoo had said. _I killed him._

It was so cruel, what Myungsoo did to him. It was even crueler than him killing Dongwoo. Myungsoo was fishing, and Sungyeol the caught fish. Myungsoo had pulled the sharp hook from his mouth, only to put him on the cutting board.

As if the world was agreeing with him, the rain started to pour. Light at first but soon the sky dumped down the rainwater mercilessly to the world.

He didn’t even wear his shoes. The asphalt felt rough under his bare foot, like that night when Dongwoo brought him away from their foster parent’s house.

“Dongwoo Hyung,” he sobbed.

He cried a lot when he was a kid, he remembered. He cried when that man hit him for talking too loud, whining too much, or breaking too many things. He cried when that woman slap him for talking to the kind grandmother next door or trying to make friends with neighborhoods kids. He cried harder when it was Dongwoo they hit.

The couple who adopted them didn’t even bother to pretend to be kind; they hurt him from the day one. Social care was better nowadays, but there were always some orphanage with worse management, where adoption was seen as opportunity to lessen the orphanage’s burden, so they didn’t bother with careful screening.

Dongwoo and Sungyeol were picked together. Dongwoo was twelve and Sungyeol was seven. Dongwoo and Sungyeol weren’t close in the orphanage – Dongwoo as the older kids had many chores to do and sometimes even helped the orphanage collecting donation, while the younger kids were largely ignored.

But after they were adopted together, it was Dongwoo who takes care of him, protected him, and comforted him. He was the one who read Sungyeol stories, who teach Sungyeol to read, who hug him during his nightmare. He threw himself in front of Sungyeol whenever the abuse started. Sometimes, he pulled Sungyeol to hide in one of the cabinet in the kitchen when the man or the woman was drunk and looking for them.

They stayed with the couple for five years, enduring all kind of abuse.

Dongwoo was seventeen and Sungyeol was twelve when he told him that they would escape from this house. It was a week after Dongwoo’s birthday. In the darkness of their room, Dongwoo showed him his brand new identity card and saving book.

"We're getting out of here, Sungyeol. I finally had an identity and enough money for us to rent a room,” he whispered to the younger.

“Can we really do that?” Sungyeol asked, hopeful and afraid at the same time.

“Of course we can,” Dongwoo said, squeezing his hands. “I’m sorry it took me so long to be able to do this.”

Sungyeol shook his head, telling Dongwoo that he shouldn’t be sorry about that. Dongwoo gave him a thankful smile and presented another paper. It was a torn up map of Korea.

“Look at this,” Dongwoo said, pointing at one point. “This is our destination, Seoul. There are so many people there, they won’t be able to find us there. Do you want to live in Seoul?”

“I want to, Hyung,” Sungyeol said. Honestly it didn’t matter to him, as long as they weren’t in this house.

They ran away at 3 PM. It was easy, because both the man and woman were drunk and unconscious. It was also easy because they didn’t have to bring much with them – their possessions were just some clothes, also Sungyeol and Dongwoo’s document.

They had to walk to the train station from their house. Sungyeol’s soles fell in the middle of their walk, but he kept silent because he knew Dongwoo would switch shoes if he ever knew. The asphalt scraped his feet back then, but Sungyeol didn’t mind at all.

Not bothering to hide their cruelty didn’t lessen their foster parents’ sin, but it lessened the pain on Sungyeol and Dongwoo's part. They never get any time to trust either one of them nor to love them. They hate the couple from the very start. So, when they ran away that night, Sungyeol felt free. He felt liberated. He felt like he would get brighter future along with Dongwoo.

But this night, as he ran away from Sungjong’s house, he felt nothing but hurt and betrayal. He had trust and love Myungsoo so deep. He had given him all of his heart. Myungsoo had lifted him high up and threw him back down. He didn’t feel free at all, instead he felt suffocated. He was alone and he didn’t know where to go.

 _To Dongwoo_ , his mind supplied.

Sungyeol kept running, even when his eyesight was blurred with tears. He wanted Dongwoo to be here, to save him and bring him away from pain, like he did before. But he was alone. Dongwoo was dead, killed by none other than the man he once loved.

-

 

 

They didn’t make it into Seoul. It was their first time riding a train, and due to some mistake Sungyeol didn’t understand at that time, they stopped at Suwon.

Dongwoo found a cheap rooftop room for them not far from the train station. Originally they wanted to stay just for one night there, but they met Sunggyu that night, who was the son of the owner of the rooftop room. Sungyeol was too small to understand, but it was more than just two strangers meeting for Sunggyu and Dongwoo.

They clearly shared some moments together, moments that Sungyeol wasn’t a part of, because then Dongwoo asked Sungyeol if it was okay to live in Suwon instead of Seoul. Sungyeol didn’t mind – like he said before, anywhere as long as it wasn’t in the couple’s house in Busan.

Dongwoo started working to support both of them. They forged a solid relationship with Sunggyu's family. Soon, the kind family refused to accept payment for the rooftop room. With Sunggyu’s dad help, they even got Sungyeol enrolled in junior high school and Dongwoo in high school.

Dongwoo went to school at day and worked part time at night. He didn’t allow Sungyeol to do the same, asking him to study instead.

"All of these, Sungyeol," Dongwoo gestured at their surroundings. "The wall, the house, they won't protect you from people like our foster parents. But education will. Remember that."

Sunggyu entered medical school when he was 19. They celebrated it together with the whole family in a restaurant and that was when Dongwoo encouraged him to try medical school too. He protested and said Dongwoo insane every time, but silently he picked up Sunggyu's old practice book and notes and study.

He was at least glad that Dongwoo could see him entering medical school. That was three years before his death.

Sungyeol knew where he wanted to go. He fished for his pocket and found his wallet, before stopping a taxi. The driver was eyeing him skeptically when he saw him soaked from head to toe, barefoot, but Sungyeol gave him all the money in his wallet and he opened the door.

The taxi driver dropped him in front of their old room, next to Sunggyu’s parents’ house. Sungyeol left the rooftop room five years ago after Dongwoo’s death. It seemed like nobody rented that room ever since.

He climbed up the stairs and opened the door. The room was empty now but Sungyeol could imagine everything that had happened under this roof.

Here in the corner they put their bed. They had shared a bed until Sungyeol entered high school and Dongwoo voluntarily moved himself to sleep on the floor. But, in some nights when Sungyeol felt lonely and sad, Dongwoo would climb back up and held him from behind, just like he did years ago in the kitchen cabinet of the couple’s house in Busan.

Here in the middle was where they put the table during meal times. In all of their photos, Dongwoo always look so tiny beside Sungyeol. That was because whenever they eat together, he always gave the meat to Sungyeol. When Sungyeol was finally old enough to understand that, he started to eat alone just to prevent Dongwoo doing that. It was already too late, thought. Dongwoo had gone past his development stage.

Here in the other corner was a study desk – exclusively Sungyeol’s. Dongwoo always studied on the floor with makeshift table. Dongwoo couldn’t spoil him with many things he had wanted before – like clothes or shoes or whatever item high schooler would think as cool, but his study desk was always full with secondhand books Dongwoo bought with his part time payment.

There wasn’t anything left in there, not even a heater, but it was the closest physical space he could get to Dongwoo. He folded himself on the corner, wondering if the pain in his chest would ever subside.

-

 

 

He heard someone opened the door and another gasped in relief.

“Sungyeol!” he heard his name called, but he was too deep in grief to care. Five years after Dongwoo had gone and he was still grieving for him.

"Hyung, we found him in his old rooftop room," someone reported his presence. Would they take him back to Sungjong’s house? If that was the case, he would run again before any of them try.

"Sunggyu Hyung said to bring him to his parent’s house next door.”

“But, won’t his parents be worried to see him like this?”

“His parents are abroad, there is only a housekeeper there. She will let us in when she see Sungyeol.”

"Sungyeol," one of them approached him. "Let's go home. You’re sopping wet, you need to change."

"I don’t want to go back to Myungsoo or Sungjong," Sungyeol said.

"You won’t go there,” one of them reassured him. “We’re going to Sunggyu’s house next door. There will be no Myungsoo or Sungjong.”

Sungyeol shook his head.

“I want to be as close as possible with Dongwoo Hyung.”

There was a silent moment, as if the two people were looking at each other to see whether the other had any answer for that.

“But,” one of them said, softer. “Dongwoo Hyung is never far from you. He is in your memory. And I’m sure he wouldn’t want you to catch a cold.

Sungyeol shook his head again.

“I mean I wanted to be as close as possible to the place we shared together,” he said.

“Listen, Sungyeol,” another voice said. “You will gain nothing by laying here. Dongwoo has long gone. If you want to get close to him, do what he asked you to. Remember his last words. He wants you to be healthy, alive, and smiling.”

“Howon!” a voice scolded. Oh, so they were Hoya and Woohyun. “That’s too harsh!”

“No,” Hoya said. “This is the truth. That’s what Dongwoo wants from him, and him being like this means he doesn’t pay respect to his last wish.”

“Howon, please –“

“I miss him,” Sungyeol sobbed. “I miss him. I want him here. Please, please make him come here.”

Woohyun immediately enveloped him in a hug. But it wasn’t Dongwoo, it was far from Dongwoo.

“I want Dongwoo Hyung,” he cried again. “Tell him that Sungyeol is hurting, he will understand and come here. Please. Please.”

He had never wanted someone as bad as this. He had never needed someone as bad as this. He wanted that hand, that warmth, that smile….

He repeated his words, because he needed someone to understand and call his Hyung for him. Howon and Woohyun however, just stayed by him and not moving. He begged them to find Dongwoo Hyung, but they just stayed there, as tear-stricken as him, unable to move, unable to leave.

 -

 

 

“He broke down and cried himself to sleep.”

“Did he say something?”

“Just begged us to bring Dongwoo to him,” the voice sniffled. “Hyung, he was really hurting. Can’t you tell just tell us what happened? We’re also his friends and it hurts us to see him like this.”

Sungyeol woke up but didn’t open his eyes. He could hear the three voices conversing lowly beside his bed. Woohyun and Howon, he remembered. The third voice is Sunggyu.

He cleared his thought while he pretended to sleep. What happened yesterday came back to his mind immediately: Myungsoo’s confession, the memory of Dongwoo, the three people who were at his side right now.

“It isn’t my right to tell,” Sunggyu said, his lips were probably thinning.

“I don’t care about that right now,” Woohyun hissed angrily. “I won’t let anybody get away after he hurt him like this night. Tell me who did it, Hyung! I’ll hunt him and hurt him as bad.”

Sungyeol opened his eyes at this. _Don’t_ , he wanted to say. _Don’t, Woohyun. Myungsoo will kill you first, maybe before you even realize what is happening._

They saw him waking up and immediately surrounded him.

“Sungyeol, how are you feeling?” Woohyun gently squeezed his hand.

How was he feeling? There was so much feeling in his heart right now. Hurt, from Myungsoo’s betrayal. Angry, also from Myungsoo’s betrayal. Aching, from missing Dongwoo. Warm, from seeing the three of them on his side. He also wanted to deny everything he heard from Myungsoo yesterday. Wanted to refuse to believe that Myungsoo did this to him. Hated himself because there is a part of him that still misses Myungsoo.

Sungyeol didn’t know how to express it all, so he settled with, “I’m okay.”

“You should sleep again,” this time it was Sunggyu who spoke. “Tomorrow morning, I’ll explain everything, okay?”

“What is there to explain?” he asked Sunggyu. “I heard enough.”

“Just sleep for now,” Sunggyu sat on the bed and caressed his hair. Sunggyu saw Dongwoo did this to him hundreds time, and he was thankful for that. It indeed made him feel a little bit better. As of this time, Sunggyu was probably the closest to big brother he had after Dongwoo had gone.

“I won’t be able to sleep anyway,” Sungyeol said. “So why did you say you’ll explain everything?”

“Promise not to cut me off?” he asked Sungyeol. Sungyeol nodded.

“Myungsoo didn’t kill Dongwoo,” Sunggyu said, looking straight at his eyes. The pain in Sungyeol’s chest flared again.

“No,” he said. “Don’t talk about him anymore. I don’t want to listen.”

“You have to listen to this, Sungyeol. This is the truth, and this will lessen the pain in your chest,” Sunggyu told him, voice soft yet assertive. It wasn’t fair that he knew how to handle Sungyeol so well.

“I don’t believe you,” Sungyeol closed his eyes, suppressing another wave of tears.

“Trust me,” Sunggyu’s voice was still calm. “In this world, the only one who can come close to you in loving Dongwoo is me. I know your pain, Sungyeol.”

“You didn’t believe me before, when I said that Dongwoo Hyung’s death was murder and not accident,” Sungyeol said.

“It was accident, Sungyeol,” Sunggyu said patiently.

Sungyeol slapped Sunggyu’s hand from his hair, suddenly felt angry enough to sit and lash out. “Stop defending him!” he yelled, trying to shove Sunggyu. “It has been proven that Dongwoo Hyung is murdered, and yet you are defending his murderer! Why are you doing this, Hyung?”

“Dongwoo took a blow that was meant for Myungsoo,” Sunggyu gently caught him arm. “His agency managed to track Myungsoo down that evening, and they cornered him on his way to meet Dongwoo. They were about to shoot Myungsoo, but Dongwoo jumped in front of him and got the bullet instead. So yes, it was an accident. You still can call it murder too, if you want, but Myungsoo wasn’t the one who kill Dongwoo.”

“But… but he said he was the one who kill Dongwoo,” Sungyeol pointed out, voice shaky.

“Because in his head, he believed he was the one responsible for that,” Sunggyu continued to explain. “Myungsoo felt guilty, if only Dongwoo didn’t meet him, he wouldn’t end up like that. That’s why he said he was the one killing Dongwoo. It isn’t different in his head.”

Sungyeol wanted to get even angrier for that. This would be easier if Myungsoo was really the one to blame for Dongwoo’s death. But, however angry Sungyeol was with the other, it wasn’t right to blame him for something he wasn’t at fault.

“But,” he said, noticing that his voice had weakened. “But what if he lied? What proof do we have that Dongwoo Hyung had taken a blow intended for Myungsoo?”

“Sungyeol, you knew him as well as I did. If someone was about to be killed in front of him, what would Dongwoo do?”

It was rhetorical question. Everyone in the room knew the answer.

There was another rush of longing for Dongwoo in his heart. Oh, what wouldn’t Sungyeol give to be able to meet Dongwoo again just once?

But there was another rush of feeling behind the longing. Immediately after, Sungyeol felt like he could breathe again. It was an understanding for Myungsoo, and also relief because Myungsoo didn’t betray him, never betray him.

“Do you think you can forgive Myungsoo?” Sunggyu asked him.

Sungyeol didn’t answer.

“It’s okay,” Sunggyu said. “You don’t have to forgive him now. Sleep first, okay?”

-

 

 

He was woken up rather harshly by a panicked Sunggyu.

“Sungyeol, wake up,” his brother said, gently slapping his cheek to bring him to consciousness.

“Wha -?” Sungyeol rised from his position. His body ached from staying in cold too long and his head dizzy from the sudden wake up call.

“Yeol, it’s Myungsoo,” Sunggyu said, holding a phone on his hand.

Myungsoo. Sungyeol’s head spun again hearing that name. He was still angry, still hurt, but he was also aching to see him. “Myungsoo?” he asked.

“This is Sungjong,” a voice came from the phone. Sungyeol frowned.

“But you said it was Myungsoo,” he said to Sunggyu.

“It’s me,” Sungjong said. “But it’s about Myungsoo. Listen, Sungyeol. They got him.”

“They got him?” Sungyeol repeated, massaging his head to reduce the pain. “They who?”

“The agency got him. Well, someone from the agency.”

It took two seconds for him to process the information and when he did, he was gripped with fear.

“No way,” he said in alarm.

“Sungyeol, I know you haven’t forgiven Myungsoo yet, but if the agency got him, he’s a dead meat. Do you think… do you think you can help him?”

Dead meat. Sungjong wasn’t exaggerating, Sungyeol knew. If it was Myungsoo’s agency, then eliminating people was their core function. Sungyeol remembered the last word he uttered for Myungsoo.

_I hope you die painfully. The way Dongwoo Hyung did._

Sungyeol bit his lips. Myungsoo couldn’t die. No, not with those words as the last thing he heard from Sungyeol’s mouth.

“Sungyeol?”

“Where is he?”

 

 

 

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally the end is here, after a lot of struggles and broken promises. Thank you very much for sticking until the end, thank you very much as well for the comments and kudos - every single of them means a lot to me.
> 
> Please enjoy the last piece of Monster. Long life Myungyeol <3

 

 

 

“Faster,” he urged Sunggyu who was already going at 200 km/hour. Thankfully it was a little after midnight, and the highway was empty.

“Mirae Industrial Complex,” Sungjong had told them Myungsoo’s location from a tracking device he planted before. They didn’t wait another minute after hearing it, quickly jumped into the car as Sungyeol punched the address to the GPS, Sunggyu followed him. Hoya and Woohyun had bang on the car window so violently, demanding answer, but Sungyeol could only promise to tell them after everything  was over.

Mirae was an abandoned industrial complex in the southwest suburb of Seoul, which was convenient for them because it wouldn’t take long from Suwon to go there. Sungjong closed the call, stating he needed to contact “his girls” and to wait for him in the entrance of the Mirae so they could navigate together to the exact place where Myungsoo was.

Sunggyu made it there in mere 15 minutes. They could already see the building complex from the highway, massive but dark, bare of any sign of activity. Sunggyu exited the toll and soon they arrived at the entrance, but unable to enter because it was blocked with a wooden board.

Another car arrived behind them and both of the surgeons in the car tensed, but Sungjong showed his head from the passenger seat window and motioned them to move out of the way. Once they did, the car rammed into the wooden board, opening up the way from them.

“Let me in!” Sungjong said urgently, suddenly he was already out of his car and stood next to Sunggyu’s instead. He barked order to the people on the other car before entering the back door.

“Turn left,” he instructed Sunggyu who immediately obeyed. The other car turned to the right and soon got out of sight.

“Where is he?” Sungyeol asked in desperation. His fear multiplied by each second. What if they were late? What if Myungsoo was already…?

_Hang in there, Myungsoo. You can’t leave while we are like this._

“Left again,” Sungjong mutters from the back seat. “Then straight again until you see a crossroad, then turn right.”

“What happened, Sungjong? How did they find him?” Sungyeol demanded some answers.

“It’s not they, it is he,” Sungjong said. “There is this assassin who tracked Myungsoo down out of personal obsession. Somehow he found out about him and called him here earlier. I didn’t know what happened and before I knew it, he left my house. At first I thought he just needed some time alone, but I sensed something was wrong. I tracked him and found out he was here. Why would he choose to be here if it was only to calm down?”

“You mean this assassin works alone, and not for the agency?”

“I think so. He isn’t in the team that is specifically formed to hunt Myungsoo. He had always been… obsessed with Myungsoo. He wanted that M1 title so badly, but I heard the agency never give it away to anybody else even when Myungsoo had left. He thought that if he can kill Myungsoo and bring him dead to the agency, they’ll give him that title.”

“Then… then it means that Myungsoo may be okay?” Sungyeol asked, extending a hope despite he knew the chance was small. “I mean if it was only a person doing and not the whole agency… then…”

“Not necessarily,” Sungjong said quietly. “Because that man is M2, the strongest assassin in the agency after Myungsoo.”

-

 

“Sungjong, it’s a dead end,” Sunggyu said from the driver seat, stopping the car.

“Then we’ve arrived,” Sungjong said. “They must be around here.”

“That’s them,” Sunggyu said, voice shaking, pointing at the two dark figures currently fighting on the ground. Sungyeol’s heart jumped to his throat. He couldn’t recognize which one was which due to the dark, but he could tell that the fight was deadly.

“Don’t turn off the car,” Sungjong warned. “We need the lamp.”

The two figures stopped fighting when they heard the car and leapt away from each other. Sungyeol leapt out of the car the moment the door was unlocked, and now with the minimum lighting from the car he could tell that Myungsoo was the one in the back.

“Well, well, who is this?” an unfamiliar voice greeted him, sounding amused instead of panicked.

“Myungsoo!” Sungyeol called, wanting to at least hear that Myungsoo was okay.

“Sungjong!” Myungsoo barked, voice raw. “What the hell you brought with you?”

“Stay back,” Sungjong was suddenly in front of Sungyeol, pushing him away.

“Oh, don’t be shy,” the unfamiliar man smirked, stepping away from Myungsoo and toward Sungjong and Sungyeol. “I want to see the face of the man who had been hiding M1 so well these years.”

Myungsoo launched an attack toward the man’s back but he turned back right away and kicked Myungsoo to the ground. “Attack from the back, really, M1? Five years out of field and your skill has gotten this rusty?”

Sungyeol tried to rush to Myungsoo’s side but Sunggyu held him from behind and Sungjong stood in his way. The man stepped on Myungsoo’s chest and crushed him right there. He gave him a kick on the head before going back to the three newcomers.

“Lee Sungjong, is that you? Wow,” he exclaimed. “Should’ve known that it takes someone at your level to keep him hidden under our very own nose. But who are those two behind you?”

“Step any closer and you’re dead,” Sungjong warned.

“And how would I be dead, Darling?” the man clearly enjoyed tantalizing them. “You’re going to break my neck with your pretty hand?”

Sunggyu growled next to him but Sungjong still stood in front of them, blocking them from their enemy.

“I know you’re genius at strategy but know nothing about fighting,” the man was in front of Sungjong now, towering over them like a giant and before either of them knew about it, he flung Sungjong aside with mere one hand while the other wrenched Sungyeol from Sunggyu’s hold.

“Don’t touch him!” Myungsoo shouted from his place, trying frantically to get up, but he was having difficulty even to breathe, Sungyeol could see.

Sunggyu and Sungjong attacked him simultaneously but he kicked both of them so fast Sungyeol couldn’t see.

“Don’t!” he heard Myungsoo shouted again. “Don’t try to take him down. This guy is M2.”

M2. Right under Myungsoo. But Myungsoo had stopped killing since five years ago, and this man’s most recent killing could easily be yesterday, or this morning. Sungyeol shuddered involuntarily, he was enveloped with fear – for all of them.

“Tch,” the man spat on the ground. “M2. How I despise that name. When you were gone they should’ve given me your name but no, I still have to live under your shadow even when you are no longer there. But when I brought your body tonight, M1,” he licked his lips. Sungyeol shivered again, this time in disgust. “They will definitely give me that name.”

“Fuck you, it’s just a name!” Myungsoo also spat, still trying to get up.

“This one knew your real name earlier,” he dragged Sungyeol to the front of the car to look at him better. In his struggle, Sungyeol caught a flash of light reflection from M2’s leg. “Your boyfriend?”

“Let him go and we can talk, M2,” Myungsoo heaved.

“Look at him shivering so deliciously in my hand. Where did you get yourself such a pretty civilian?” the man grinned. “How should I start with him? Cut his fingers one by one as you watched? That would be a nice image for you to bring to your grave.”

Sungyeol whimpered in horror. No, not his hands. Anything but his hands.

“Or maybe I could kill you slowly and let him watch instead. What do you say, pretty?” the man turned to face Sungyeol. “Have you ever used a gun?”

“Please…” he tried to say but unable to, the man’s presence has reduced him into half paralyzing state of fear.

“Oooh, he’s begging to me, M1. Please what, pretty? Please spare your hand? Please pull the trigger?” the man used his other hand to reach for the gun strapped on his leg and aimed it at Myungsoo.

“No!” Sungyeol struggled from the man’s hold. “Not Myungsoo!”

“How sweet,” M2 mocked him. “You want to hold the trigger yourself? I’ll help you to aim. We’ll start by shooting your boyfriend’s legs. That will be two bullets. Then one for his stomach, to make sure he bleeds faster. Each for his pretty ear as well? And of course I had to spare a bullet to plant in his handsome face. What do you say? Which one do you want to do?”

“No!” he struggled again, trying to kick and bit him, but the man was not amused.

“Be cooperative, Pretty,” he said. “Or I’ll do this.”

He aimed the gun at Myungsoo and fired. Sungyeol could only watch in horror as he saw Myungsoo staggered backward and fell again.

“Oops, missing my target,” M2 smirked. “I meant to aim for your forehead, not your shoulder.”

And then Sungyeol suddenly got a burst of anger from that. No, this man can’t do that. Not to Myungsoo. He remembered Dongwoo and he could imagine him leaping between this man and Myungsoo, taking the bullet intended to end the younger’s life. Sungyeol would do that, definitely, if he wasn’t in the clutch of this bulky man.

Then he saw it again, the light reflection. It was a knife, strapped in M2’s other leg. Sungyeol could feel the cold metal digging into his skin.

And Sungyeol was no assassin, he never killed anybody and he never used a gun. But he was a surgeon – he knew anatomy better than anyone and he held knife for a living.

Sungyeol’s mind went blank as he pulled the knife from its holder and slid the side of his neck where his artery is located. Warm blood sprayed into his face and upper body, the iron scent was so thick it made him gag.

The man still had time to be surprised when the blade made a contact with his tender neck, but when he realized what happened, it was too late. He collapsed, bringing Sungyeol down with him to the ground, lying in the pool of blood. Sungyeol had no strength left as he retched, adding the filth surrounding them, before everything gets dark.

-

 

Again, his consciousness came first before he opened his eyes. His entire body was aching and he wasn’t sure why until his memories come back. Of Myungsoo lying on the ground, blood oozing from his shoulder. There was endless blood, spraying, pooling. He wished he didn’t wake up this fast.

He wasn’t in the hospital, he realized next. He couldn’t smell drugs and disinfectant. Slowly he opened his eyes and was surprised that he was in a room that must belong to a girl. There were dolls, photos on the wall, and other knick knack girls love. He was alone in the room.

_Where the hell…_

“Oh, hello. You’re awake,” a girl came inside the room, bringing a fresh set of linen and put them in the cupboard before approaching Sungyeol.

“Myungsoo..?”

“Sleeping in the other room,” she smiled. “You knew me, right? I’m Yein. We met in Sungjong’s house.”

Sungyeol nodded, remembering their incidental meeting that summer night. She must be one of Sungjong’s girls he often mentioned about. “Sunggyu Hyung? Sungjong?”

“Kei Unnie and Jin Unnie are examining them right now. I can call them if you want, but let me check you first,” she said before bending forward to check him for concussion and once satisfied, she got out of the room. No more than ten seconds later two pairs of footsteps rushed inside the room, then Sunggyu and Sungjong were already on his side.

“Sungyeol!” Sunggyu said as he took a seat on the bed. Sungyeol smiled at the both of them.

“Are you two okay?” he asked them.

“Yeah,” Sungjong answered. “Just minor bruises and wounds, but nothing serious.”

“Are you okay?” Sunggyu asked him back.

“Yeah. Myungsoo?”

“Sleeping in the other room,” Sungjong answered him, pointing to the hallway. Sungyeol nodded, trying to calm himself with this information. He wanted to see him as fast as possible, but before that, he had another question.

 “Who cleaned me?”

“I did,” Sunggyu said, reaching for his hands. “And Sungjong helped. It was a lot of blood, took us half an hour to make sure you’re clean.”

Sungyeol didn’t say that he still felt so dirty. Somehow, he could still smell the tang of iron from all over his skin, and he was convinced he saw dried blood under his nails.

He had killed a man. He had taken a life out of somebody. So this was how it felt. This was how Myungsoo felt all these time. He felt like laughing. This was his punishment, to get his hands spilled with dirty blood.

He was a monster himself.

Still, he thanked Sunggyu and Sungjong, before requesting them to bring him to Myungsoo.

“You need to rest,” Sunggyu disagreed, but knew that his disagreement meant nothing to Sungyeol. So, both of them helped him to stand up and led him out of the room instead.

“Where are we?” he asked.

“Kei and Jin’s house – they’re my girls. We couldn’t bring you or Myungsoo to the hospital, but we still need to treat your wound. Both of them are my trusted underground doctor,” Sungjong explained.

They arrived at the kitchen and he saw four girls sitting on a round table while cleaning up various medical supplies on it. He recognized Yein, but not the other three girls.

“Oh, you shouldn’t get out of the bed yet,” Yein reprimanded when she saw him. “Where are you going?”

“I want to see Myungsoo,” Sungyeol answered. “Where is his room?”

“This one,” the girl with adorably chubby cheek pointed at the door on her left. Sungyeol thanked her before going toward it. Sunggyu and Sungjong followed him, but he told them to leave him alone. Thankfully they obeyed as one of the girl – the very cute one – called them both to finish the examination.

-

 

 

 

Myungsoo was topless, his shoulder peeking out from the blanket they had laid on top of him. Sungyeol could see the white bandage covering his right shoulder and he couldn’t be more grateful that the bullet hadn’t landed on the more dangerous organ. He didn’t even want to imagine what would happen if M2 shot Myungsoo’s chest or head.

Sitting next to him, Sungyeol brushed the bang covering Myungsoo’s eyes. It had gotten long again, Myungsoo was always so lazy to cut them. Sungyeol would have to do it for him again, later when he wake up, or maybe when they get home.

Or maybe after they make up. His heart ached again remembering that if M2 had killed Myungsoo earlier, then they’d be separated forever when they were fighting.

He brushed the negativity away from his mind and focused on caressing the hair of the man in front of him. When he got tired, he pulled his feet off the floor and leaned to the headboard, right hand still caressing the ex-assassin’s head.

When he woke up, he found out that their position had switched somehow. Myungsoo was sitting with his back on the headboard, Sungyeol’s head cradled on his lap, uninjured hands moving softly through his hair. He was looking at him with such longing and his touch was so gentle, as if he was holding something he knew he couldn’t have.

“Good morning,” he stopped his hand when he saw Sungyeol opening his eyes and the surgeon was disappointed at the lost of contact.

“Is it morning already?” he asked instead.

“Almost,” Myungsoo said, using his chin to indicate the blackness outside the window. “It’s still dark outside, but not for long.”

“Why are you up?” Sungyeol asked.

“Nothing in particular,” Myungsoo smiled reassuringly. “Do you want to sleep again?”

Sungyeol didn’t want to. He wanted Myungsoo to keep petting his hair. He wanted him to bend down and kiss his lips.

But they needed to talk first. Preferably now, before the other boys and girls wake up. He pulled himself to sit down and face the man he’d give his life for.

“Myungsoo, about last night,” he started. “I’m sorry for… everything. For leaving.”

Myungsoo looked down, his bang obstructing his eyes once again. “No, I should be the one to apologize. About Dongwoo Hyung. If I even deserve to ask for forgiveness. After what I’ve done to him… to you… of course I won’t expect forgiveness. Hell, Sungyeol, I couldn’t even forgive myself. But I want you to know that if I could change my life for Dongwoo right now, I’ll gladly do it.”

Drops of tears fell onto his lap. Sungyeol raised his hands to touch the droplet hanging on Myungsoo’s chin, tracking it up to the corner of his eyes as he lifted his lover’s face so he could see him.

“There’s nothing to forgive, Myungsoo. You didn’t kill Dongwoo Hyung. You never did,” he said, sincerely. Myungsoo opened his mouth to protest, but Sungyeol cut him first. “I heard what happened from Sunggyu Hyung and I believe him.”

“But he died because of me,” Myungsoo said, fresh tears spilling out.

“That’s not the same as killing him,” Sungyeol answered. “Dongwoo Hyung died to keep you alive. It means you are someone important for him, someone precious.”

“But I’m not. I’m just… like you said… a monster. I keep hurting you, Sungyeol. I took away Dongwoo Hyung from you, I lied to you and I exposed you to danger. Last night was my failure. If something happened to you, I didn’t know how I could continue living.”

“Don’t say such reckless thing,” Sungyeol scolded him softly. “Are you going to leave me alone in this world?”

“You’ll be better off without me, Sungyeol. You’ll be safer, happier.”

“Nonsense,” Sungyeol quickly dismissed him. “I’ve never felt this safe and happy before I meet you, Kim Myungsoo.”

“Sungyeol, last night I’ve hurt you so bad. I betrayed your trust. How can I believe you when I’ve seen your look last night?”

“I did felt hurt,” Sungyeol said slowly, carefully. “I thought you killed Dongwoo Hyung. I thought you were lying to me all this time. But you didn’t, Soo. You didn’t kill Dongwoo Hyung. Beside, I hurt you as well. I broke my promise to you. I left you even when I’ve promised not to.”

“But you did that because I lied to you,” Myungsoo mumbled. “I don’t deserve you, Sungyeol. You’re always so kind, so forgiving, but the truth remains that I’m merely a killer. My hands are stained with blood. You deserve someone better than me.”

“Guess what, Myungsoo? I’m also a killer,” Sungyeol said, his hands that were steady before started trembling as he remembered what he did last night again. He shuddered. “These hands are as stained as yours.”

Myungsoo looked as heartbroken as him. “Yeol, don’t say that. You’re not a killer! You’re never a killer!”

“But I killed a man last night.”

“To protect me!” Myungsoo suddenly grabbed his hands harshly, pulling them from his face and raised them in front of Sungyeol. “You didn’t want to kill that man, but you had to because you wanted to protect me. You didn’t have a choice. That didn’t make you a killer, Yeol!”

“Then they didn’t make you a killer, too, what you did,” Sungyeol countered. “You didn’t have a choice either when you were only doing your job.”

“That’s different. That’s –”

“Your hands are stained, Soo, but I know your heart is pure,” Sungyeol said gently.

“No, it wasn’t– it isn’t– I’m not sure about that.”

“But I’m sure.”

Myungsoo looked at him, confused, bewildered, and Sungyeol desperately wanted him to believe what Sungyeol had said because it was true. So, he closed the distance between them and kissed the battered assassin. Myungsoo’s lips were split and chapped, and he hissed when Sungyeol nibbled at them harshly, but Sungyeol didn’t care because he had to get his point through this man.

Myungsoo didn’t respond for a while, so Sungyeol sighed and pulled away, looking at his lover right at the eyes.

“Believe me, Myungsoo,” he said. “I’m sure, because I’ve tasted your heart before.”

He didn’t wait for Myungsoo to reply as he leaned forward once again to capture the other’s lips and this time, it didn’t take long for Myungsoo to respond. Their kiss was sloppy, painful, and even salty because their tears were mixed in it, but it connected them just right, and not just in physical sense. It was fulfilling, it was healing.

 

They changed their position, Sungyeol on Myungsoo’s side, leaning to his left shoulder where it wasn’t injured, legs tangled on each other. Sungyeol traced his fingers on Myungsoo’s chest and abdomen, thinking how convenient it was that he was topless, while Myungsoo ran his fingers on Sungyeol’s back.

“I need to have a word with Sungjong. What the heck did he think to bring you there last night?”

“What the heck did you think you are that you try to face such a brute alone?”

“I’m a monster,” Myungsoo said automatically, then unintentionally feeling down again as he was reminded about his past. “Yeah, I’m still a monster.”

“A very good-looking monster,” Sungyeol teased. “I won’t have you any other way.”

“Yeol,” Myungsoo sighed. “I’m serious here. I want you to know that you’re dating a monster. It will be difficult, and maybe they will still hunt me after this. What happened last night may not be the last time.”

“Oh look!” Sungyeol ignored him, pointing at the window. “It’s morning.”

There wasn’t much outside except the view of neighboring rooftops, but they could see the sky gradually changing color from black to red to pink and finally it started to be blue. Somehow their argument ended at the first strip of red in the east.

When ray of sunshine finally shot through the window glass, Sungyeol looked up to Myungsoo. Maybe it would take a while until he was ready to forgive himself and believe that he deserved to be loved, but Sungyeol didn’t worry. He knew it would come, sooner or later, just like how morning always came to replace darkness.

-

 

Days after, thanks to Sungjong and his girls skill at covering things up, everything started to get normal again. The self-proclaimed pharmacist had made M2 disappeared instead of dead, and the agency was currently focusing to find him. This gave them a space to breath while healing their physical injuries, especially for Myungsoo.

Sunggyu and Sungyeol didn’t get hurt that much anyway, and they wouldn’t be able to explain what happened if they didn’t show at work, so they were already back in the hospital the day after, performing a joint surgery on a traffic accident victim.

But of course, not everything could feel the same.

Sungyeol scrubbed his hands thoroughly before entering the operating room. He could feel Sunggyu’s eyes on him, the chief of surgery was standing behind.

“Come on, Sungyeol. Don’t waste water,” he said.

Sungyeol looked at his hands. “Yes, Hyung.”

It was hard to accept the fact that he had taken someone else’s life, no matter what the reason was. He didn’t want to be reminded of what he did ever again, but his hands were always a constant reminder of his action. It scared him sometimes, like suddenly he became aware that his hands had always been wielding power to kill people.

Sometimes Sungyeol dreamed of holding a knife in his hands, slick with blood. His hands trembled but he couldn’t put it down, then the dark man came and Sungyeol stuck it to his neck. The man would fall, his blood pooling on the ground, showing Sungyeol his own reflection, but instead of his skinny self, he saw a deformed body of a monster.

He would wake up, his breath hitched and his pajamas damp. Myungsoo always woke up, and pulled him into his embrace, praising him and kissing him until Sungyeol was convinced that he still looked human enough if Myungsoo still wants him.

“How come you never have a nightmare?” he asked the ex-assassin one day.

“I have sometimes,” Myungsoo confessed. “But it’s not frequent. We learned to cope with these kinds of thing back in the special task force. If not, half of us would be forced to retire early already for going crazy.”

“It was horrible,” Sungyeol clenched his hands. It had never felt clean ever since that night, no matter how many times he washed them with alcohol and antiseptic.

“Sometimes, you have to do something terrible to save the one you love,” Myungsoo took his hands into his and kissed them. “You did it for me.”

“I know,” Sungyeol said. “But I still wish it never happened.”

“You are so kind, Sungyeol. So innocent,” Myungsoo caressed his cheek tenderly. “I’m sorry you have to experience that night.”

“Don’t be. It wasn’t your fault. I’m fine,” he said before correcting himself. “I will be fine.”

“You will be,” Myungsoo agreed.

“We will be,” Sungyeol ended the conversation as he settled himself on Myungsoo’s embrace. Like this, he could believe what he was saying.

-

 

It got better day by day. Myungsoo spent every night in Sungyeol’s apartment now and soon they developed a routine together. This afternoon where Sungyeol was off from the hospital, they were walking to the grocery store because Myungsoo insisted that a doctor shouldn’t eat only cereal and instant ramyeon. Even when Sungyeol told him that he couldn’t cook even to save his life, Myungsoo still insisted to go grocery shopping. Of course, it didn’t surprise Sungyeol that they ended up buying lots of unhealthy food as well. Myungsoo even got them grilled sausage on stick to eat on their way home.

They met a stray kitten in front of that shop, meowing sadly when she smelled the sausages. It was cute (and a little heartbreaking) to see Myungsoo trying so hard to pretend not to notice her.

“Here, little one,” Sungyeol crouched in front of the kitten, taking off a bit of his sausage to offer to the kitten.

“So cute,” Myungsoo commented, still standing. Sungyeol had to stifle a laugh seeing his lover trying so hard not to look interested.

“Do you want to take her home?” he asked the ex-assassin.

“No,” Myungsoo shook his head, then quickly added. “But, if you want to, then take her.”

“I don’t want her,” Sungyeol said, eyeing Myungsoo to see his reaction. “I only want her if you want her.”

Myungsoo looked disheartened. “I want her,” he said, biting his lips. “But… she looks so tiny and fragile, I’m not sure I’m good enough for her.”

That’s it, he said it. Sungyeol’s smile bloomed. “Oh, where is that confidence you used to approach me before?”

“Sungyeol, you’re not exactly tiny and fragile.”

“Well, this baby isn’t that fragile as well,” Sungyeol pet the cat. “Give her a little credit.”

“I’m still not sure about that,” Myungsoo shook his head.

“Really? Then should I leave her? Should we leave now?” Sungyeol threatened.

“…no. We can’t leave her.”

“That’s it!” Sungyeol cheered, happy because Myungsoo could finally tell him what he wanted. He opened his arm, urged the kitten to come to him. “Come on, Baby. Come with us, Baby!”

“You’re already naming her?”

“No, I’m just saying it randomly. You should name her, this is your cat.”

“Baby sounds good enough.”

“It lacks something…” Sungyeol disagreed. Myungsoo looked around, trying to find some inspiration. At that time, he saw a poster of soft drink on the shop window. The model was Sungyeol’s favorite soloist, Babysoul.

“Babysoul?” the ex-assassin asked, eyes gleaming with tease.

“Myungsoo, don’t you dare using my precious star’s name for a cat!”

“Then… Babystar?”

“Babystar? That’s tacky!”

“Babystar it is.”

“Hey, Myungsoo!”

“You said this is my cat!”

Sungyeol sighed, but finally give in. He held the kitten on his arm and she snuggled into his chest, seeking warmth. “Poor you, Baby,” he said. “Your dad has given you such a tasteless name.”

The cat didn’t answer, only snuggled and closed her eyes comfortably. “See, she doesn’t disagree with the name!” Myungsoo argued.

“Myungsoo, she is sleeping. She isn’t disagreeing or agreeing with anything.”

They argued about the name for the rest of their walk home. Myungsoo had dropped some of his earlier fear and worry about his capability to raise the kitten, and halfway he even wanted to hold the kitten, but Sungyeol refused him because she was sleeping.

Myungsoo pouted and pretended to be sulky. He was such a dork Sungyeol couldn’t help but laugh. Myungsoo looked even more handsome like this, being happy and carefree. He promised that he would try his best to keep him looked this happy.

-

 

Sungyeol would never get tired of looking into Myungsoo’s eyes. They were so deep, sucking Sungyeol mercilessly into the endless pit of black. There were stories there, of Myungsoo’s dark past that he still couldn’t bring himself to tell Sungyeol, but also of Myungsoo’s better days. Sungyeol loved both stories equally, although the latter was scarce, and usually they only came accidentally, like when they were watching TV and Myungsoo remembered that he used to like Cardcaptor Sakura when he was a child.

(“Cardcaptor Sakura? Really?”  Sungyeol held his laugh. “What? It’s a good anime!” Myungsoo pouted. “It’s for girl!” Sungyeol teased him. “So what? It’s still good!”)

Sungyeol had no intention to stop diving into the depth of those orbs. He wanted to touch every part of Myungsoo’s soul, to learn and understand all of him, until he could look at his eyes without feeling lost and helpless.

“What are you thinking?” Myungsoo asked, brushing off the bang clinging on Sungyeol’s forehead. They were damp with sweat after sex. Myungsoo was lying on the bed, Sungyeol on top of him.

“Next question,” he said to his lover. “Tell me what did they make you do in the academy?”

When Myungsoo told him about darker things, Sungyeol had to hold himself from wincing or shedding tears, but he never asked Myungsoo to stop.

“Don’t ask me about this again, Sungyeol.”

“Why?”

“It will be too much for you.”

“But I want to learn all about you, Myungsoo.”

“But you can’t even listen to it without flinching,” his lover caressed his cheek. “I know it’s hard for you to listen.”

“It’s indeed hard, but I want to learn all about you and your life, Myungsoo. So, please tell me.”

This was what they do, learning about each other better, because they would need this later. Sungyeol had to learn that the world isn’t that black and white, that sometimes you can’t do good without doing bad, that sometimes the line between them was blur. Myungsoo, on the other hand, needed to learn to accept his past and to believe in redemption.

Most of all, he needed to learn that he was worthy of love and he deserved every happiness he gets.

It wasn’t easy. There were nights where Sungyeol was so afraid of his dream he couldn’t sleep and there were days Myungsoo refused to hold their kitten, afraid he would break her. But, they were learning, day by day. Slowly, but sure, together.

-

 

Years after, Myungsoo would still look at the mirror and loath himself for his past.

However, he knew that he would bare every secret to Sungyeol, even the darkest of it, because he knew Sungyeol would accept him anyway.

-

 

Years after, Sungyeol would still wash his hands for longer than necessary.

However, he knew that if he was put into the same situation again, he would kill that man over and over again, if it was to save the man he loved more than himself.

If it was for Myungsoo, he’d gladly turn into a monster.

 

 

 

**END**


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